Like a few others I also think you have to start fighting back for respect. That was complete BS on her part. Glad you said something to her, try to ignore her reaction to what you said. Gotta have respect, especially in front of kids, just as you have to show her respect (which I think you do). Kids see and pick up on everything!!!
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
If it hurt to see the photo albums in the trash I guess i am not fully detached..
Doesn't mean anything about being detached, it means you're human. Look, you're going to have feelings about this and it's normal and it's fine. Being detached is more a state of mind rather than a place of not feeling. It's doing what you want in your life and not worrying about what someone else will think and vice versa. It's about her reaction to something not affecting you because you did whatever for your own reasons. Someone throwing away irreplaceable photos is horse$hit. I'd be more worried if that didn't hurt you...
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
When will it become easier!
It gets easier with time. Also gets easier when you take back your life and live it how you want. Gotta change your mindset. Rather then all the negative BS that goes with D, try to look at the positives. Dwelling on the negative stuff will just get you stuck and we all have to move forward a little bit each day. When you start looking for the positives you'll notice you start appreciating the little things. It will get better
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Weird that if she asked me to come back to her I probably would....
Why? I don't want the obvious answer that you're lonely or you miss the kids because I know (and live) that.
I want to know why you would go back now? Has she done any work to make you think things would work out better this time? What changes have been made?
Through my journey I've met and talked with a few people that got back in without work being done and it usually hasn't ended well. I think the WAS (and the LBS) have to have a real desire to change themselves and both have to put a lot of work in for the second try to work. Not saying it doesn't happen or that it won't happen in your stich, I just haven't seen it from your W yet.
What are you doing to keep yourself busy?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Weird that if she asked me to come back to her I probably would....
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Why? I don't want the obvious answer that you're lonely or you miss the kids because I know (and live) that.
I would go back because I chose to marry this woman and believe it could work if we both made an effort. As of now she is not. I am realizing I am co depended on her. For 10 years she was there for me with the good and bad times. Still remembering the good times i guess.
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I want to know why you would go back now? Has she done any work to make you think things would work out better this time? What changes have been made?
I would go back because it is what is best for the children. She has done no work to improve herself or show any interest that she wants to reconcile. She is also pretty.
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What are you doing to keep yourself busy?
I work 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Drive 1 hour 4 times a week to see the boys.
I jog/walk the dog for an hour most days. I go on my dirt bike every second weekend.
It feels that I am so busy with work and seeing the boys that Im have a hard time starting new GAL activities and meeting new people. Something I need to work on. Finances are limited too as i would like to take a cooking class, photography class, swimming lessons and a Karate class.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Wow, a lot of similar interests. Also a lot of similarities in how I responded to similar questions. The 'she is also pretty' comment made me LOL. Some of your interests can be done on the cheap. Photography, just pack a bag and go for a hike. In my area they also have some nature walks for $5-10 where group of people go out with someone. Good way to meet new people. I miss my bikes and quads, boys are all up north this weekend.
Since you brought up the co-dependent side I'll go there first, also because I used to be a card carrying member of the club. Have you read Co-Dependent No More? If not I recommend it, helped me process some stuff. What are you doing to break this dependency?
One thing one of the women from here told me early on was that women don't find dependent men that sexy. They want confidence and self assured men.
I get exactly where you're at. I understand taking your vow seriously and wanting what's best for kids, I also hear you saying at this time your W doesn't share your view and I feel your frustration. Until you say screw it and take real control of your life your frustration is only going to build. I pray that your W will have that moment of clarity but the reality is she's on a different path. I'm not trying to discourage you or telling you to lose any hope (I still have hope and I'm D'd), I just see there is so much more for you. And that stuff I see may just get your W's interest...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Wow, a lot of similar interests. Also a lot of similarities in how I responded to similar questions. The 'she is also pretty' comment made me LOL. Some of your interests can be done on the cheap. Photography, just pack a bag and go for a hike. In my area they also have some nature walks for $5-10 where group of people go out with someone. Good way to meet new people. I miss my bikes and quads, boys are all up north this weekend.
Right on! I just got back from a 3 day backcountry run to Quebec and it felt great to get out with my buddies. Lots of time to think behind the helmet..
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Since you brought up the co-dependent side I'll go there first, also because I used to be a card carrying member of the club. Have you read Co-Dependent No More? If not I recommend it, helped me process some stuff. What are you doing to break this dependency?
I will have to pick up that book. I catch myself always asking her for permission to do things with the kids. I do this mostly to be polite. It feels rude to tell her what I want to do. Hopefully this book can help with that. There seems to be a fine line between cocky and confidence.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
One thing one of the women from here told me early on was that women don't find dependent men that sexy. They want confidence and self assured men.
