Emotional Connection and Attraction

[BC39]

"It feels fake hiding my feelings."

So why hide them? Why don't you tell her? Or at the very least, suggest C?

I thought I was being told not to talk to her about it, I must have miss understood.

I'm waiting for the opportune time to bring up C. I'm confident she'll apprehensive.

Look, the problem with those in Piecing is that they believe they have to continue to be distant, stay away, stuff feelings in, etc. They don't. That's not what DB is all about. DB helped to get you to the point where you are now, now it's time to take the next step in DB and that is to reconnect with your W. Do it slowly and naturally. Imagine her like she's someone you've met for the first time. What would you be doing if she was someone you just met? You wouldn't demand her have sex with you. That's who she is right now, a different person.

The differences between DBing and piecing has been a big stumbling block for me. I was already piecing when I came to this forum.

My W has said she wants to work on our marriage since I've been here, but there's times when I've questioned or had doubts about that. Its those times I'm doubting things that I'm not sure I should be DBing or piecing.

And in what way does she "show" you that she doesn't respect you? Not initiating sex with you isn't a sign of disrespect.

I wasn't referring directly the S as a sign of disrespect.

She mentioned during BD a year ago that she thought she lost respect for me, she hadn't been proud of me for a long time etc

I'm a different person now then I was then, but I'm obviously not going to ask her "do you respect me now'?

Her actions show she does, but the attraction is still missing and attraction and respect are intertwined.

And that's when I start thinking about the whole MMSLP thing...

And what EXACTLY would you be doing according to MMSLP. I've read it to, so what would be your plan?

I don't have a plan. I guess I was referring to being more assertive and not sweeping my feelings under the rug. But you answered that for me above.

To be clear I think there are many good points in the book, but a lot of it is junk.

I just get the feeling at times I've been too "beta" the last year trying to "fix" my marriage. Trying not to rock the boat.

The message in MMSLP about women saying they want one thing (usually more beta) but actually want another subconsciously (more alpha) gets me thinking sometimes.

I was (so I thought) more of the alpha type prior to BD. In retrospect a lot of that so called alpha was actually me taking her for granted, being aloof, getting complacent etc, which isn't alpha at all. On top of that my whole anxiety/panic disorder inadvertently made W the leader of our household.

I've changed all those things. I guess I stupidly hope that now that I've changed all those things that my W "attraction" would just magically come back.


Sorry, this post is kind of all over the place, hope some of it makes sense