so dawn- was it a year ago or two? somehow i thought you and i were on the same route here.
maybe it was 2 yrs ago found out- 1 yr ago "embraced" dbing.
it's sure been a long road and a bad diet - huh? tho, mind you, my back is better than in years (lost those 15 or 20 lb?) idk
nayway- i'm glad you two are there- and feel as you do.
i wish i'd hear a "voice" and response of a sort. i just always think - HONESTLY- MY whole discovery process (the couple events below- plopped rite in my stinkin lap- UNAVOIDABLE CONFRONTATION WITH TRUTH - i wasn't even looking or knowing a darn thing and KA BAM - FORCING ME HONESTLY TO KNOW IT ALL - - they found me - complete with finding this book were "THE HAND OF GOD" Leading me somewhere -
no kidding.
year before bomb - anyway- so - one day i run into his computer to turn it on and print something- and ka bam on screen - ow...
i ask about it (he's in fl) - he lies allabout it - i swallow it - i am sooo trusting & stupid - - i tra la away for anotehr year.
july 2011 - i fly down to fla in a rush because his step mom dying- i listen to phone messages and his cousin leaves one- a bit too too "friendly" - i go look at his "other" e-mail account- yes, sneak - and there it is - a love e-mail. i confront him & freak out - he is ratty, etc.=
a month later we're gettin colonoscopys (of all things) i'm a misery girl - but life goes on - rite - and i'm sittin in waiting room and he hands me his cellphone to hold while he's in there. geeeez - guy next to me strikes up convo about it- how to use it- m etc, i take a look and ka bam - ow for real e-mail- TOTAL GLOBAL ANNIHLATION-
TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF HEART/LIFE - i trudge forward - life goes on - rite....????
then there i am , doh de doh - walking like a zombie too feeling dead inside- no where to look for anyhthing hopeful or good to see 0- to snap me out of the misery. just thinking if a hole open4d in front of me and i died it wouldn't be so bad a thing. no kidding - how dreary & drastic.
thinking it might not be so bad to be dead- eek
we're at flea market - i'm just moping along- pick up mwd book - it flops open to mlc - i read a page and think OMG - THIS IS ME, THIS IS HIM , THIS IS US..... buy it -
finding it- reading it- changed my life in the sense that i'm doing this- trying this-
found this site- everyone in the universe i know (inside or out) thinks i'm nuts to be here. tho, my more reasonable couple goodbuddies can admit that after soooo many years- they do not know how they (for real) would react and what they would do-
SOOOOOO - FATE? WHAT? GOD? I LIKE TO THINK? somehow i feel like praying is whining and asking for favors. i ask for direction and ability to "do my part right for everyone- help them along their journey" my mom. feels wrong to ask for something for myself- other than direction & strength.
upbringing i guess- diy - don't ask - be a man... butch up-
so forth
glad i met you two- glad we're here holding hands around the campfire-
where from here ? from today- idk-
coom by ah my Lord, know that song - girlscouts ? idk-
