Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

The last couple of weeks have been really hard on me and I have been backsliding on a few things.

Snooping, GALing, 180ing

I discovered W has still been taking S to see OM. I discovered they have taken trips to the beach with S when she told me it was just her and S. I have seen pictures of S with OM at the beach, at the park, and all and it has been eating me up. I brought up the fact that it is insult to take S to places with OM. Her hiding it and me no knowing where my son is and who he is with besides his mother hurts. I think part of this is me being controlling. Part of it is my own history as a child I still need to deal with that W did not know about (I passively mentioned it to her years ago while we were drunk but she did not ask more about it). Concerning S, I have made sure for W to know about our activities with S and I expected the same.

After confronting her about what I found, she finally admitted to lying and said she lied because she already knew I was snooping. She has this defense mechanize of rationalizing why she has been lying about it. We talk more about OM and she said there is nothing going on and she just likes hanging out with him. The reason is because he is easy to talk to and they don’t talk about anything serious. When I asked what the sleeping arrangements were at the beach, she said he slept on the mattress, she slept on the futon and S slept in his bed. We talked about her moving out. I do think it will give us both space that is needed but I am not going to lie and say I am not worried but I also know there is nothing I can do about it.

Seeing those pictures of my S with OM pulled me back where I was when I found out about W and OM. I am trying to get out of that sad lonely angry place. I know at the end of the day, I will be the best father I can be. It still hurts. Feeling hurt and abandoned not only by W but that she sees him to be better than I not only for her but for our S. I know part of it is all in my head.

On a better note, I took S to visit my parents (who are in another state) for the long 4th weekend. It was great to see him to start bonding with my parents since he does not get to see them as much.

I need help in addressing my issues and I don’t even know what all these issues are but I know I am not happy where I am.