Thanks for the love and i'll take it. it's a big joke here- my life. no teeth anywhere - going today 1:30 to begin process of new pair. i'm hoping they're quick - hate to think of that poor old thing not even being able to eat and enjoy food. i mean, really - at that point it's about all there is l3eft.
need to go get her a coffee cake now that i say it- she's a goodie freak and i think (rather suddenly) she's forgetting she can go to that big white box over there in the kitchen and find food!!! oh man
YOU ARE RITE - YOU know me so well- i'm feeling stress about him coming here.
Even tho i do know in my heart it's about him - not me - things he's said pop into my head - it was such a shock for him to really "let me have it" 2 yrs ago- the few little stupid & rotten (& personal) things are just "in there" and pop out sometimes. like my mother's voice (eeeeek - mother's power over us) my gut responds when it "hears" his voice.
i got thinking yesterday that one thing he said , when i found out and we had a first giant confrontation about ow & all THIS - WHEN I SAID so just sell me your half of house for half of what we paid? , give it to me? , named another price or two and he refused and said "buy me out at full market value " and when i asked why he would nickel & dime me about this when he's got more money than he knows what to do with-
he said " i'm teaching you a lesson". wtf - what the heck that lesson exactly is - idk. he never fleshed it rite out all the way.
i thought of it yesterday- wondering if it's a lesson about "abandoning" him - per someone's quote in their post. BUT THEN if he cheated with her 20 yrs ago- me going to nj and him not wanting to leave his stupid state can't be the lesson - i thought the lesson was "don't love a jerk like him tooo much - it 'BURDENS HIM to hae someone love him. that was what i think the lesson was/is.
idk- i think assuming i was/am his 'EQUAL' IN a r is the lesson- he has to be the king and i have to sit at his feet & worship-
his verbal spiel began as "you don't have to cook & clean and turn into a house maid - " at the beginning and it allll became my job and i did, in fact, turn into ahousemaid.
i am having big trouble getting out of that mindset - i see myself spinning thinking i should be cleaning & making yard look nice, etc. B S - IT IS BS AND I'M BUYING INTO IT. it's this comeing and going.
for years - feels like he arrives to LOOK ME & PLACE OVER AND SEE IF HE LIKES WHAT HE SEES (go jump in lake please) and then when he leaves - it's BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LIKE WHAT HE FINDS HERE & IN ME....
OH WELL- you can see where i am today- cleaning & trying to continue my organization & tidy for self (attempting an orderly mind by fixing surroundings (it's a good good thing) but finding it impossible due to other "demands" that come along- my mother's been rather constant lately.
now he's coming here tue - in time to mess up my plans (sheesh) and now his aunt in hospital (probably will be a reason for him to use to shove off coming here- idk - honestly- i jsut wish if he's going to "use it" he doesn't wait til lst minute and f up my plans further)
