New and need encouragement

[chasingpavements]

Hi there, such a hard situation having to deal with all of this uncertainty. I feel your pain, as my H and I are also on a temporary separation. It is hard to balance. You want to try so hard to be friendly and nice, but not too close, etc. It's all so contradictory! Hang in there and work on doing nice things for yourself! It sounds like you have a great, well-rounded child, you have obviously raised him well.

Hopefully you can find someone that you can talk to about your relationship that is pro-marriage, as it is not productive for you to hear the negative comments. And of course, you always have us on the forum!

[Not Quitting]

Thanks for your thoughts Demoted. Strange how it takes an anonymous forum to get real support.

My MIL hasn't heard my side of things - she's in the UK so I don't see her and phone calls tend to be restricted to birthdays, Mother's Day (different date in UK than North America) and Christmas. She used to say she thought of me as a daughter. H said she liked me which is something he couldn't say about XW1 & XW2 - she didn't like either of them.

Saw H tonight unexpectedly. He doesn't drive and was waiting for his bus home when I drove past. As it was raining I decided to play nice and offer him a ride. Dropped him off at the place he's staying. Talked about weather and S13. I did ask how he's doing - probably wrong - but he willingly answered. Said some days up, some down. I just acknowledged, offered no opinion. It was his decision to leave after all. He definitely isn't happy - I know him well enough to pick that up. Felt a bit emotional after he got out of the car - at least I waited til he'd gone to shed a few tears.

The people he's staying with are like surrogate parents to him and they want him to fix it or at least try harder. He's not allowed to have friends over so he won't be seeing OW at their place and they've told me they'll try and give him their marital wisdom. They only accepted their D's divorce because it was an abusive relationship. They helped their S solve his marriage problems so hopefully H will listen to them.

If he's not careful he's gonna lose his old friends, the ones who have tried to talk to him. I've only met a few of his new friends and they're not much older than my stepsons. They only know the new him. As for my friends, I've told them now that I will only discuss my marriage with them if I want to. If they try to bring it up I quickly change the subject or find an excuse to leave. So far it's working fairly well - they now only ask if I'm doing ok.

[Not Quitting]

Hi there, such a hard situation having to deal with all of this uncertainty. I feel your pain, as my H and I are also on a temporary separation. It is hard to balance. You want to try so hard to be friendly and nice, but not too close, etc. It's all so contradictory! Hang in there and work on doing nice things for yourself! It sounds like you have a great, well-rounded child, you have obviously raised him well.

Hopefully you can find someone that you can talk to about your relationship that is pro-marriage, as it is not productive for you to hear the negative comments. And of course, you always have us on the forum!

Thanks for your thoughts Highway. Finding this forum and MWD's books is probably the best thing I've done lately.

My son does me proud. I guess I got that right as well. He seems to be coping pretty well with things even if he does get a bit clingy now and then. But who doesn't love cuddling with their kid!

[Demoted26]

Be glad he'll still cuddle!! Soak it up.
Mine hug me now & again...they are both great kids, we just weren't very demonstrative with PDAs.

I'm glad I found you here...we seem to have very similar, but different situations. Feel free to PM me anytime. I have no one outside the forums to discuss this with, so I only get emotional relief posting, crying in bed, or crying in the shower....our maybe laying awake in bed worrying at night.

Rest of the time I TRY very hard to look as if everything is just fiiiine.
Sounds like you are in the same boat.

BTW, sounds like your hubby is in the PERFECT place to at least have to put a little thought into this whole deal.
Nice of you to give him a ride, too.
Funny, how it goes, in a sad way. Must be surreal dropping him off elsewhere as"home". *sigh*

[Not Quitting]

BTW, sounds like your hubby is in the PERFECT place to at least have to put a little thought into this whole deal.
Nice of you to give him a ride, too.
Funny, how it goes, in a sad way. Must be surreal dropping him off elsewhere as"home". *sigh*

I'm certainly hoping so. And oh boy did it hurt to drop him off, say "see you" and drive off like I was dropping off a co-worker, not my H. Surreal is certainly one way of describing it.

