What the...?

[lovethehub]

Thanks KD, thought about this all day. I think the biggest difference is my reactions. Will it be enough? I don't know but I will keep working on it.

The conversation I posted the other day when he first said he was upset was a lot different than it would have been 4 months ago. Back then, I would have been defensive, I would have said things like "Are you kidding me?" "this is never going to end is it?" "I'm tired of your accusations" etc.

For me to remain calm, apologize without justifying and calmly ask if I was doing anything else that made him question me is completely different than the past. Remaining quiet the rest of the night and "letting him be" is also different - in the past I would have made snide comments to him or bugged him about letting it go, etc.

I also took Monday to think about my feelings and while posting to someone on here gave myself perspective on how H felt.

Tuesday morning I asked him to have coffee together and we sat outside and talked. He was a little aggravated at times, kept focusing in on the one act of me minimizing the screen but I remained very calm. I asked him to please address issues right away in the future and when he kept bringing it up I calmly said "I understand why you are upset and why you doubt me, however, I have apologized for bringing up feelings from the past and for making a poor choice, there is nothing else I can do right now to change how you feel except learn from my mistake and not do it again. I didn't minimize the site today when you came down and that was because I learned from yesterday"

He told me he can see the changes in me but is afraid they won't last (wow, how many times have I read that in other threads??!!) so I told him I understood why he felt that way and only time would tell.

It was calm and there were tears from me but it was a good conversation. I brought up a couple of issues that were bugging me that, in the past, I would have argued about and felt that we discussed them well.

I said that I wanted to be able to talk about upsetting things without having to worry that it would affect us for days like in the past and that I didn't want him holding things in, he agreed he felt the same way.

I also said that I wanted him to understand that as scared as he was that I would be with OM again was probably as scared as I was that he would leave again. I said I have felt for years that we keep waiting for the other to fully commit before fully committing ourselves and that this time I had decided I was going to be 100% in regardless of what he did. I explained that didn't mean I didn't have any fear around it but that I was choosing to let it go as best I could and give it my all.

The best part about all of this is that, until DB, this would have been an argument, not a conversation. When H tried to turn it into an argument, I was able to remain calm and keep focused without fighting. Also, when we walked back into the house after talking, I looked at him, smiled and said "Good Morning Honey" and then gave him a kiss like I have every morning for the last month or so. We had a great day and it didn't ruin anything.

Is the change in communication enough or do I need to work on more? (Besides the major way I have changed with my kids??!!)