Blindsided

[chl0901]

My H said something during the BD last month that I've been thinking about a lot. He said, "You're only happy with S." I do not think that is true, but that is obviously how he perceives it to be. I've been trying to be extra pleasant around H since then, but I don't know how to show him I'm "happy" with him too, just in a different way. With S, who is a toddler, we play together on the floor and laugh and are silly. On the other hand, my H has a much more serious personality and is pretty quiet most of the time. He's always been like that though. I try to show him love and appreciation with little things, such as a text here and there, making him coffee in the AMs, steaming his clothes for work sometimes, and every once in awhile getting him a card and writing a nice note to him. I've always tried to do little things like that our whole relationship though. Since the BD, I've laid off of the texts and cards, but still make him coffee in the AM and steam his work clothes every couple of days. I'm not sure what else I should do at this point to show him he's appreciated and I am happy with him without coming off as pursuing or pressuring him. I am worried that backing off like I have been will just drive a bigger space in-between us. I get that if I come on too strong (like I tried a couple of weeks ago), that will push him away, but I'm also scared that me backing off so much will also push him away further. Any happy medium or ideas?

[chl0901]

PS My clothes are fitting better and I'm wearing a blouse today I couldn't put on a couple of months ago! Slowly but surely making some progress. I am hoping H has noticed, even though he hasn't said anything. I have been working my booty off (literally!).

[Demoted26]

Don't worry about the scale number, in fact, stay off the scale! The blouse fitting & your noticing the difference in your waist are proof that what you are doing is working!! H may not say he notices, but he does!! Congrats on the progress with your physical improvements. Not ever easy, but especially rewarding now.

I wonder if your H LL is physical touch? Maybe small touches that can be done casually would help with the "feeling connected"? Just brushing past him in the hallway, touching his arm as you pass or reach for something & he's near by. Just VERY casual, low pressure touching.
I know my H LL is physical touch & I am Acts of Service (sounds like you may be as well). So, me mowing the lawn or cooking H dinner didn't do much to make him feel loved- but I THOUGHT that's what I was doing.

Last night H arrived home a day early for the weekend. H texted me he was almost home & was hungry. I had just eaten, but offered to make him
something (& went out of my way to do it). To me, that was an act of love...He appreciated it, but told me I should have just told him to hit up a fast food place.
What lit up his eyes was when our Great Dane jumped up to "hug" him & scratched his neck with her paw, on accident. He showed me the spot that was red & I said, " Yep, she got ya! I'll kiss it & make it better"....so, I just leaned in & kissed his neck.
He gave me a look, and I wasn't sure what it was, so I just laughed a little & walked away casually.
H sure took notice of me later & was very open, friendly the rest of the evening.

As for snooping on the phone... Guilty. I can't see WHO H is texting, but I'm talking 6000 a month!! I text mostly with H, so I know 2500 (average) are to me. I make myself crazy thinking about the other amount. Does knowing help? Kind of, but not really...
I am really making the effort to STOP checking.

[chasingpavements]

I try to show him love and appreciation with little things, such as a text here and there, making him coffee in the AMs, steaming his clothes for work sometimes, and every once in awhile getting him a card and writing a nice note to him. I've always tried to do little things like that our whole relationship though. Since the BD, I've laid off of the texts and cards, but still make him coffee in the AM and steam his work clothes every couple of days. I'm not sure what else I should do at this point to show him he's appreciated and I am happy with him without coming off as pursuing or pressuring him. I am worried that backing off like I have been will just drive a bigger space in-between us. I get that if I come on too strong (like I tried a couple of weeks ago), that will push him away, but I'm also scared that me backing off so much will also push him away further. Any happy medium or ideas?

Sounds like you are already at a happy medium and doing just the right amount. You are right, you do not want to pressure or push him away farther. That is where I am at right now, as well. Trying to do little things here and there, but not too much as to overwhelm him. It is so hard, as you said, because you don't want to lose the connection, but you also don't want to pursue too much! Try some little new things, and see how he responds. If he responds positively or appreciates what you are doing, keep doing it!

Demoted is on to something, do you know what your H's Love Language is ? Have you read the Love Language book? It is great. My H's love language is acts of service, so I have been doing little things to make life easier, little acts of service here and there.

[Brian in Hville]

You might want to invest in the 5 Love Languages book as well. Look it up online. It's great for all relationships!

[chl0901]

Thanks, Demoted, Hwy, & Brian!

I am currently reading DB, and have not read the Love Languages book but will definitely order it!

I was a little disappointed after getting on the scale the other day but it was really nice to try on the blouse I'm wearing this AM thinking it wouldn't fit/look good and being pleasantly surprised that it did! It's difficult sometimes to not get the "instant results/gratification" when you're working so hard at something, but I need to keep focused on the overall picture and my hard work will pay off over time (I just can't wait!).

It is definitely tempting to look at the phone bill online, because I can see the phone number (I know what OW's is)but do not know what the texts say, which drives me crazy! I looked at the phone bill online on the day of the BD, and did not see her number (that's who I was looking for when he gave me the BD). That made me feel better at the time, but then I checked again a week later and it was about 3 days after the BD H and OW started texting back and forth a lot daily (incl. some phone calls thrown in there). I just felt awful after seeing that and do admit I tried to look at his text messages that night but he had deleted them all to/from OW. Which of course made me feel awful and my mind run wild assuming all kinds of things. From the advice on here, I have not snooped at the phone bill or his phone since, but it still is tempting. I know they are having an EA (I also suspect they did years ago - OW has always been a sore spot for me but I tried to not act jealous or rude because they have been friends since before H and I met), and my heart is telling me it is also probably a PA, but I have no proof and my brain is still hoping and wishing it is not physical. Either way, I know I cannot control their actions and just need to keep working on improving myself.

Some of my GALs so far:
- Working out alone and also with friends
- Meeting friends for lunch more often
- Participating in more things like local 5ks (even with my slow times!)

Some of my 180s so far:
- Stop nagging (or as I like to say "reminding")
- Show more interest in his interests and hobbies
- Stop playing on my phone (FB, games, Pinterest, etc.) at night in bed when we are watching TV (it annoys him)
- Work on improving my appearance (since H said he is no longer physically attracted to me during BD)
- Do not initiate TM or phone calls except for business

If anyone has any thoughts on those, please let me know! I am open to suggestions or improvements on my list. Thanks!

[chl0901]

You know what's funny? I just looked up the 5LL book online to order it and when I saw the cover, I realized someone actually gave me this book as a wedding present a few years ago and I never got around to reading it! I think I know where it is so I will have to find it when I get home. Feels like some sort of sign, haha!

[Brian in Hville]

The more you look at the phone bill, the worse you are going to feel. He is going to keep calling/texting the OW. He is getting "new" attention and he is eating it up. As with most things like that, it will eventually fade. Just don't do your part to chase him into her arms. I did the same thing...I checked the phone records and saw all the calls and texts. Ask yourself, does it matter? If he continues to talk to her, does it change your mind on working on the marriage? If it doesn't, then you have to fight those urges. Nothing good can come of you looking at those.

Brian

[chl0901]

Thanks, Brian. I think you are the one early in my thread who first told me to stop snooping! I have since I saw all of the text messaging on the bill over a week ago but it is still tempting to look (even though I know he still is going to do it either way).

H just texted me about going to dinner tonight with our S so hopefully that goes well. I'll update on that later.

I hope everyone has a good night!

[Demoted26]

Have fun at dinner. Look hot & have a PMA!

Dig out that LL book too.;)