Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

This is so hard.

[RealityTrip]

I feel like my W is trying to manipulate me to maintain the status quo. I have told her that it is my decision that if she leaves again that I am ready to end the marriage and move forward alone. So she is still here. (Except that she just left for a last minute job opportunity today until Tue.) We have had a lot of talks. She has been more open than ever before. Monday she was even researching on the internet how to help herself. Her searches were about "choosing wife or lover" or "I love my wife but in love with another woman." So she seems to be a little more proactiv in her own recovery. But...

She is fighting me on moving forward. She still wants to be with the AP but can't let me go and today was pretty combative. She "has to get her brother's car back to him" She doesn't know when or how long she will be gone. She can't believe that I would walk away from my responsibilities and get my own place when my income is needed to maintain the house. etc... (Isn't that interesting that she thinks I am walking away from my commitments? I guess she sees my as a choice and hers she has no control over?)

When I told her that leaving the house was for my mental health and to help me move on because being there would be too difficult while she started a new life with AP she asked, "what if I don't go to her and I just go back to my brother's"... status quo. To me that feels like her honesty the other day when she said that if she was really honest that she wanted me to stay home and married while she went to see if it works with AP.

Ya know... when we talk, all the little things over the past few months... texts, emails, conversations where she says that she doesn't know what's wrong with her and she doesn't think that she and AP are right for each other deep down and she loves me, we're "broken not bent"... she says she doesn't remember sending me those things or doesn't know why she sent them if I ask her about them. She just gets this blank stare and gives me the old tried and true response, her favorite, "I don't know."

I couldn't write this screenplay if I tried. It's a really bad lifetime movie. Twilight zone. Where is Ashton? Am I being punked?

I don't know. In between all the crazy we have communicated. Yesterday she sobbed again and again. At one point I didn't know what to say or do to comfort her so I just laid down beside her held her hand and started praying out loud. Asking God to comfort her. To help her. To show her the lessons he means for her to learn and to fill her up with his love so that she knows she is never alone. God is good. As she listened to my prayer she stopped crying and caught her breath. I left her there to fall asleep for a nap. I can count on 1 hand how many times we've prayed out loud together. I felt called to do it.

[Wonka]

((((RT)))

This is rough and tough to endure! No kiddin'.

Wanted to post Cadet's quote from another thread that I thought you might benefit from:

Here's my take on this answer.

I believe that 100% of LBS's get to make the final decision in this matter in the end.

And if you are one of the ones that have not made that decision yet, well then it is not yet the end!

So true. Ultimately the decision rests on us on whether to keep on standing or to end the M.

Your W is testing you...as evidenced by this comment:
When I told her that leaving the house was for my mental health and to help me move on because being there would be too difficult while she started a new life with AP she asked, "what if I don't go to her and I just go back to my brother's"... status quo

From my perspective, she is definitely waffling between you and the AP. She is still hooked on the drug of choice which is not yet completely out of her system yet. This brings up the boundary issue...how far do you want to go in setting up a boundary here and be prepared to walk away if W does cross it. That is a choice that only you can make.

Ya know... when we talk, all the little things over the past few months... texts, emails, conversations where she says that she doesn't know what's wrong with her and she doesn't think that she and AP are right for each other deep down and she loves me, we're "broken not bent"... she says she doesn't remember sending me those things or doesn't know why she sent them if I ask her about them

This all makes me wonder if W is having some sort of MLC or is so stressed out about many factors such as unemployment, bickering with AP, going back and forth between you and the AP that she is probably forgetful. The one thing that makes me sit up straight is the "don't know what's wrong with me" comment. This is a very typical MLC response. I even told that to my DXW. Makes you go "hmmmm...isn't that interesting" to borrow from Stubborn's playbook.

Perhaps you might want to step back to ground yourself, get your bearings back, and evaluate what has transpired over the last few days. Hopefully you will be able to gain some clarity from a different perspective.

We're here for YOU, RT, and support whatever choice you feel is best for you and your W. Not easy at all.

We will get through this together.
We will get through this together.
We will get through this together!

deep, long exhale

[Wonka]

For inspiration, you might want to check out rH's thread over in the MLC forum. rH's screen name is reachingHigher. There are some parallels to your sitches.

