shouldistillhope: Thank you so much for the reply.
The reason I am in such bad shape today is because last night I had a dream about the W and I that I didn't want to wake up from. That and the end is so near now.
It is hard for me to deal with hope because like I said in somebody else's post, I am a recovering pessimist. I'm usually not a hopeful person. I am trying to change this as part of my 180s, but it is so hard to be hopeful when your W is scrambling away from you like the cat in those old Pepe Le Pew cartoons.
Realistically, knowing my wife, I don't think there is any hope. But can I be sure that it is a realistic assessment or just my natural pessimism rising up?
The initial weeks after the BD, I could hope. She and I were talking occasionally, and she even said nice things to me. After six months of this, it hard to have hope.
Last night, I saw an article about an AARP study on divorce (surveyed people 40 and older) that said only 6% of couples remarry after a divorce, which is nearly half that of the 10% figure that gets quoted around here. That took a lot of wind from my sails, too.
GAL activities for the week: Attending a meeting for a local non-profit that I volunteer for tonight, therapy tomorrow, and working for the non-profit Friday, hopefully.
I have also read all those studies and seen the statistics, but i take them with a grain of salt.
I have read that part of the reason that couples don't remarry after divorce is generally because the LBS has moved on and didn't want to wait for WAS to come out of the fog. Either way your chose, remember, it is YOUR choice and no one else can tell you when to give up hope.
You posted on my thread asking if i thought i might be co-dependant, and yes, i think that may be the case with us. I am not happy being alone, and i understand if you also feel that same way, but part of this whole process is getting to that point where we can be happy on our own.
That is what will make us attractive to a new potential relationship whether it is with our wives or someone new. I know it's easy to say while typing it, but in reality it is a very hard thing to do. I think we have the coconuts to do it though, don't you?
Me: 41 W: 36 M:9 yrs Together: 12 yrs Kids S7 S4 BD: 01/13 W filed 5/13 D final 8/13
You posted on my thread asking if i thought i might be co-dependant, and yes, i think that may be the case with us. I am not happy being alone, and i understand if you also feel that same way, but part of this whole process is getting to that point where we can be happy on our own
Yeah, I understand that. I used to be okay on my own, but I'm now at the age where I very much want to settle down and establish roots. I'm old-fashioned in some ways, and I sort of feel like a failure for not being more established at my age. The Great Recession, which was kind enough to hit just as the W and I were engaged, really made it difficult to get established though. I'd like to be a father before I get much older, and I know the W wanted children too. We just weren't at a place financially where I felt it would be responsible. Now, I've got some real promising job leads, and things could be different... I hope she doesn't rush into anything with somebody else.
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That is what will make us attractive to a new potential relationship whether it is with our wives or someone new. I know it's easy to say while typing it, but in reality it is a very hard thing to do. I think we have the coconuts to do it though, don't you?
Yes, it is definitely easier said than done. But I think we have the stones to do it. We're catches, dammit!
I get it about wanting to establish roots. You and i are pretty close to the same age, (although i fell over the big 40 cliff already!!) And i completely understand about you hoping she doesn't rush into anything with somebody else because i have those same feelings about my STBX.
But at this point, there seems to be nothing we can do but get on with our own lives. The unknown can be scary but it doesn't have to be.
You can achieve your goals of establishing roots and having a family, it was one of my goals as well and i was blessed with not only 1 son, but 2. If that is something you want, then you can do anything you put your mind to.
I hear you about the great recession, it seems to be one of the factors in my sitch as well. I was in a management position with my youngest son being only a couple months old when they let everyone on our office go with a measly severance package. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, i had worked my way up through our shop into management so i at least got the option to go back into the shop to work and at the time with my son being so young, i thought it was my only option. It was right about that time that W says she started becoming unhappy. Everything sort of snowballed from there.
Anyway, when the time is right for you, having roots and a family is a goal worth achieving. Check out my thread about the grand canyon. Does a cold one sound good right about now? Or a soda or lemonade perhaps?!!
Take care, i will be stopping by as much as i can.
Me: 41 W: 36 M:9 yrs Together: 12 yrs Kids S7 S4 BD: 01/13 W filed 5/13 D final 8/13
Hey LeftCoast, But at this point, there seems to be nothing we can do but get on with our own lives. The unknown can be scary but it doesn't have to be.
I keep telling myself this!
