No more games- suckerpunch

[swoop]

I am not so sure if I am doing the right thing. I have been trying to follow DBing, but what if it's wrong? What if all I am doing is completely wrong, and I should be sharing my feelings with her more? <===== THAT is what I keep focusing on. In reality, I think DBing is the proper way to handle this, but I don't know for certain. It's just frusturating.

I will try to keep my focus on daughters issues, stay upbeat and avoid conflict at all costs. I think I may bridge into collecting her belongings, but I feel that might be pressure....thoughts?

[PatientMan]

Those DB guns you have in your holster? Stick to those for now. Don't let your injured heart rationalize something your brain is telling you not to do.

-PM

[LBH_LC]

I am not so sure if I am doing the right thing. I have been trying to follow DBing, but what if it's wrong? What if all I am doing is completely wrong, and I should be sharing my feelings with her more? <===== THAT is what I keep focusing on. In reality, I think DBing is the proper way to handle this, but I don't know for certain. It's just frusturating.

I can emphasize. I have the same worries. I neglected her needs during our marriage and was distant, how can doing the same be right now? Well, in my case, I no longer have a choice, but I believe that being a simpering baby would not have helped my cause. Still, I wonder, what if instead of honoring her wish for space early one, what if I had made some grand gesture instead? I believe that stuff only works in the movies. In the real world, showing up on somebody's doorstep with Peter Gabriel blaring on the boombox is only going to get the cops called on you.

Have faith in the process.

[swoop]

Well, you all probably know how this ended up. I started off GREAT. Kept all of my focus on daughter and her needs. We discussed being better mutal coparents....Then, the relationship conversation started. It was so stupid of me to indulge in it, but once it got started I poured my heart out. Actually, I feel good about it. I want her to know how I feel, regardless of wether she is reciprocative or not. Just for the record, she is not. She has no desire what so ever to allow our relationship to rekindle. Trust me, I aksed...and asked...and asked. I guess it is what it is. To be honest, I think it may have given me a little more clarity, a little more closure. I KNOW I need to move on and just drop the rope. I need to let her go and not look back. She is gone...gone GONE.

I expressed to her why I am holding on and why it has been so difficult for me to let go. I told her I had unconditional love for her and would support her, regardless of where we end up. I let her know that I would continue holding on, and I would always cherish her. This is pretty bad stuff to be admitting on DB, but I had to get it off my chest and let her know how I truly felt, why I can't let go yet. She accepted it, cried a little and made it clear that her heart was no longer available to me. She has closed shop and moved on. It stung a little, but not as bad as I would have expected. It's more frusturating than anything. I don't get why she is unwilling to make any effort to try again. I just don't.

There was some conversation about settlements and divorce. I expressed to her that I don't want either, and therefore I am not going to pursue either. I will not facilitate her in that regard, but I told her I would not stand in her way if she chose to carry it through. Not much else was said about that.

There was some crying, some emotion...mostly from guilt I assume. There is obviously still some feeling there, just not romantic feeling. Wife feels that we never had, nor could we have in the future a fun loving relationship. She said we alsways had to have a 3rd party or another couple involved in all of our activities, which is true. I didn't know how to repsond to that. She also said that she doesn't want to take a chance on trying again, only to get hurt, which I understand. But, I also said that we would be taking a similar risk with ANY relationship we persued.....the rest is bla bla bla....You all know the punch lines

So, here I am wondering how I move forward, how I find happiness. What I have been doing so far isn't working, obviously. I just can't get there. I can't take my focus off of my wife and my marriage....HOW do I do that?...It's killing me.

[PatientMan]

What are you doing to GAL?

-PM

[MrCAS]

In the real world, showing up on somebody's doorstep with Peter Gabriel blaring on the boombox is only going to get the cops called on you.

Yeah... Ain't that the truth.

[swoop]

I am really struggling with getting a life. I am spending as much time with friends and family as I can, but I am not getting out of my old circles very much. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I am looking in the wrong places, or if I am just too picky about the people I socialize with. Perhaps that is the cause of some of my issues. Today, I feel almost as down as I did on BD. I am just IN the DUMPS!

I realize I need to GAL and start building my own future, but I just can't seem to get it together. Even when I am doing fun activities, I always have wife in the back of my mind. It's not healthy, but I don't know how to stop the cycle.

I was just out visiting with friends at a local bar. I know, probably not the best place to be right now, but I only had 2 beer. I was there more so for the companionship. But, here I am back at home, alone, and depressed as all get out....this is my life today.

[swoop]

Getting full, so please follow me here new thread

[labug]

Moving (on) *forward* means being a whole independent person having a fulfilling life with or without your W. Making plans, being interesting,

I am independant, have been for 8 months, longer really, if you consider the time leading up to BD. I can take care of myself and make it through any obstacle I encounter, with the exception of getting over losing my W. I think my co-dependancy is minimal if any, at this point. I am making plans. I am doing a lot of activity, probably more today than in the past few years. I have never NOT been interesting. I am borderline on being the Dos XX's guy....haha

I am "fullfilled" in my life as a father, as a business owner, as a friend. I am fullfilled with the relationships I have and the things that I do, with one exception. I simply miss having someone to share it with, namely my wife. But perhaps I am only holding on to W, because I don't know anyone different. Maybe I have tunnel vision? I just don't know.

knowing people who don't know you as that poor guy who got sc@wed over by his W or some other variant of that.

I am lacking in this aspect. EVERYONE I know more than likely sees me this way, but at the same time I am not willing to replace my network of friends and family. I don't know how to change this. I don't know if it will ever change. I don't know if it really matters.

If you would consider dating (a) because your friends tell you constantly and you don't stand up to them for what you feel and need or (b) to "help you heal" or (c) while you are totally against it or (d) for any reason whatsoever connected to your previous relationship, don't do it. Those are terrible reasons to date. It seems like you know you're not ready and you question your own judgment on that, why?

I wouldn't date for ANY of those reasons. I do however find myself wanting someone to share time with, more and more every day. I am starting to have those idol thoughts about, " might be nice to date". I think my friends are seeing or feeling this too, and that is why they mention it. Perhaps I am at that point. I don't know. When do you know it's the right time? Do the romantic feelings for my wife need to be gone? I don't think that is every going to happen soon, probably ever, but at the same time I don't want to live my life alone. So, when does a person know when it's time to start jumping back in to the dating pool?

It sounds like you need to spend more time getting to know who you are irregardless of and independent of W, as long as it takes.

Hang in there...

I hear this kind of introspective advice a lot, and it gets lost on me. I am not sure if I am just not that in touch with my feelings and emotions, or if I am just a "man's man" or why. But, I don't get it. I feel that I already know who I am. I already know where I am going. I have zero plans to change my life completely in regards to where I live, how I work, who I socialize with. What is left to find? What sort of things am I supposed to be looking for? What kind of insight to my self do I need to find? If it has anything to do with self improvement, I get that. I am all in. I want to be a better person, better father, better spouse. I still need to work on it, but that is one thing I have FOUND. I would like some more input on this. I fear that maybe I am missing a large piece of introspect that I just don't get.

Just wanted to bring this to the fore.

[labug]

I have never NOT been interesting. I am borderline on being the Dos XX's guy....

So what makes you interesting? Really, tell us. Maybe that will help you figure out thing to do more of or less of. May jog some things you haven't thought of.