Wife said she was done! House sold, Moving forward

[Maritimer]

I agree with Bond ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You have to let her go and worry about you and the kids. In her eyes nothing you do will be good and most likely will be twisted to make you look evil no matter what it is (lived it so saying that from experience).

F accommodating her or even talking with her anymore. It will only cause you to spin because it won't be reciprocated and likely won't change her mind.

No getting around the money, there's a chart...Income + 2 kids = 35% of my net income plus other expenses. Unless I go for equal custody. I never went that route due to avoiding rocking the boat. I will request 50/50 in the future. Im getting mixed opinions on this. Some say you have a better chance when there older and other say do it now or it will never happen. Depends on your lawyer.

Do you want 50/50 custody? If yes then fight for it now. Are you willing to miss any time that you could have with kids 'waiting for them to get older'? My first L almost had me convinced to take a deal on custody because it was better then what the guy usually gets here but it wasn't what I wanted, thankfully a friend convinced me to fight for what I felt was right. One of the scariest decisions I ever had to make in my life but I turned the deal down and got ready to fight for my kids. I ended up getting new L and now have kids over 50% of the time due to her work schedule. Don't be afraid to fight for what's right for you and the kids. If you don't you'll regret it. Being the nice guy here will cost you, seen it happen to a lot of friends...

For the record, I'm not saying you should turn into an a$$hole or be vindictive or any of that stuff. I'm just recommending you fight for what you feel is right and concentrate on what's best for you and kids. You can do this and still be civil with W.

I guess im waiting for her to Lawyer up first. I don't have the financial means now to pay for a good Lawyer, neither does she really. I would like to spend more time with the children without her present so that means I will have to move closer to them.

I will continue to prepare myself financially, mentally , physically to fight for my rights as a caring father to my little rock stars!

Thanks for the encouragement, I really needed that!

[MrBond]

"What part needs to stop?"

All the accommodating. You're being too nice.

"I love hanging out with my children. its 30 min each way and I visit them 4 times a week. I am planning to move closer within the next year. I have a fear that they will forget about me if I see them any less than that."

"Unless I go for equal custody. I never went that route due to avoiding rocking the boat. I will request 50/50 in the future."

YOu should have pushed for this when all this happened. You're being too nice to her and she's left you with nothing. Can you swing the 50/50 with the kids now? If so, do it. They need you (especially since they're your sons) just as much as their mom.

[MrBond]

Oh and don't be surprised if when you do ask for the 50/50, she's going to come down on you hard. She's going to call you names, criticize and even lie about your inability as a father. Don't you crack under that. Stand up to her when that happens.

[BKS]

MrBond,

I am a big fan of your outlook and opinions on WAS/MLCer's. I agree with you when you say stop accomodation and kissing their a$$. When my W show me disrespect now, I call her on it immediately and tell her she is being rude and disrespectful. I tell her in a firm tone but I dont yell.

When I first started doing this, it caught her off gaurd. She was expecting me to just take it and when I didnt, I gained a small amount of my self-respect back and she has taken notice (I believe).

One of my problems, Maritimer, is that I didnt have a good grasp on what they call "acting AsIf". I started to act "AsIf" I was moving forward with my life. When I didnt get the results I wanted, I started to cycle down and became frustrated. What that taught me was that I wasnt detaching like I should. I think I am starting on an up cycle now.

I am not saying I am fully detached but, by not putting up with her acting disrespectful to me and actually not caring how she reacts when I choose to live my life "my way", it has help me to move forward.

Set your boundaries and be firm with them. You cannot control what she does but she cannot control you, (as long as you dont let her). Keep GAL and DBing. Dont be disrespectful to her and more importantly, dont take the disrespectful behavior from her.

It is hard to find the fine line between lovingly detaching and being an a$$, for me at least. I went to the extreme side of accommodating her at first and trust me, you will gain very little in the way of respect from her.

I am not saying that this will help mend your R but it will help mend your self-respect. And, as said previously, someone with no self-respect or confidence is not very attractive to person of the opposite sex.

Get those two character traits back and she will notice. She may still not come back but I can assure you, others will be attracted to you because off it. I think that is what they mean when they say you need to start moving forward AsIf you are not affected by their negativity toward the LBS.

WAS have very strong feelings and most of them are negative towards the LBS. You cant change their feelings no matter how hard you try. What you can do is change yourself and let them notice. Your positive changes are 100% in your control and when I started to change for the better, I noticed that it frustrated my W. By GAL, detaching and becoming a spouse they would be a fool to leave, you are taking their ammunition from them. It puts the decision of leaving squarely on their shoulders where it has been all the time. It makes it harder for the WAS to rationalize that leaving is the best choice.

MrBond, you rock!

BKS

[Maritimer]

Thanks Mr Bond, Spartan, BKS and others for helping me understand where I can improve. Other friends have told me the same so I need to find that fine line of being assertive and not being an a$$. This will be a big 180 for me.

