Trying not to lose my way in the ultramarathon

[adinva]

It kind of sounds like he's looking to be close with you by affirming your way of doing things and by expressing his disapproval to you of his mom's way of doing things, knowing that you agree even if you're not saying anything, probably guessing that you approve of his values because they match your own. It's a fine line to walk between being someone he can tell anything and being someone to whom some things are inappropriate to spend much time talking about.

I guess if I'm telling you anything I'd do different it would be to do less data collection and if it seems like a favored topic maybe try to appear less interested in mom's personal life. Anyway, I sometimes think as I'm writing to other people, what is it I should be learning from this...and I think for me I could be doing a better job myself of being less judgmental of my H, who is not up for father of the year award in my book. I am 100% there, 100% committed, I'm trying so hard to really be there for my kids, and really fretting for their wellbeing, in stark difference to my H. My feeling self-righteous is not good for me or my kids; maybe I need to relax my judgment on my H. So I might be talking to me more than you here. Something to go ponder.

The other thing, curious but not trying to provide advice I guess. I do not tell my kids their dad loves them. I did only on the night we told them he was moving out, because I felt like it was so important for them to hear that we both loved them, but that was the very last time I spoke for him on that topic. I don't know how he feels. The kids know how he acts regardless of what I might tell them about how he feels. What they believe and feel from him is between him and them. So I have not said it again. I don't know if that's a mistake. I don't want to look like a liar, and I don't want to be in charge of explaining and speaking for H anymore. FWIW. I thought it was interesting the way you worded "I believe that she does" I don't know if I was reading into it based on my sitch, that's not a wording that sounds like you're that sure. That's a wording that would seem to go with "in spite of all evidence to the contrary..."

I would say son if something's really bothering you I'll try to help guide you, but sometimes we're bordering on gossiping about what mom's up to, and that's not my business to know about now except where you need help dealing.

I'm just throwing that out as a practice. My kids don't talk to me nearly as much as your son does with you, and they're definitely not in any way trying to bond with my by talking down about their dad's activities. He comes up so rarely in conversation in any way, today my son mentioned shopping with dad for a present for dad's friend whose father died and I had to really work for a minute to figure out who he was even talking about. I caught up, but it struck me how weird it is when I get an occasional report that there's life and activity happening in H-land. So different from your sitch.

Just that, what I've read is the very best for the kid is to think mom is ok and dad is ok.