Last 5 days I have as I said I have gone Dim on my wife, (due to hard to go dark with young kids involved). Well today she texted me about having to fire someone at her business. I listened, validated and then ended the conversation without dragging it on. Felt good. Baby steps.
That's great! Baby steps indeed. I've been getting along well with W as well when we interact. We've been making more and more friendly small talk, but I've been good about not hanging on to too much, ending the conversation first, while keeping PMA.
ETC, lol. Good video. As I've come to understand this is just a marathon to see if my W comes out of the fog. For us it's not about being nice to each other or stop fighting. Her reason for leaving was that she just feels that she fell out of love and we lack the passion she feels a married couple should have. She has told everyone including me how great I am and it's just a feeling she has of the lack of being in love and wanting to live alone. So our interactions are always fine. Just talk about the kids as we pass them back and fourth. I'm just hoping that she does come out of the fog one day and realize people do fall back in love and that our marriage is worth at least trying for. Patients!!!! But it's so hard.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Jax, I can relate. I've heard those same things. W even called me a "catch" during all of this. Quite confusing.
Have you read "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? I've spent some time going through it and I'm seeing more clearly now that I haven't learned to show love to others the way THEY want to be loved.
I have read it and took the quiz to find out what mine is. But how do you know what someone else's love laungage is without them taking the quiz and who would you be using that info on if not your wife? At this point, even if I new my W's love laungage there wouldn't be anything I could do with it. Wish we had taken the quiz together years ago.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
I have read it and took the quiz to find out what mine is. But how do you know what someone else's love laungage is without them taking the quiz and who would you be using that info on if not your wife? At this point, even if I new my W's love lauguage there wouldn't be anything I could do with it. Wish we had taken the quiz together years ago.
Jax, I know I'm no expert, but even during S we likely still have opportunities to either fill or deplete our W's love tanks. We can use the time away to reflect on what love languages our Ws use. Maybe I'm optimistic, but even in our limited time interacting during this time (esp. when going dim) we could use interactions to fill their love tanks.
It would be interesting to get some perspective on this from a vet.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
You are married to her right? How has she shown YOU love? That's usually how the person likes to be loved themselves. For example, if she's always holding your hand, initiating sex, etc., then her LL is physical touch.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well Mr.Bond, You may have just hit on a problem I have turned a blind eye to for a very long time in my marriage. My W never really showed me any. I didn't get the affection I wanted, hated that she never initiated sex, she never seemed concerned about us spending time together and never gave me gifts. Though I did all that to her. It's sad really, that it took this long for me to put it all together. That's why I can't think of what her love language is. She always liked getting gifts but that makes me think thst I just had to try to buy her love and I shouldn't have had to. I know things that I did wrong but this ultimately is she deal. She just left because she feels she knows who she is and is not a person that wants to be married. Wants to live alone, doesn't want to be held accountable to anyone. She's that she has changed in the last 7 years and she won't be unhappy so everyone else is happy. Is all this just BS? I don't know? I know there is something wrong saying this when you have 3 kids ages 5,4 and 9 months. And there were no obvious problems in the marriage. I don't know. The mind never stops analyzing.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
"she never initiated sex, she never seemed concerned about us spending time together and never gave me gifts."
It's important to not talk in absolutes. I'm sure there were times that she did initiate sex, gave you gifts, etc. If you continue to say 'never', well why would you want to stay with her if she "never" did anything for you?
There is alot of mindreading in your post. You really don't know that she wants to live alone (even though she might have said it).
"The mind never stops analyzing."
That's the problem. There's no sense in YOU analyzing her because it won't do any good. SHE has to really analyze HERSELF.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok well never is pushing it but seriously it was very rare. In seven years she lived away at school for 6 months, on exact opposite schedules for 2 years, was a no sex while pregnant women, so times 9 months by 3 kids, abd had post partum depression with every kid. Throw in a bankruptcy and we have had a rough time but never did i think this could happen. we had a serious lack of communication along the way on both sides. There is nothing else I want in this world than her to want to be with me, in love, and happy. I want my wife and my family put back together. I'm fully committed to this working until the time comes when I'm done. Only I will know when that is. I know I use this to vent and worry but Im also doing the things I'm supposed too. I have been GAL, still in the gym hard, putting my kids number 1, going to a IC, and so on.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
