Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[adinva]

Hi there! First of all I agree and would not and have not let S15 be alone in the house overnight. I got him lined up with another family for the night at around dinnertime. So the sleepytime hours were covered!

I agree that my sister was a little crazy to suggest her daughter move in ("as a free live in maid" - ha! just what I need I have two of those already and they don't do cr*p but make more work for me lololol!) I really do wish I could help. The former me would have found some way to be a hero but the new me is just mom to two real sons that need me.

So, for all the 15 year olds here in DB land, you take a water bottle, burn a hole in the bottom, insert a pipe make of oh anything tubelike such as a sawed off sharpie. Drill a hole in the plastic cap and glue in a ratchet. I'm not a partaker myself so I really don't know how well these work, but I've found them in various stages of assembly and covered in residue so they must work somehow. I have told S15 to earn my trust he needs to have no things I might suspect could be used or made into this equipment, so he has all kinds of weird things he's on notice about: tin foil, tools of all kinds, pocketknives, lighters, anything sawed up or broken, on and on. The most impressive bong was made of a lightbulb and came with its own carrying case (formerly a paintball cannister) with room for supplies and a cleaning cloth. It almost hurt to destroy that one because it was a work of some ingenuity. Wish they'd put their powers toward good. I'm laughing too because we don't buy soda because the teenagers say it's unhealthy, so we don't have any cans lying around for them to use! roflmao. or as our buddy would say, roamlafo.

Anyway, people did used to tell me to stop talking about H so much here. I guess I'm doing that. I feel like I'm talking too much about my other stuff, but it's life!

Another thing that's different about me than before, is I used to be really bad with emotions. Just thinking about crying I would cry; trying not to cry made me cry more. It would make it really difficult to have a conversation with the boys and not mess up their heads. I think I'm better now that I work through my emotions a lot more openly. At least now I'm not crying at commercials without even realizing it's because I was neglected in my childhood! So I doubt my ability but I think I need to push through and test it.

I think there are two things. Talking about my feelings as a way to make it more ok for S's to someday think of talking about their feelings. To let them know feelings matter. That they're painful sometimes but less so when they're acknowledged. I suppose I can try to do that. The other thing is talking about our sitch, so they don't have to fill in the gaps themselves and live in uncertainty. I should tell them that I had a year and a half to deal with this, that we did some things to try to fix it, that at this time we are figuring out money stuff. I don't know that divorce is a trajectory if nothing's been filed yet and there's no timeline or goal for it yet. I could honestly say that unless there's reason to believe that we could make a better marriage and family for them, that divorce is going to be likely. I can say with certainty that we're not going back to people yelling and being criticized all the time. Well, maybe I shouldn't say that because it sounds like I'm criticizing h. I wish I could tell my kids that things are better now and they're going to get even better as we heal whether that is as an intact family or as a two house family. I wish they could believe that.

I do think the complete lack of filling the kids in on anything, ie on the lack of movement, is me taking the easy way possibly to their detriment. Possibly the limbo and not knowing is harder on them than what is for me the relentless mundanity of no-news, nothing's changed, still in limbo. At least I have some degree of awareness and control over that sitch and they sit in the dark with no control. I could maybe mention now and then that nothing has changed?

Duh, this stuff reduces me to a blatherer.