I did mention that she hurt the children's grandmother by un friending her on Facebook. It one of the only ways she get to see what her grandchildren are up to and seeing the new pictures. My mother is scared and intimated by her. I told her it was disrespectful and not necessary. Her reaction was no response and hung her head low.

This was all said in a calm firm tone. It felt good expressing feeling and not being fearing her reaction.

Im ordering a book called "No more MR nice guy" It should help me look out for myself and not be negatively affected by other peoples actions.

[Spartan]

How you doing buddy?

[Maritimer]

How you doing buddy?

Thanks for sticking with me Spartan!

I had a setback on Friday. I requested to take my S3(Autistic) for the weekend to have some one on one time with him. She told me no!

I first asked if she had plans with them and she had none. She told me to take 2 of them or none at all... I was in shock. Our S3 has special needs and strives with individual attention. I tried to explain that i was not playing favorites its just at his age the are things i can do with S3 like swimming, biking, that I cannot do with S1. I believe it would benefit the kids by spending individual time with them. Am I wrong in thinking this way?

Instead of escalating the issue, I told her that was unfair, hugged the boys and walked away. It was a bit selfish of me to do that but I wanted to make a stand in regards to her always telling me what to do. She is still trying to controlling me by our children.

On Sunday I asked to take both kids to the beach for the day and was successfully granted time with them. Had a wonderful day creating memories with them.

When we first agreed to live apart she told me that she would never keep the children from me.. Now I am experiencing my time with them has conditions. She seems angry when I am around, which I donno why. It make it challenging to co-parent this way.

[Maritimer]

I am continuing to identify what my contribution to the breakup of the marriage was, mainly I took my marriage for granted.

I thought the love would always be present because of our vows. I now realize that it is a living organism that need consist nourishment to thrive.

Her emotional need were not meet be me. I'm responsible for not being more supportive over the years. I figured by being a good provider for the household and producing wonderful children it would mean a successful family.

I've relied too much on her to make me happy, her beauty and presents made me feel complete. I need to feel that from within, not by her.

By not respecting her concerns. When she brought up issues I thought were petty, it must have made her feel like I never respected her feelings.

I am a fixer, I was always trying to tell her how to resolve her family issues. She felt like I never respected her family by doing this. They are Native Canadian (Indian) in which their culture are much different from the way I was brought up.

Now I am working on forgiving myself for not recognizing these traits earlier in our relationship. Also I've got to figure out some way to forgive for the affects it will have on the children.

The book I am now reading called "No More Mr Nice Guy" is a real eye opener. I have many insecurities that I need to work on. I thought being a "nice guy" was all I needed to help have a happy life. This way of living has caused resentment and for my wife to not respect me.

Time for a paradigm shift. I turn 37 today and will learn from my past in order to create a happy future!

DB will be a huge part of this.

[Maritimer]

I had my final session with my therapist and she said that I am doing so well that there is no need for me to see her any more. Im grateful that she believes I will continue to improve and have developed the tools needed to cope with this marital breakup.

I am struggling to choose if I should start dating or not. I am now 9 months into my situation and W has shown no sign of wanting to get back together. Why is it that I feel that I need a woman in my life to feel complete? I get lonely even with my busy life.

The W is not as cold when I pick up the boys so it makes me more comfortable when i am there. I heard that she is on a dating site and that hurts knowing that she is looking for another guy.

Still having my good days and bad. Wondering if she is completely finished with me or that she just need more time and patients with a glimmer of hope for reconciliation.

Gracefully hanging in there!

[Positivespin]

Why would you date now?

Your lonely, so you think you should date? Dating is what your friends tell you to do because its "the next step".Instead do something by yourself.

That nasty, painful, lonely time is when you grow. Do you find yourself thinking about the M when your alone? The kids? What you had?.......YOU NEED TOO!

You will get sad, you will get angry, you will cry, you will scream, hell I hyperventilate sometimes.

But you need to like yourself. In order to do that you need to find out who you are now. That last 10 years have changed you.

Remember a strong relationship happens when TWO STRONG INDIVIDUALS come together

You are not there- she is not there

I understand your busy...we are all busy and work cant be our identity. So, what are you doing for you?

What does Maritimer do for fun?
What is Maritimer doing now to improve himself?

What are some long term goals?
What short term goals have you identified to help you achieve them?

If your going to make the difficult decision to spend time with you and invest in yourself- Do it the right way. Its hard as hell but wow!

Folks drink to escape
Folks use weed to escape

Escape from what???????? NOW IS THE TIME TO SLAY THE DRAGON

I never did drugs but I drank (not abuse)and over-ate. Obviously, I wasnt happy.

Now Im 70+ lighter and havent had a drink since Jan 7. (except one day on 8/2)

Im not going to run from anything anymore.

Your wife will take notice when your awesome