W, I understand how you have gotten to this point and I want to thank you for being as patient as you have been with me. I understand your feelings of wanting a D and always wanted for you to just be happy. I do understand that you have done "the work" and I was just too stubborn to realize that. I understand your need to feel safe and from this day forward will honor that.
I'm not sure if I could add anything else without invalidating her?
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
If you add anything ask yourself first if it starts with "but" or in any other way invalidates her feelings or pushes your own agenda.
I FINALLY get why you keep using that phrase "give" her the divorce. Apparently it's quicker if you sign and takes a year if you don't sign? I don't know if anyone's been so blunt here but here goes: SIGN IT. For the first time you will be helping her heal. All your resistance, arguing, complaints that she's not giving enough time (when she believes she gave it 10 YEARS), and delays, is INFURIATING to her. It is not endearing you to her. She is not going to miss you at this rate. My opinion: give her what she wants, help her get it, be generous and loving. Ask her if she's sure she wants the apartment she picked out or would she be more comfortable in the home and having you take the apartment.
Bond said there's hope, and there always is...some people remarry long after their divorce. No one knows the future. But one thing is very clear. You fighting her on the divorce is absolutely one hundred percent for sure not going to turn this around. Accept that, and help her get what she wants. For once.
Try that thought on for size and see if you can see why your cause is only helped by quickly stepping up and getting divorced. Not a tactic, just being a completely different person that you have been up until now. That completely different person might warm her heart, might not, but it's the father of her children so if he's a really decent guy, who learns how to be stable and show self control, and is a great dad, she may come to enjoy being around you again, and who knows.
But you're not that different guy yet and so you're asking her to wait six months or a year with basically the same guy that she doesn't want, what would be the point of that? You're "i'm a passionate person" would be a good place to start...is that any excuse for TERRIFYING your wife?
I'm so sorry for where you're at in your sitch, but you're looking to turn around the wrong thing in this sitch, and that's why it's so steadily going away from you. You have to change that. You're looking to turn around the marriage headed to divorce, when you should be turning around your own behavior. And the most defining aspect of your behavior right now seems to be your fear and reluctance to be divorced. Can you give that up?
Weird advice for a divorcebusting forum, and don't take me as but one voice. I had some vets telling me to accept my H's decision too, long ago, and I thought it was maddening and wrong. But it's like fighting quicksand sometimes. You sometimes get more benefit from accepting than from fighting. So I say, find a way to wrap your head around WANTING the divorce...for her.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Advina! This makes a lot of sense. Thank you, I will follow your advice. I thought for a long time that I would be able to change her mind, I have philosophical differences n the way I thought about this sitch, and they never matched my w's. I realize I can't win this battle and I will surrender. I wish I could have just given her the D at the beginning, I would probably gotten more respect if I had. Hindsight! This is the hardest most painful event of my life
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
I wish I could have just given her the D at the beginning, I would probably gotten more respect if I had. Hindsight!
Sorry to say, you still don't get it. You haven't grown,you haven't changed, all you have tried to do is convince your wife to change her mind. Had you actually detached, gotten a life, given her the space she requested and improved yourself, she may have done so. The only reason everyone is telling you to sign is because you ignored and harassed her for so long while supposedly "DBing". I didn't see any posts from a year or so ago telling you to give her a D. They are only telling you that now because you ignored the advice for so long it is your only option. Therefore, your "hindsight" that you should have given her a divorce at the beginning is just you rewriting the advice so you still don't have to do to the work.
The D alone doesn't give you hope that she will come back, she won't. Growing up, becoming a better person and learning to listen to your STBXW may.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Wow, I'm kind of new to following DRM very closely, so I missed the year of frustration, but are y'all really trying to help with the "you missed the boats" and the "you don't get its"? Because I'm wondering if you're trying to shake him up so he "gets it" or if you're just being a little mean out of frustration. No, a lot mean. I've done it myself, on some threads I stay out of on purpose now. Just asking, what is the goal here, in terms of being helpful to DRM?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
"I have philosophical differences n the way I thought about this sitch, and they never matched my w's."
You still don't understand. They weren't "philosophical" differences. She made it very clear how you treated her over the years and tried to set things right, but you didn't understand or try to understand enough to deal with it.
"I realize I can't win this battle and I will surrender."
This is not a battle. That's been your problem. You feel like you have to "win". You don't. There are no winners. A M is based on compromise and compassionate understanding on both parts. You've always felt that it has to be your way and didn't try to see her POV.
" I wish I could have just given her the D at the beginning, I would probably gotten more respect if I had. Hindsight!"
No you wouldn't have. The way you get her respect is by listening to her. And I'm not talking about the D. I don't know what else to tell you to get through to you. She has always wanted to feel SAFE. You NEVER addressed that on your own and still gloss over that. I told you time and time again about that, but you ignored it. AND she even wrote it in her recent letter to you.
If you would have tried to understand enough to make her feel safe, she would respect you more. You're going backwards again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wow, I'm kind of new to following DRM very closely, so I missed the year of frustration, but are y'all really trying to help with the "you missed the boats" and the "you don't get its"? Because I'm wondering if you're trying to shake him up so he "gets it" or if you're just being a little mean out of frustration. No, a lot mean. I've done it myself, on some threads I stay out of on purpose now. Just asking, what is the goal here, in terms of being helpful to DRM?
I apologize. Adinva is correct. I started reading your posts and did become frustrated, I wasn't trying to be mean, I was trying to "shake you up", instead it came across as very mean and I am sorry.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Apology accepted LTH. I'am doing the best I can. I got home yesterday and there has been no talk of mediation, or of moving out by w. Not sure what is happening, and I'm not sure I should ask. We've been having a nice family weekend as "friends" living in the same house co-parenting our kids. Not what I want, but happy to be with my family "together". I explained to my w that I understood why she felt like she wanted a D last night.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Stop talking about what YOU want. You haven't stopped doing that even though you keep saying that you are going to what your W wants for a change.
Right, sorry...
I hate to ask but I'm sure that wasn't all that was discussed. How did it come up and what was discussed?
Well, when she wrote "I have spent over ten years doing the work." from her last letter. I feel like she hasn't really done any work on our relationship and our communication problems. She responded by telling me all the ways she acted lovingly towards me in the past. That wasn't what I meant, and it seems like she doesn't understand that WE need to do work on our R TOGETHER. Her acts of love or my acts of love in the past were not enough to stop us from getting here.
I know I'm supposed to focus on how W feels and I'm supposed to focus on my work. I see the mistakes Im making thanks to you guys.
I'm confused as to what to do now. Do I seek mediation and D to show W I'am listening to her and I respect her wants, or do I not bring it up until she does again?
I don't remember most of our conversation, but it was a very low key, calm exchange. If it comes back to me I'll post.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
