Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[AnotherStander]

W sent me some texts venting about how aggravated she is with all the doctor visits and such. She was supposed to have one next Monday and called them to ask why, they said they wanted to talk to her and she responded that she's sick and tired of talking about it and doesn't want to come in again until her BRCA results are in and then she canceled it. I did the DB'ing thing, told her I was sorry and it sounded very frustrating and I understood why she felt that way. She vented some more and I validated some more. W thinks she's OK with this but I think the stress is building in her like a pressure cooker. She seemed to calm down by the end of the exchange though, we joked around a bit about how she needed a margarita

Agree that being there seems to indicate that a great amount of progress has occurred but man does it seem hard to get there!

I think the hardest thing for most of us is to just let go of things and quit trying so darned hard to fix them. I think that was when I finally started seeing progress- it was when I stopped trying to make progress, LOL!

While there is no OW in my sitch, I haven't not gotten myself to a point where I think I would be ok to see H with OW.

I told my W early on that I wanted her to be happy and that if leaving me was what would make her happy then I supported that. But at the time they were just words I had read, I really wanted ME to be happy. At some point though, I really did decide I wanted W to be happy no matter what that meant. I had to accept that I could be happy without her first though. So now I'm there, and if OM makes her happy then I am glad for her. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards him. I'm certainly not saying that everyone needs to be like that (OK with seeing their spouse with OP) though.

I can assure you that I could have won a wife of the year award through the surgeries, and I continue to fight the financial war with the medical providers and insurance companies. No R over here. H continues his flirty stuff with other women (none with me), but has lowered the age of the targets and now is making FB posts about how awesome female friends look (this is new). You cannot be hurt no matter the outcome with your outlook.

You are a true saint for doing what you did for a person that surely doesn't seem to deserve it. I'm sure as a believer that you know your rewards will come though

I know it is still hard and some of the emotions that you thought were in the past can be brought up again after all this..

So far I feel quite detached from it. It hasn't brought up any emotional cycling in me. Maybe that will change once W is into the treatment phase, but I'm not in love with her anymore and so far it feels much like it did when my dad and grandmother went through it, I care and I want to be there for support but I don't feel deeply affected myself, it's more of just having compassion for the person going through it if that makes sense.

just a thought about the OM, I am sure he is a nice guy but you are right that it will be different when it is finally over with you and W and that might be a uncomfortable for him..just human nature, there won't be the mystery and all....

Could be, who knows. I certainly don't want W to consider reconciling because I've suddenly become her only option though.