Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[Accuray]

Given the issues with S13 & S15, I don't think having her in the house would be a good idea, and since your sister knows about your sitch, I'm surprised she'd try to impose this additional burden on you.

Man, your sitch is very tough with the boys, that trip to Busch Gardens must have been very frustrating. I remember I drove 3.5 hours to go skiing with my son once and he threw up in the back seat of the car with the flu just as we pulled in the parking lot, so it was 3.5 hours back the other way immediately!

Reading what your counselors said and what URWorthy wrote, maybe the best thing to share with your sons is "just the facts" versus the feelings. The facts are that H has moved out (which they know), and that the current trajectory is toward an eventual divorce. In the meantime, the two of you are working on a formal separation agreement, and you don't know how long that's going to take, or what the overall timeline is going to be. Right now, however, the chances of reconciling or H wanting to move home don't look very promising, so you're not making any plans along those lines. You've accepted this as your new reality, and are doing your best to make the best of it, and in some ways it has been better for you. Then let them ask questions.

I read once that the biggest source of career dissatisfaction is not knowing what the future holds -- i.e. when I get done with this project, what will I do next? Will there be another project for me to work on? Who will I be working with? That uncertainty about the future can be energizing to some, but drives a lot of anxiety for most. URWorthy referred to that in the context of her divorce -- her son wondered "are my parents getting divorced? Why isn't anything happening? Are they trying to work on things? Do they want to reconcile?"

At the very least relieving the anxiety about what might happen over the next 18 months is probably going to help them move along the curve to acceptance.

Since they are teenagers they are probably going to be reluctant to have that discussion at all which will make it harder for you -- you'll have to corral them.

I might not share that you think their father is depressed, because really, we don't know why he's doing what he's doing. I would, if asked, talk about the behaviors that you didn't think were acceptable to you, and why you felt that way, because it helps to form their expectations of what a husband should and shouldn't do, and might shine some light on why you're not pursuing reconciliation at any cost to you. In many ways you're better off by being free from abusive behaviors.

Kids smoke pot through ratchet sockets? Creative I guess? Seems easier to use a soda can and less likely to get caught by the parent who is suddenly missing their tools. Do you think given everything going on it's good for S15 to be in the house alone overnight with his friends? *Any* 15 year old is going to have trouble keeping control in that situation. Friends can be very influential, and having an unsupervised place to party is hard to pass up.

Acc