Well, you all probably know how this ended up. I started off GREAT. Kept all of my focus on daughter and her needs. We discussed being better mutal coparents....Then, the relationship conversation started. It was so stupid of me to indulge in it, but once it got started I poured my heart out. Actually, I feel good about it. I want her to know how I feel, regardless of wether she is reciprocative or not. Just for the record, she is not. She has no desire what so ever to allow our relationship to rekindle. Trust me, I aksed...and asked...and asked. I guess it is what it is. To be honest, I think it may have given me a little more clarity, a little more closure. I KNOW I need to move on and just drop the rope. I need to let her go and not look back. She is gone...gone GONE.
I expressed to her why I am holding on and why it has been so difficult for me to let go. I told her I had unconditional love for her and would support her, regardless of where we end up. I let her know that I would continue holding on, and I would always cherish her. This is pretty bad stuff to be admitting on DB, but I had to get it off my chest and let her know how I truly felt, why I can't let go yet. She accepted it, cried a little and made it clear that her heart was no longer available to me. She has closed shop and moved on. It stung a little, but not as bad as I would have expected. It's more frusturating than anything. I don't get why she is unwilling to make any effort to try again. I just don't.
There was some conversation about settlements and divorce. I expressed to her that I don't want either, and therefore I am not going to pursue either. I will not facilitate her in that regard, but I told her I would not stand in her way if she chose to carry it through. Not much else was said about that.
There was some crying, some emotion...mostly from guilt I assume. There is obviously still some feeling there, just not romantic feeling. Wife feels that we never had, nor could we have in the future a fun loving relationship. She said we alsways had to have a 3rd party or another couple involved in all of our activities, which is true. I didn't know how to repsond to that. She also said that she doesn't want to take a chance on trying again, only to get hurt, which I understand. But, I also said that we would be taking a similar risk with ANY relationship we persued.....the rest is bla bla bla....You all know the punch lines
So, here I am wondering how I move forward, how I find happiness. What I have been doing so far isn't working, obviously. I just can't get there. I can't take my focus off of my wife and my marriage....HOW do I do that?...It's killing me.