I get exactly where you're at. I understand taking your vow seriously and wanting what's best for kids, I also hear you saying at this time your W doesn't share your view and I feel your frustration. Until you say screw it and take real control of your life your frustration is only going to build. I pray that your W will have that moment of clarity but the reality is she's on a different path. I'm not trying to discourage you or telling you to lose any hope (I still have hope and I'm D'd), I just see there is so much more for you. And that stuff I see may just get your W's interest...
Being reject from the person you expected to spend the rest of your life with really beat down my confidence. I am becoming better physically and keeping a PMA and that is helping. Having a beautiful nuclear family together boosted my confidence. Sounds shallow but I thought I had it all.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
" Giving you space, drive 4 hours a week to see the boys, gave her what she asks for, money for the boys."
This needs to stop.
What part needs to stop?
I love hanging out with my children. its 30 min each way and I visit them 4 times a week. I am planning to move closer within the next year. I have a fear that they will forget about me if I see them any less than that.
With the sale of the home, she got 90% of everything inside. The kids were with her so it didnt seem right to take the furniture, pots, dishes, electronics ect.
No getting around the money, there's a chart...Income + 2 kids = 35% of my net income plus other expenses. Unless I go for equal custody. I never went that route due to avoiding rocking the boat. I will request 50/50 in the future. Im getting mixed opinions on this. Some say you have a better chance when there older and other say do it now or it will never happen. Depends on your lawyer.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
I just noticed my wife unfriended me on Facebook. Should I ask her why? I am hurt by this jester. It just seems such high school mentality.
I dont know what more I can do to be nicer to her! I have been more than accommodating to her throughout this whole ordeal. To me it seems childish. Why is she so full of hate considering all the positive changes I made?
It is making co parenting so much more challenging. Wonder if she is trying to push me away from the children?
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
"I just noticed my wife unfriended me on Facebook. Should I ask her why?"
No. She's doing it because she doesn't want you in her life and doesn't want you to follow her antics. Unfortunately that's her reality that she's decided to build. It has nothing to do with things that you have done. And it is a high school mentality.
"I dont know what more I can do to be nicer to her!"
You don't need to be. In fact, maybe you've been too nice.
"I have been more than accommodating to her throughout this whole ordeal."
Don't go overboard and take care of her.
"Why is she so full of hate considering all the positive changes I made?"
Her anger has nothing to do with your efforts. She's trying to justify her leaving you to herself. Therefore you must be the enemy so she can project her unfulfilled needs and insecurities onto you rather than face them herself.
"It is making co parenting so much more challenging. Wonder if she is trying to push me away from the children?"
No. If you look through everyone's sitches, their spouses are all like that. They make the LBS look like the devil so they don't have to take on any personal responsibility.
That being said, you said your W suffers from depression and you reacted by drinking and smoking pot which in my eyes was high school mentality as well.
The best thing you can do is to get out of her way. Anything you tell her will be taken with hostility. Get out of the way so she doesn't see you as an easy target. Continue to grow and get better.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You have to let her go and worry about you and the kids. In her eyes nothing you do will be good and most likely will be twisted to make you look evil no matter what it is (lived it so saying that from experience).
F accommodating her or even talking with her anymore. It will only cause you to spin because it won't be reciprocated and likely won't change her mind.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
No getting around the money, there's a chart...Income + 2 kids = 35% of my net income plus other expenses. Unless I go for equal custody. I never went that route due to avoiding rocking the boat. I will request 50/50 in the future. Im getting mixed opinions on this. Some say you have a better chance when there older and other say do it now or it will never happen. Depends on your lawyer.
Do you want 50/50 custody? If yes then fight for it now. Are you willing to miss any time that you could have with kids 'waiting for them to get older'? My first L almost had me convinced to take a deal on custody because it was better then what the guy usually gets here but it wasn't what I wanted, thankfully a friend convinced me to fight for what I felt was right. One of the scariest decisions I ever had to make in my life but I turned the deal down and got ready to fight for my kids. I ended up getting new L and now have kids over 50% of the time due to her work schedule. Don't be afraid to fight for what's right for you and the kids. If you don't you'll regret it. Being the nice guy here will cost you, seen it happen to a lot of friends...
For the record, I'm not saying you should turn into an a$$hole or be vindictive or any of that stuff. I'm just recommending you fight for what you feel is right and concentrate on what's best for you and kids. You can do this and still be civil with W.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
"I just noticed my wife unfriended me on Facebook. Should I ask her why?"
No. She's doing it because she doesn't want you in her life and doesn't want you to follow her antics. Unfortunately that's her reality that she's decided to build. It has nothing to do with things that you have done. And it is a high school mentality.
The best thing you can do is to get out of her way. Anything you tell her will be taken with hostility. Get out of the way so she doesn't see you as an easy target. Continue to grow and get better.
Thanks for the reality check MrBond. I am at a low point mentally and need to get my spirits up.
Any books that you can recommend that would help me access, identify, then implement positive changes?
I find the DR increases my hope for reconcile but her actions and behaviors are telling me the opposite.
I will do what i can to distance myself further from her, yet still be involved with the boys.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
