Today is his birthday. He actually called around 9am, upset that I hadn't wished him a happy birthday yet. I felt a little guilty...but come on, he's moved out of the house, filed for a divorce and spending his birthday with his friends, not me. I'm sorry but I didn't really think he WANTED to hear happy birthday from me. I got a little sad and told him I'm just stumbling through this, not sure what's appropriate. It's my first separation, ya know?! I expressed sadness about holidays and birthdays alone and that's when he told me he's still hopeful we can fix this...so at least he's still saying that, even if it does feel like lip service. Maybe I won't be forever alone on holidays.
We met for lunch (it was a kid swap, really) and it was pleasant enough...I did most of the chatting, as always. He just seems so...distant. I try not to take it personally. His brother has said the same thing about him recently.
He actually called me later in the day, after work, to chat. So, that's a tiny bit of progress. If I really look at the big picture and remind myself it's a marathon...we are making tiny positive improvements. When he first moved out I didn't hear from him for weeks, there were no I love yous and absolutely no talk of "I hope we can fix this". He was just DONE. So now he calls just about daily and does at least say he wants to fix it.
The coaching is great isn't it. It's so hard not to get too excited when things sound a little positive. It's good your keeping keeping marathon mind set. Must keep it off in the distance.
Keep it up, Damn proud of you. Hope you don't have any slips with the news, remember the big picture.
Thanks, I'm going to pull out my copy of DB and do some more reading tonight. I just read some success stories and feel more hopeful. It's a nice change from all the crying.
Saw H this morning briefly to exchange the kids in a parking lot. Can't believe this is what my life has come to. But, I refuse to go to his apartment...I feel it's the space he created to get away from me and I don't feel welcome there. He says that's not true but whatever.
He could always come to the house but the kids were driving me crazy so I was ready to get out of the house and not sit and wait for him.
I used my birthday gift card for a massage and facial after I dropped the kids off. Now I'm home, lonely and trying not to cry...but also packing my kids for camp so H and I can drive them there tomorrow and spend 5ish hours together, round trip. The longest in weeks. Hopefully it's somewhat positive and I don't spend my kid free week crying!
I don't know how so many of you do this for years. I guess that's the bright side of him already filing...6-12 months and it's over. frown
We're halfway through the 60 day waiting period. frown
What are you doing in the way of 180's, GAL and personal growth?
I do hear a couple of positive statements in there but I also read the above post and feel like your are missing the point of this..please don't, it is very important.
Your job is to do your best to lovingly detach from your H and move forward without knowing how things will turn out. When you focus on yourself, and your growth, your H may be intrigued enough to find out what is going on and you may be able to R your M. Right now, H is on his own path and you want to start creating a new one for yourself that may or may not (but hopefully will) involve him. Start to remember who you are, change the things your H has legitimate complaints about.
Your H filing for divorce does not mean things are over, only you giving up because he filed will guarantee that.
I know it is hard, however, it is imperative that you start DBing consistently.
We are all here for you..
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
He has no legitimate complaints. Every single time I ask him he tells me it's all him, not me. He won't tell me anything.
I have started going to church, running, going out with friends, going to divorce support groups.
I have done a pretty good job of detaching...I've stopped all emails, texts and phone calls. I've told him to take his space, he said he appreciates it. I do OK when I don't hear from him. I feel stronger and don't cry. But every interaction with him leaves me in tears and I don't know how to get past that. This is all still very raw and unexpected. And we have 3 kids so I have to interact with him...it just feels like another rejection every time he takes the kids and leaves me behind. Mostly I don't cry in front of him...but I'll admit this last week or so has been rough with him taking the kids overnight for the first time.
I know filing doesn't mean it's over...he says the same thing, all the time. I just mean that if he lets the divorce become final it's over for me. I will not remain in limbo after the divorce is finalized. I've got to start healing at some point. Limbo is leaving the wound wide open, just like my therapist says.
I've just read through your thread and I actually feel the same way lovethehub did.
Originally Posted By: lovethehub
What are you doing in the way of 180's, GAL and personal growth? I do hear a couple of positive statements in there but I also read the above post and feel like your are missing the point of this..please don't, it is very important.
I've seen at least 5-10 times on your thread this. "He gets grumpy if I don't" He was grumpy because you didn't wish him happy birthday first thing in the morning? And you actually sounded guilty for that. That to me you are still making yourself too available for him. He should feel sad that you didn't. He should really feel how it'd be like not having you around or wishing him happy birthday.
I didn't see anywhere how you had been in your m. Were there things you think you contributed to his leaving? Or do you think he left solely because he was confused about his life.
Also you said your in laws live next door and watch you if I read it correctly?!? Why are you allowing that?
PS I just saw your new thread but its the best here if you keep your switch on one thread and create another when the existing thread is full so its easier for people to keep following and remembering your story Or link this thread to your new thread.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
He admitted to an EA today, with the woman named in the email I received yesterday from an anonymous person.
Obviously I've suspected this for some time.
It still hurts to realize all these months of him being completely disconnected from me and the kids and telling me he had nothing left to give...it's because he was giving it to her.
I have no details of when, how long, how involved, still going on, etc... And obviously I fear there may be a physical confession next...
But the positive in this is he has agreed to start couples counseling. So, we'll see what happens.
