Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

Thanks you two.
I'll ask at the healthfood place, vitamin store. I'm sure they can suggest something. LBLC, I do what I can, but I have no cartilidge on my left hip joint & no rear flexation in my fingers & wrists, very little side to side on at the ankles..little upwards motion above the shoulder in my arms. 3 crushed disks in my back, and a pinched sacroiliac nerve.

The joint disease I have causes your spine & other joints to fuse together. Top that off with Rheumatoid Arthritis & Fibromyalgia and I have to be VERY, VERY careful not to hurt myself. If I push too hard (like mowing our lawn, which I now usually have to do myself, as hubby who was once meticulous is not so much anymore) I pay bigtime the next day. I swell, stiffen, and go into bouts of exhaustion similar to that after you've had an extended flu. This can last a day...our up to a week, just depends. If anyone knows who Mick Mars of Motley Crue is...well, he & I share the same disease. You can see what its done to him. I'm not there, not anywhere near as frail. But that is my future.

That's some of why I fear life alone so much. My doc said maybe 3 years & I'll need a caretaker. (I'm fighting that )
H knows all this...I can't believe he's left me to face this alone. I sat at his bedside & in waiting rooms in assorted hospitals for YEARS thinking he was going to die. He was disabled for years with a birth defect in his heart that was critical. Now I get this in return? Not fair & it pisses me off!! I have no one but my kids if I should need help. If we D I wont even have access to medical care.

Five years ago I was essentially bed ridden; could not dress myself, comb my hair, drive, walk more than 50 feet at a time. It was terrible. I was in debilitating pain. I've come a long way... But I will never be "normal".

Sorry for the rant, but I'm feeling resentful today. This is new & I'm struggling with it. You're right, I can't change him. I can only change me...and I've done a lot to make myself better. I don't nag, I try to show only PMA (have slipped now & again with tears, but have come a long way), no longer express anger or frustration towards hubby, don't ask his whereabouts/who he's with, don't bring up the R talks, try to be more outgoing/fun/adventurous,etc.

I've taken as much pressure off him as I can muster.
I'm kind, respectful, I listen to HIS problems, no longer shop for anything not absolutely necessary (big complaint prior, now he spends frivolously), home cook above average full meals 3x a day (he went through a faze in Jan/Feb where he felt everything I made sucked...still is there occassionally. He used to brag about my cooking & his whole family thinks I should do it for a living). I. I clean/take care of the household (both his & my chores since he's gone all week...and when he is here he jokingly calls himself "a visitor" & acts like one most days). I feel somewhat taken advantage of. But, then, he throws in there that he's paying for the house & utilities so WE get to"enjoy" the house while he "suffers" & sleeps on couches & can't afford an apartment or room.

I've told him...we didn't kick you out, you followed your job (& chose separation, which I didn't say). It's not our fault & I'm trying to keep costs down as much as I can.

So, I try not to get too upset, realizing he's doing a lot for us, but at least I say thanks. I spend 6+ hours cleaning (by myself, my D sleeps on the couch while I do it...its her "day off work" so she won't help. I complain to her, but I can't physically make her help. She will vacuum eventually, since I can't physically run the vacuum cleaner). Its just "MY JOB" to do these things in this familie's eyes, which I didn't mind when I was a wife who got love & respect, who was treated kindly & was part of a team.

Each Friday before he comes home
I have the house white glove spotless, lawns mowed, laundry done, food shopping complete (all his favorites/requests), dogs washed, sheets changed,etc.
I do this so we can relax & enjoy the weekend with more entertaining things.

Last week he actually complained that the underside tim of the toilet want clean enough in the master bath. Wow. It just hit me today as I cleaned it....how many separated husbands not only get an enthusiastic welcome home each weekend...but also all this other stuff done ( because it was my job when I was a wife & because I still don't have work outside the home, so I figure out IS"my fair share")??!!
Do THE other S's actually complain?

Dunno. Just struck me as disrespectful today. Who knows, maybe I'm just growing tired & its been a bad couple of weeks with my dad in the hospital & all on top of it?
Didn't help H told me he hated a painting in our livingroom last weekend. I was just dusting it today & the conversation came back to me.
I wonder, does he remember that I got it as a housewarming gift for him 3 years ago when we bought this house (our first), and that I bought it because it depicted the Golden Gate Bridge, because we spent a lot of fun times in SF when we dated, and I wanted to honor that?