Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

I feel like my W is trying to manipulate me to maintain the status quo. I have told her that it is my decision that if she leaves again that I am ready to end the marriage and move forward alone. So she is still here. (Except that she just left for a last minute job opportunity today until Tue.) We have had a lot of talks. She has been more open than ever before. Monday she was even researching on the internet how to help herself. Her searches were about "choosing wife or lover" or "I love my wife but in love with another woman." So she seems to be a little more proactiv in her own recovery. But...

She is fighting me on moving forward. She still wants to be with the AP but can't let me go and today was pretty combative. She "has to get her brother's car back to him" She doesn't know when or how long she will be gone. She can't believe that I would walk away from my responsibilities and get my own place when my income is needed to maintain the house. etc... (Isn't that interesting that she thinks I am walking away from my commitments? I guess she sees my as a choice and hers she has no control over?)

When I told her that leaving the house was for my mental health and to help me move on because being there would be too difficult while she started a new life with AP she asked, "what if I don't go to her and I just go back to my brother's"... status quo. To me that feels like her honesty the other day when she said that if she was really honest that she wanted me to stay home and married while she went to see if it works with AP.

Ya know... when we talk, all the little things over the past few months... texts, emails, conversations where she says that she doesn't know what's wrong with her and she doesn't think that she and AP are right for each other deep down and she loves me, we're "broken not bent"... she says she doesn't remember sending me those things or doesn't know why she sent them if I ask her about them. She just gets this blank stare and gives me the old tried and true response, her favorite, "I don't know."

I couldn't write this screenplay if I tried. It's a really bad lifetime movie. Twilight zone. Where is Ashton? Am I being punked?

I don't know. In between all the crazy we have communicated. Yesterday she sobbed again and again. At one point I didn't know what to say or do to comfort her so I just laid down beside her held her hand and started praying out loud. Asking God to comfort her. To help her. To show her the lessons he means for her to learn and to fill her up with his love so that she knows she is never alone. God is good. As she listened to my prayer she stopped crying and caught her breath. I left her there to fall asleep for a nap. I can count on 1 hand how many times we've prayed out loud together. I felt called to do it.