Here's the thing. For months all you could think about was getting your wife back. You werent thinking about what it would entail, how she's changed, how you've changed and what you would need to do in order for it to work.
And now that you are piecing, all of that has to be dealt with. They dont say piecing is the hard part for nothing.
You are both different people, C. SO there are going to be growing pains. You both need to learn how to deal with each other in new ways. Which is a good thing. You dont want the same marriage, right?
I am not so sure it was a bad thing for you to say you werent sure if this is what you wanted. I think there was an element of truth in there. And saying you werent sure was being honest. So dont be too hard on yourself in that instance.
But, yes, I have seen where your words and tone could be hurtful. And now I am just being honest. That is something you need to continue to work on.
I think you do that as a defense mechanism. It happens when you are feeling challenged by the trust issues.
I think it is best for you to acknowledge to yourself that you have trouble trusting her. It is going to take time and consistent behavior on her part to earn your trust.
But it is going to take time and consistent behavior on your part for her to believe the changes are real from you.
So, it is important for you to take great care when you use your words.
This is a two way street, C. Takes effort on both sides.
The most important thing is that you have both acknowledged that you want to work on this.
This is a long process, C.
My advice is the same it's been all along. Slow and steady.
Thanks Urworthy! That's exactly what I said in MC session about putting a guard up. I am afraid to get hurt again and the trust isn't there yet so I say those things. W understood it more after we discussed it in there. Counseling is so important. One of the things she has us do is look at each other when we are hurt and tell the other why we are hurt and what we are feeling. It makes a difference. MC says this is a cycle right now where I am at different level then wife in this marriage. Makes a lot of sense. We spent all afternoon and tonight together and it was great jut being us and not focusing on changes. Just accepting her right now. MC was right, so far I feel like a weight has been lifted. We are going to atlanta for a few days this weekend. We will be in same hotel room, same bed for first time since end of November. Should be interesting;)
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
c? has she mentioned moving back home? what happened to your home?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I am living in an apartment. She and son are living at her moms. The house is under contract and being sold. She owns the house outright. We are traveling to Atlanta to look at schools and apartments together his weekend and plan on moving by aug 1st if possible. So definitely moving forward together
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
WOW... what seemed to drag on forever seems all so fast now huh?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yeah. I wasn't excited about the move so quickly, but the more we have talked to MC the better I have felt about it.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
W and I leaving for Atlanta tomorrow morning. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because it could be a fresh start in a new place for both of us. I have a great business opportunity there for sure. I lived in north atlanta for 12 years and went to high school there and loved living there. We could leave a lot of family drama behind us. This would be big!
I am nervous because we will be in a car together for 8 hours. Lol We haven't established a firm foundation in our mariage OM lives about an hour away from where we are looking at apartments. I am nervous about this weekend in general, this will be the first time we have slept in the same bed since the end of November. Actually I am mind reading. Lol Who knows she might book double beds when we get there
Overall though I definitely want to move. The pros far outweigh the cons. So we are looking at schools, apartments, stables and churches this weekend. We shall see. The best part is, we are doing it together
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
W and I leaving for Atlanta tomorrow morning. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because it could be a fresh start in a new place for both of us. I have a great business opportunity there for sure. I lived in north atlanta for 12 years and went to high school there and loved living there. We could leave a lot of family drama behind us. This would be big!
All good stuff up there, C ^^^^!
I am nervous because we will be in a car together for 8 hours. Lol Turn that around, C. Put on some tunes, and enjoy the ride.
We haven't established a firm foundation in our mariage.
Yea, I can see where you might be nervous about that. .
OM lives about an hour away from where we are looking at apartments.
Dont get ahead of yourself here, C.
I am nervous about this weekend in general, this will be the first time we have slept in the same bed since the end of November. Actually I am mind reading. Lol
Ah, mindreading - it happens to the best of us. Best not to do it.
Who knows she might book double beds when we get there
Yea, no expectations, right?
Overall though I definitely want to move. The pros far outweigh the cons. So we are looking at schools, apartments, stables and churches this weekend. We shall see. The best part is, we are doing it together
Take it one step at a time, my friend. Sounds like it could be a real good thing for you both.
Follow your gut, though. Be honest. Think positive. Show her your awesome new self. And remember to count to ten if you are thinking of saying something you shouldnt.
I wont be sitting on your shoulder this weekend, just in case you are in the same bed.
But I will be saying a prayer for you that it goes well and the answers come easily for you.
Ok Urworthy! We cuddled last night in a king bed. Which she booked:) Lol The drive went very well for the most part
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
