One giant leap forward!

[T1000]

Hmmm interesting but I guess I see it in a different way.

And if she's that ...whatever T, why is it you want to stay married to her? I haven't really seen many positives mentioned about her.

I don't want my marriage to fail. I want my kids to not have come from a broken home.
We have been happy before and know we could be happy again.
Unfortunately that would take a lot of work on her side.

Most people operate based on what they've learned works for them, most of it not a conscious decision. T, I've seen evidence or you doing it, I do it, most people try to control, try to manipulate, try to have things our way because it hurts when we don't get that.

From what you describe of her past, she probably does have a need to control. It doesn't give her a free pass but her issues don't give you one either

What do you know about boundaries, T?

A bit, I state what I will and won't accept. If that is not met i take myself away from it.

About your response to the text, I suggested you ask an open-ended question because you were unsure (or at least it seemed) as to what she meant.

You had already tried to guess what she meant as indicated by the possible responses you were coming up with. The best way to find out what someone really means is by asking. "Hey, I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say...."

You may not get the whole truth but you might get closer to it and you won't be reacting based on a story you've told yourself about what she means.

I read through most of your threads over the last couple of days and you and W both have done a lot of tit-for-tat, game playing, gotcha stuff.

Take the focus off her and put it back on you. You are the only person you can change.

If you have trouble setting boundaries, work on that. Know where your line is.

Become the man you want to be no matter what your W, or any other person in your life does.

So who is that man?

When I asked her I did leave it open ended.
You are correct about it just being easier to ask the question rather than putting words in peoples mouths.

I feel like I can be happy either way now.

I was thinking the other day. If I was dating someone else now how would I treat my W?
I certainly couldn't let her take advantage of me the way she has done. That's sort of my yard stick at the moment in regards to W right now. Could I justify the way I am acting if there was someone else in my life.

[T1000]

I won't reply to W until I heard from you guys on here.

My first thought was to respond with:

"I don't believe we could work it out without solicitors."

I would be tempted to also state that she wants too much and she always needs to win and she will try and walk all over me.
I wouldn't, that's just what I feel like saying.

Looking back at her "reasons" for the breakdown of the marriage. We had a lot problems with my family in 2009/early 2010 but things were fine 2011/2012.
Her and mother clashed a bit but whats new there.

That last line in the email:
You wish to persue everything to and fro solicitors then that is how you wish to proceed.

I could mind read that all day!!

[labug]

I don't want my marriage to fail. I want my kids to not have come from a broken home.
We have been happy before and know we could be happy again.
Unfortunately that would take a lot of work on her side.[/b]

It would take a lot of work on both sides, or do you think it's all her fault?

A bit, I state what I will and won't accept. If that is not met i take myself away from it.

That's pretty much it, great! Does setting boundaries seem effective in protecting you?

[quote]I was thinking the other day. If I was dating someone else now how would I treat my W?
I certainly couldn't let her take advantage of me the way she has done. That's sort of my yard stick at the moment in regards to W right now. Could I justify the way I am acting if there was someone else in my life.

I don't understand what dating someone else has to do with how you respond to your W? Can you explain that more?

Like I said in a previous post, your W's past doesn't give her a free pass to act however she wants and your past doesn't give you a free pass to act however you want. She may in fact take advantage of you but there are 2 people involved in that interaction and if you're truly setting boundaries, then she can't take advantage of you, no one can take advantage of you.

Get out of victim mode, be in control or your life.

[labug]

need. more. coffee

Hope you can make sense of my post as I messed up the quotes.

[T1000]

Lol, yes still make sense out of it.

It would take a lot of work on both sides, or do you think it's all her fault?

I think we are both responsible. I am more than willing to learn, grow and change. Can't make her do it but I can't see us going anyway the way she is.

That's pretty much it, great! Does setting boundaries seem effective in protecting you?

Yes it does. It stops W using/controlling me.

I don't understand what dating someone else has to do with how you respond to your W? Can you explain that more?

IF I was dating someone else and I was still my W's whipping boy it wouldn't last too long would it?
I would still be expected to help her out if really needed and still converse with her about the kids.
I wouldn't be taking days off work for or taking her bins out.

[labug]

But those are choices YOU make. You don't need to be dating someone else to make choices that are good for you.

Unless you change you, odds are high you'll fall into another very similar R, don't you think?

[T1000]

I realize that. It just made me think how I would act. I feel that the way I would act then should be the way I should act now.

I haven't planned on any dating.

[labug]

I get that but what I see is you put your behavior off on others.

"If I was dating someone else, I wouldn't..."

"If W didn't....then I wouldn't..."

This is your one and only life, what role do YOU want to play in it?

[stilllookingup]

I don't want my marriage to fail. I want my kids to not have come from a broken home.
We have been happy before and know we could be happy again.
Unfortunately that would take a lot of work on her side.

What was different when you guys were happy? You have only been married for 4 years - what went down so quickly?

[T1000]

Big bust up between me/W and my brother (best friend at the time) and his wife.
Tbh I think my brothers wife found it hard because she was the "pretty one" but shy before my W came along. My wife came along and was the pretty one but had confidence too. Obviously they have a different take on it.
It got quite messy.
My parents were trying to force a truce which made my W fight back even more.

My brother and wife weren't at the wedding. They were willing to forgive and forget but W wasn't.

When S3 was born it all got sorted out.
We even went on vacation with them and we all became great friends.

I felt stuck in the middle at the time and we argued about it a lot.
It was a crack that never went away.

We were happy for the 1st year and then imo happy years 3 and 4 although exhausted with the two kids and W losing job didn't help either.