DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

I posted for help about 2 months ago. (thread is no longer avail.)I got various advice and followed the majority of it.
I used many of the DB LRT/180 changes I read in the DB/DR books and suggestions of posters here. Unfortunately everything seemed to backfire with my H

My sitch briefly:
August 2012 H said he was unhappy
H's complaints about me: I didn't compliment him enough, felt like room-mates, no intimate touching, we didn't do many activities together b/c I am a home body, H wanted me to have more friends b/c him being my closest friend was a lot of pressure, I've said things over the years that were hurtful to him.

My complaints about H (though I'd still like to make things work): Hid smoking and drinking from me until we married (We were in a long distance relationship. I felt lied to & hurt, this hurt snowballed into heated arguments), he talks to many of his female co-workers by phone and text though I've never seen anything inappropriate I do not like it, he never seems to go out of his way to do things for me as I do for him (for example, I take care of the car I drive w/ oil changes etc, I wanted to feel "taken care of" more, just by him doing simple things for me), H has said many hurtful things over the years as well.

We did 5 counseling sessions before having to move apart b/c of his job. Counseling dug up issues, did not give solutions.
A week after counseling we had to move apart because of previous plans made before he announced he was unhappy.

So for the past 7 months my H and I have been living in 2 different states because of his travel job. All was well, but then we had a negative visit in January, but we moved past it, so I thought. Then when we saw each other again in April when he visited, he stated he loved me, he'd die for me, but was no longer in love & maybe we shouldn't be together. He went back home to his job site. 2 weeks later I discovered DB & this forum.

I stopped perusing, begging, calling, texting, I gave him space. When he did call me I did not talk about us, we had wonderful friendly conversations, but I made sure to be the one to end the conversations after about 45 mins.
I start focusing on me, working out, GAL, conquering fears & taking risks. I did ask to come visit him but he rejected me.


Almost 2 months passed of me DB'ing and he finally came to visit me 3 weeks ago.

He noticed I looked great. He said I looked just as I did when we start dating, he also noticed all my changes, GAL, new friends, conquered fears----- he said "you were able to do all there great things with out me". It showed him I'm better off with out him? Geez ---backfired.

He brought up my giving him space over the last 2 months, he asked why and said he never asked for space and that space actually helped him to emotionally move further away. When he did call me, we would talk for a while and then I'd say I had something to do, that made him feel like i didn't want to talk. *sigh* ---- backfired.

I told him I gave him space and didn't call b/c of advice I got from a variety of sources, he said "why would any advise some one not to call their spouse/give space?!" I felt like my brain was going to explode.

DB may not have worked how I as hoping it would with my H, but DB has helped me to make a personal changes that were needed w/ GAL etc.. I really wish it worked with my H, though. It just wasn't meant to be I guess??????


More about what happened on his visit here for those interested:
The first day he was here, he brought "us" up, with out my prompting (I actually didn't expect to talk about us in the first day of him being here, let alone the first hour of him being here)..... he said I looked great and have accomplished so much with out him and it helped him to remain set on leaving me b/c it seems like I do better with out him.

I did not cry, I stayed strong and I followed through with plans I made for the rest of the week we went hiking, stayed in a cabin 2 days, went to the movies, festivals, I invited one of my new friends over to eat dinner with us, I cooked his favorite meals etc...

He enjoyed everything, said we were like best friends again and it was the closest we've been in years. But it didn't change his wanting to leave, he said I only planned these things b/c of the situation we're in . By the middle of the week, I finally decided to bring us up on my own terms, I spoke calmly. I basically talked about my ideas on marriage, how we hadn't gone about it properly and how I now have the tools to properly work on things and I thought we could be successful this time around; it ended with him saying he's not even willing to give us a little more time to work things out.

After spending 5 days with me (staying at my parents home) having fun doing various things, he wanted to go see his family 2 hours away; because he needed to get away from seeing my family hurt and sad because of his decision.

So I drove with him 2 hours away, went to his aunt's home for a little and then to breakfast with him and I drove back home alone.

I spent the next 3 days in bed. Doing nothing. Sad that everything I'd done seemingly failed. (He didn't know about this though)

Then a got a 2nd wind and decided to take a leap of faith and ask him if I could drive back up there to see him and we could spend July 4th together, then I would return home the next day. He texted back and surprisingly said "Sure you can" then followed up with a text that "we're still family".

The "We're still family" killed my confidence and I said, I'm sorry for asking I got a little over excited; maybe it's best for me not to come.

He text'd back "no no come, my aunt really wants to see you. you can stay with me at my sisters and we'll both go back home togheter on tuesday" so I told him I'd think about it, b/c now my 2 day July 4th trip would be a 6 day trip if I stayed until tuesday as he suggested.

I decided to go, because maybe he had a change of heart since he doesn't mind being around me 6 days? We've NEVER stayed more than a day or two around his family; b/c he never wanted me to see "how they are" b/c we have totally different backgrounds and he's always assumed I'd be uncomfortable. So I took this as an opportunity to do a 180 and show him I am comfortable around his family and we could have a good time.

