GM I started realizing I haven't been happy either in years. I lost myself years ago. But I never ran away from my vows and commitments. I thought about it many times, but I always put on my big girl pants and sucked it up. If I ran every time I didn't feel "happy" in my marriage I would probably not have my kids.
I hope you get into your doctor soon. I put it off only because I thought if I got on anti-depressants H would use it against me. But my attorney and my counselor and my doctor assured me that wouldn't be the case. They told me it would only strengthen my case because I am taking responsibility for myself and trying to get help.
Take care of yourself. WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
That's good to know, WH. I also worried about meds being used against me. XH thinks I'm a great mom, but at one of my lowest points I called to ask for help with my youngest. He was struggling emotionally and being really difficult. I was overwhelmed and was in total despair. XH told me that if I didn't get it together he was going to take the boys and make sure I never saw them again. Then he hung up the phone. I can't begin to tell you how bad I felt that night. I honestly didn't know how I would emotionally survive at that point. XH was extremely cruel. What I didn't realize was that he was bluffing. He was angry because he wanted to have fun and I was interfering with that.
My appointment is on Friday. I am hopeful that I won't have to suffer anymore.
WH, I sure hope I have similar results. Feeling joyful is what I miss the most, even more than my M or xh.
Hi golfmom,
I was struggling emotionally just a yr ago, I was told I had PTSD. I had so many accidents and falls I was afraid to drive, when I bounced my head off of the basement stairs and my dog fainted from the thump it scared me straight.
I'm sorry to read your having a hard time, but you will get through this in spite of XH. It is hard to have sympathy for them, I agree, some here can, I'm not really one of them.
best DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Yep, PTSD. I had it as well. Tried the meds, but that was a disaster for me. I had one of those 1 in a 1,000 reactions that made things worse. Go figure.
Quote:
Feeling joyful is what I miss the most, even more than my M or xh.
And that is how I know you will be joyful again. I also know God didn't put any of us on this planet to be unhappy and have no peace or joy. He didn't put us here to be blamed by others nor to be judged by them. He gave us life and expects we'll use it to glorify Him. FUD (fear, uncertainty and doubt) is not something from God, GM. Those are things preventing us from joy and peace.
As you get further from this unpleasant time, I think you'll see that more and more. The danger is that your ex won't let you completely go and will try to prevent you from that joy and peace. I know in my case that's how it has been. But you and only you can make the choice to let him. Sounds smarmy and like it should be on a bumper sticker, but it's true. I've lived it and I see it more now than ever before. I also better understand the reason for forgiveness and why it is so important.
You will too. I can see it in your reasoning.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ditto re PTSD. AJ, I'm sorry you didn't get relief from meds. I'm sure hoping they help me, but I admit I'm feeling bad about needing them.
Xh's birthday is tomorrow. You all know by now that I'm a big believer in opening your heart and closing your mind. Our thoughts and experiences, especially bad ones, can sabatoge what we truly feel and want to express. My heart says send birthday wishes, but my head says not to. He won't appreciate it, will think it's a ploy (his word) or an act of pursuit. Then angry feelings got stirred up. He could care less about me, not only did he D me he chose to do it publically, in open court with a self-serving motion. He didn't care about my birthday. So, I had warm thoughts in my heart, but quickly squashed them with my mind. So, do I let my heart or ego guide me?
GM tough one on birthday wishes. I didn't for several years, and then started acknowledging xh's bday. He was actually pleased, and thanked me. Though not necessarily at the time
There appears to be some sort of disconnect, for many of them, about how they treat others and how they expect to be treated.
So unless your gut is saying NO loudly, I would send a brief and innocuous bday message. No 'Love from stuff' Just greetings from.
You may well have a long spell of little contact while he sorts himself out and works through his crisis, coming to realise that the divorce didn't make him happy either.
Time for these people flows at the speed of cold treacle.
Oh yes, and on depression mdes and PTSD. I resisted ADs then took them for about 3 months, which got me through a rough patch. My doctor gave me mild ones that are nonaddictive, and said i would know when to stop, but if I still needed them after a certain period to go back to her.
But finding joy is also part of the healing process, and not simply down to ADs, although for many they do help.
Bea, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I woke up this morning somewhere in the middle on the birthday wishes. It's unfortunate that our D was just finalized and xh chose to be a jerk knowing how difficult that was for me. I keep seeing the smirk on his face.
On the other hand, I can imagine that occasions like this are painful without his mom. Maybe he blocks it out, but I remember how she used to call him early in the morning on his birthday. She also sent very silly cards which he didn't always appreciate, but probably misses now.
I've opted to privately say a prayer for him and send him good thoughts by way of the universe. He needs to sit with the communication boundaries that I just set and contact me if and when he can respect me. Also, my feelings are still too raw over the D. I'm good with this decision.