[RealityTrip]

Thanks Wonka. You have been such a comfort and give me a calming perspective. I just sifted through some of RH's threads. Whoooaaaa! Bless her heart. She's one tough cookie. It's very helpful to read. Matter of fact W asked me the other day if I thought she was in a MLC. I answered, "Yes. I think you are in a crisis. I don't think it needs to be labeled as mid-life. I think we all experience crisis through life as we grow. I had one as an adolescent/young adult. You did not. Now you are having this growth spurt in your forties and I may not." I think she didn't want to be labeled MLC. I think she sees it as a weakness so I tried to give her an alternative label with the same definition.

I take comfort in the thought that it is ultimately my decision to end the M. It sure seems that way logically since she's waffled for going on 2yrs in an A. But it absolutely does not FEEL that way most days! I don't want my M to end but I really absolutely don't want to go on in this triad any longer. I have offered her a chance at reconciliation, forgiveness, love, and stood for us alone all these many months. My boundry now is that I need reciprocity to continue. She just doesn't seem willing to give it. She may want to, but the hold the A has is too strong. So I just keep pushing myself forward. Grieving all the way to acceptance is the plan.

I recognize that what's best for me isn't always what I want. I can't allow her indecision or lack of action to hurt me anymore. I am not perfect. But at least I am taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back now. So I am getting somewhere unlike the mountainous backslides I've felt in the past.

I've been thinking a lot about something my younger sis told me yesterday. She said that during her visit here what she witnessed was me showing grace, forgiveness and love to my W making her feel wanted. She said in terms of my W she never seemd like she really wanted to be here with me or the family, including my W's brother and niece. She said my W was just disconnected and distant.

Which brings up a new habit my W has. She is constantly on her smartphone playing a solitaire game. At all times. No matter who is around or what we are doing. She gets very upset if you ask her to disengage from it. She will... but pouts. Then within a few minutes she will pick it back up again like a rebelious child. I've asked her about it. She says she 'just wants to beat her best score' or that she 'likes it because it clears her head and stops her thinking.' At one point after a few scuffles between us over it, one night I asked her to show me how to play it. We sat together and she showed me a few things. She's really good at it so I couldn't touch her score. But it was a moment to connect rather than nag. I still don't get it though. Hours upon hours she does this. Why?

[JuneReN]

Here we go, we have a few differences between us
But maybe I can offer some insight, since you help me so much

Being home with you makes me feel stagnant again like before and if I go to her she will teach me how to be a real estate agent and get me out of this rut in my life.

I know for a fact H is terrified of going back to the person he was. That is one of the main things that stops him from "coming back". In his head, I made him like this and this is the person he is with me and he doesn't want that so he can't be with me. XGF is not the full time parent, has huge amounts of time, eats well, works out and is active and fit. This is life H wants, but can't seem to remember that it is a choice-his choice, but he is not strong enough yet. Neither is your W.

If you want the honest to God's answer, I want to go to her and see if it works but I want you to stay here in our house in case it doesn't. (oh yeah... you read that right. She actually SAID what we all know they are thinking!)

Ya, not been said out loud, but I get that feeling too in my sitch. The thing is is whether it is good for us or not. I am okay with where I am right now. You? Ya, it's cake eating for sure, but at the end of the day, you decide what youbare good with.

Life with AP looks and feels like a fresh start and I think I need a fresh start.

See above.

I am in the same sitch. All I can do is let H do what he has to do and so will I. But I tell you, everytime he flips I am able to detach a little further, that tug lessens. I read the same in you, even though you're freaking right now.

[JuneReN]

The game is a way to disconnect. Her way of stopping the hamsters....she can't deal with the decisions right now.

[Wonka]

I am in agreement with Ruby about your W playing games...she is feeling too overwhelmed by stuff going on inside her that she is disengaging from all as a coping method. Right or wrong..it is how she's handling things from her end.

[StubbornDyke]

Yup. The games are definitely avoidance. A way to shut the brain off.

RT, this may be a good time to call a DB coach. Well, there's never a bad time, but it can be tough to afford. Those folks have seen it all and have really good perspective as well as some tricks to get our LBS heads screwed on better.

I thought of that because I remember my coach describing the process of healing an R and reciprocity was definitely something that happened further down the line. Your W is really messed up right now. She can't do any healthy R because she can't even get herself together. That has to be her first step. Her focus really does need to be inward in order for her to do the work she needs to do.

Take care of yourself. Focus on the work that you need to do. And remember that detachment is the secret to healthy, happy, successful Rs.

((((((((R)))))))))

[Wonka]

RT...what's up, bud. How are you? Hope there's some relative normalcy for you.