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You can achieve your goals of establishing roots and having a family, it was one of my goals as well and i was blessed with not only 1 son, but 2. If that is something you want, then you can do anything you put your mind to.
Lord, I hope you're right.
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I hear you about the great recession, it seems to be one of the factors in my sitch as well. I was in a management position with my youngest son being only a couple months old when they let everyone on our office go with a measly severance package. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, i had worked my way up through our shop into management so i at least got the option to go back into the shop to work and at the time with my son being so young, i thought it was my only option. It was right about that time that W says she started becoming unhappy. Everything sort of snowballed from there.
God that sounds familiar. Here's what's happened to me: Went back to school and graduated in a public administration degree in 2007. Met the wife a few months later, was working for a city. Was the last hire, so when the city slashed the budget, I was the first to go. By this point we were engaged. Took a job--any job--to pay the bills. Hated it, but was making decent money. Then my hours get cut 20%. Expenses rise (her car died, then mine). The job market in this town is terrible and I couldn't move because my dad was in failing health and none of my siblings were around to help. ...You know the rest.
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Anyway, when the time is right for you, having roots and a family is a goal worth achieving. Check out my thread about the grand canyon. Does a cold one sound good right about now? Or a soda or lemonade perhaps?!!
Make it a rye or an old-fashioned, and I'm there.
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Take care, i will be stopping by as much as i can.
I really appreciate that. I'll be in your thread as well.
Hi Lefty, been reading up on your sitch and just wanted to stop by for support - congrats and good luck on your job interview! And yes, I don't think the old suit will do!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
Job interview for next week? He11 yeah you rock! Way to go!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
chl0901: Thanks for reading my sitch and the support. I appreciate it so much!
jp787: You're welcome! Glad to help out in whatever small way I can. Thanks for the kind words!
Journaling: Had a good time at the meeting last night. I can still be a little awkward around people, but I'm getting better and I like everyone involved with the organization. The organization is really picking up and is about to transition from a purely volunteer-driven organization to a funded organization with employees. I haven't told the director about my interview yet, but she knows I am looking for work out of town. I would hate to leave them at this point, but I don't think they would be able to pay me as an employee what I need for quite a long while, if ever.
While I am excited about my interview, I'm not crazy about the position itself. Still, I would be making a great deal more money, I would be back in my sector, and I believe I would have a path to advance (going to ask about this at the interview), so I am going to pursue it to my utmost.
I wish I could tell the W about it. She wanted me so much to find a better job while we were together. Both for my happiness and for our financial health. I just couldn't do it at the time; I was too depressed and I couldn't leave my parents in the situation they were in. Now both those circumstances are different. My W & I had talked about me looking for work with this organization in this town, too. A few weeks ago, they had an open position that was perfect for her background and what she wanted to do, but I couldn't contact her to tell her about it because of the damn TRO. Everywhere I turn, it's reminders of what could have been if things were just slightly different.
I think I dreamed about her again last night. Wish she were in my arms so bad. The thought of her with somebody else guts me.
I have therapy tonight and some work scheduled with the director of my non-profit tomorrow afternoon. Trying to get some personal projects done this weekend too. Scrambling to find an interview outfit that isn't too expensive (I still have another 15-25 pounds to lose) and still looks good.
Im certain that its the increase in my wellbutrin BUT "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"!
A wise older man suggested that I REALLY think about this - "Do you want her back because it was SUCH a blow to your ego?"
Think really hard about this.
How much worse could it be if you had your roots and she pulled this stunt? The TRO would then take your children away!
Could she/ would she pull it again?
I realized my co-dependence and am now focusing on doing things by myself when D3 is with Mommy. On Friday I didnt tell anyone and I disappeared and sat at the beach all day by myself. I got soo much sun that I was still in flip flop mode 4 days later.
Im thinking about trying the movies by myself. Im scared and feel pathetic before I do it but after.............energized as hell.
The non- profit work- are you lifted when you leave? You did it! If your not patting yourself on the back each time- you need too.
We are rebuilding- and we are upgrading. Maybe our new selves will re-attract our wives and the mother of my little girl- Maybe not
I KNOW that if my wife wants to come back she will need to cut off all contact with her new friends. Is that demand my deal breaker- YES
Lefty, you are one heck of a good guy and you just need a change in scenery. When you get that new job and you get the new clothes and you change your routine you will be one happy man........
"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