Funny thing is as I was driving him there, his landlady/surrogate mother, however he wants to refer to her, called him to find out if he was on his way. Checking up on him maybe?? He did tell her that I had picked him up and was dropping him off at the building within 5 minutes. Not sure how long he'll take that - last time he went back to the UK he wouldn't stay with his mother because she wanted to set a curfew on him. Maybe that'll drive him back my way as that's something I never did. I only ever asked if he'd be home in time for dinner, and that was before BD and DBing.

[Not Quitting]

Haven't been posting for a while - computer issues.

H stopped by last night on his way to a buddy's, mainly to pick up some mail that's still being delivered here. S13 was glad to see him, but didn't run into his arms like he did on the 1st visit - guess he's getting too used to his dad not being around. .

H was a more talkative than he has been lately, and the only time he even looked at his cell phone was to text his buddy to make sure he had arrived home so he could head round there. That's very unusual for him as recently he's normally texting back and forth to two or three different people. He also showed a lot more common sense than he has been. He's been cycling to and from work since he moved out (doesn't drive) but as he was going to be drinking last night he took the bus. A few months ago that wouldn't have stopped him - he'd have still cycled. Is the fog starting to lift a bit? Not reading anything into though - still a long way to go before that happens.

H gave S13 some cash - he's off to sleep-away camp next week and needs to take "pocket money" with him. I had asked if H would be willing and/or able to put in some cash but he hadn't answered, so I wasn't actually expecting him to put in anything. It's going to be hard next week when S13 is away, but I guess it'll be a good time to do some GAL activities. Money is still very tight but I'm sure I can find something to do. Not sure what yet as all my friends are married, I've never been much of a socializer (don't mix and mingle well, and never have - sisters were surprised when I got married because it meant that I'd actually had to talk to someone for more than a couple of minutes LOL) and the thought of going to a bar/club just doesn't appeal (one of the issues my H has developed with me lately although he knew that when we got married).

I'm finding that I'm a lot less emotional even after H leaves. When he first moved out it was all I could do not to burst into tears around him, and I definitely did after seeing him for any reason. It's only been two weeks, but I certainly feel more relaxed both when apart from him and when I'm around him. And last night when he left, although that empty feeling was still there, I didn't feel any need to cry. Guess that means I'm finally getting this detaching part down.

[Not Quitting]

So the financial discussions have been done - we had our first credit counselling meeting this morning. H agreed to their debt solution plan so the joint debt can be reduced and paid off without using all our income. He even agreed to his own personal credit card being included - probably not much choice as the only other option would be for me to declare banko, which would leave him solely responsible for everything and he'd have to go banko as well. At least this way we still pay something towards the debt, our credit is cleared quicker and both will be better off financially as a result.

I have to admit that as much as it hurt to admit that I can't cope financially, either with him or without him, it is a major weight of my shoulders. It's hard to ask for that kind of help.

H was surprisingly friendly and cooperative during the whole process, to the point of saying that he wanted to do the whole thing jointly, not independently, because no matter what we're still family. After the meeting, he even gave me a hug and held me for a few minutes instead of pulling away quickly. I didn't make the first move - he did. His parting comment was "remember, we're not over yet, so don't count us out". That was a first for him as well.

This sudden turnaround is a bit confusing, but I figure it's just another stage he's going through. Until he actually says he wants to stay married, work on our marriage together and that there is no longer an OW in the picture, I'm not counting on anything from him.

On the other hand, S13 and I had a great time last night at the local pool. S13 even tried out the hot tub for the first time and enjoyed it. It was a great feeling when he commented on it being a great mom and son bonding time. He seems to be adapting rather well to this whole thing, which I'm pleased about. Both H and I have done our best to reassure him that none of this is because of him and that no matter what happens between us, we will both still always love him.