So I went, everything was well over his Aunt's house, he introduced me as his wife to every one there. Everything was great until it was time to go and his Aunt hugged me and said "be strong, there are two sides to every story, you'll make it through this..."..... O GOD, he's told everyone he's leaving me? Sheesh. (After leaving, I told H his aunt said something that made me realize he's told everyone...he said yes, he did tell he, his cousin and mother. But did not tell his step-grandmother and says he doesn't ever plan to tell her. No one he told talks to her much, his family is VERY disconnected. So I guess he thinks he's pass away before she finds out and is disappointed? He then went on to say that nobody cares about "his feelings", that the majority of his family told him not to divorce me; he said it seems like they care more about me than him.)

He'd been with his aunt for 5 days and didn't see his sister at all yet b/c he had no way to get to the other side of town; and I assume she didn't offer to pick him up? So now that I am there w/ a car he's able to go to her house and we're to stay there.

I walk in and say hello to the sister. No eye contact from her, no hug, she just says "Hi, How are you Mimi?" and before I even get a response out she says "good" and keeps walking. She gives us an air mattress to pump up, no pillows, and a simple sheet to sleep under. So, my strength started to break, felt awkward. H noticed I was uncomfortable, I told him to let it go; I didn't even say anything was wrong, but he was angry and spoke to his sister about her behavior.

Day 2 at the sisters, I decided to GAL while there, so H and his sister could be alone and so I could just get away. I met up with a friend and took H's expensive new sunglasses to get fixed at a Len's crafters early in the morning (they were broken the night before at the July 4th gathering by some children, and he was very upset about it, so I figured it would be a nice gesture to have them fixed and surprise him).

I text H to see what they are doing he said they were about to leave to go to breakfast, I was just around the corner so I pull up, give him his glasses, but didn't know what to do since they planned to go to breakfast without me. H asked me to go, but I felt a bit emotional, so I told them to go ahead continue enjoying their time, I'd go back out and about.

Shortly after I got a text from H saying maybe I should go back home because they'd be spending the entire day out and about. I told him I know I messed up by acting awkward about the breakfast but I was fine and wanted to stay.

We all met back up again an hour or so later. The sister went to the movies with her son, that left me and H a chance to talk. He kept pressing the issue of maybe I should go back home.... I said it's only saturday, we're supposed to stay until tuesday, but it sounds like you no longer want me here? H seemingly got frustrated and said "here we go, I didn't say I don't want you here" So then I was confused on why he kept suggesting I go back.... I said I could stay in a hotel instead of at the sisters. He said no that wouldn't be right and it's a waste of money. So I said "what are my options?" he said "what to you think you should do in this situation"

I told him I already made plans with a friend and she was picking my up to go out in 3 hours (at 6pm), I really wanted to see her. So I will just pack my bags, hang out with her, and then go back home.

His sister returned, she took her dog for a walk, so I walked to the store at the corner of the street to get something to drink. I text H and asked if any one else wanted anything. He called and said, we are about to leave, what are you going to do? I asked what do you mean, I told him a friend was picking me up in just a few hours to hang out.

So we hang up, 5 mins later I'm back at the home, he comes out doors and says every one has been waiting on me, they are ready to leave (go to an outlet mall 45 mins away)so what am I going to do. I said "can I stay here at the house and lock the door when I leave in 2 hours?" he said no, the sister is funny about leaving her extra key with people. So I said "I guess I have no other options, I will leave now". He acted frustrated and while walking away said "I don't like the way this is going". I again asked, what are the other options?

He went in, put my bags in the car. I got in my car and started to pull off. Then I stopped, went back inside as I decided not to be rude, I went up to his sister and thanked her for allowing me to stay at her home. She's never really talked to me over the 4 years of our marriage (none of his family has visited us in the 4 years of our marriage, we lived in another state, so I never got to know them well), but at this moment she says "let me talk to you" she took me in a room and closed the door and said she knows there has been tension for the last few days and it's because of her PMS, she's never gotten in to our business etc...and she tried to talk to me over the years when we'd visit, but I was quiet so she gave up and stopped talking to me (not true, last visit, we went to a wedding, my H was in the bridal party, so me and sister were together the entire day, laughing & joking)

I told her, in my eyes there was no tension...and I asked H not to say anything, but obviously he did. (she then repeated her self that she wasn't tryign to cause tension etc..)So I moved on and I said I just wanted to thank her for allowing me to stay in her home over the last few years. I asked her for a hug and said God Bless.

I was very diss-appointed in her. She's 40 years old, 10 years older than me. She's been divorced before. I thought she was pulling me into the room to say something that had a little wisdom involved in it, plus she's a social worker, so maybe she wasn't going to show compassion? But no, she was only concerned with her self and clearing her actions.