[Not Quitting]

Now the confusion is really setting in. Yesterday morning it was hugs and cooperation. Last night he sent a text asking if I'd care to join him for a drink. I did, but only after making sure S13 was settled in bed, so I made H wait until I was ready to join him, not running straight out the door the minute he asked. He insisted on paying for the drinks as well. We chatted, nothing about the relationship, just about work, S13, general things. He asked if I would wait at his bus stop with him so we could carry on talking, after he made me promised to call him from the landline when I got home so he knew I was safe.

The confusing part is while waiting for his bus, he asked if it came down to worst case scenario and the split becomes permanent is it possible to fast track a divorce. WTF?? Talk about a roller coaster ride.

I did say it probably couldn't be done because we haven't even notifed the tax people yet of the marital status change - he asked why they need to know so I reminded him that we have to but not until after 90 consecutive days as it affects child benefit. I also reminded him that he is still covered as "spouse" on my company benefits. He asked why that was important - answer because it could be used as proof of when separation actually started - means he couldn't backdate the separation in order to "fast track" a divorce. I also reminded him that he has said that he wants uncontested due to irreconcilable difference so it requires 12 months before D can be finalized. The only way it would be granted right away is for adultery or abuse. He said he doesn't want go that route and he wants to keep things amicable. I also pointed out that neither of us can currently afford the court costs, even with keeping it friendly and not using lawyers.

My question to him was "what's in it for me to do that anyway when it's not something I want" - maybe a mistake??

His parting words were "Don't read anything into the question, we're not done yet. Me holding you like I did this morning should have told you that."

And I did call him to let him know I got home safely, and he also texted me when he got to his place, not that I had asked him to (boy, that really feels strange saying that).

[Not Quitting]

Vet (or any advice) really needed!!!

H invited me out to dinner last night. We had a nice meal, chatting about work and S13. After dinner, he suggested we drop my car at home and walk to a local bar so I could have a couple of drinks with him since I wouldn't drink with dinner. We spent a mostly enjoyable evening.

He did a lot of initiating - held my hand for a while, gave me a hug and held me close for a few minutes, good night kiss when he dropped me off home and a talk about our marriage.

This last one is where the problem started. Not even sure if any of the vets would be able to help with this one; I checked table of contents in DR and couldn't see a section that would cover it. H says he doesn't want to walk away from 16 years of history but that he is very close to doing it, and it all comes down to one major problem. Now we both agree that this is a problem but I'm not sure how to solve it without causing other problems.

The main obstacle right now to saving my marriage is the fact that we have been living with my father. We moved in with him when we first moved to Canada (we met and married in the UK). Things didn't go according to plan and anytime we came close to being in a position to get our own place something happened and we couldn't do it. Up until the end of 2012 he was only there 1 or 2 days a week. He had a long term partner in another city and he stayed with her most of the time. She passed away in mid-December so at the end of December he moved back to his house full-time - fairly close to BD in fact.

So I guess it comes down to chosing between my husband and my father, but how do I do that without alienating my father, and possibly 2 sisters as well. I completely agree with H's assessment of things - we have no privacy, we have to listen to my dad complaining about finances, we have to put up with his grieving (not openly crying, but definitely affecting is life and PMA). However, without my dad giving us a roof over our heads years ago I really don't know where we'd be - in a shelter somewhere probably or definitely worse off financially.

I desperately want to save my marriage. I love my husband deeply and will do anything to save the marriage. The question I've got is how do I deal with this seemingly insurmountable obstacle to our marriage. If I was 100% certain that H would stay in the marriage and work on fixing our other problem (we stopped communicating properly with each other), I would take the chance on renting somewhere, but without his salary I doubt I could afford it. We've just had to enter a debt settlement program to deal with our bank loan and credit cards.

Does anyone here have any advice on this sitch???

[labug]

If you agree, why is it insurmountable?

When you marry you start your own family, that's the priority.

Isn't it?