I cried the whole time reading that article Dawn, thank you so much. I'm glad your H does not know how much he annoys you, that you are able to DB and not let him know, just like that woman in the article was so annoyed by her H and he seemed sort of oblivious. Since I now know that you are a believer, I will tell you why I love my H so much. Most people have acted like I"m nuts (MLC? ) when I tell them this story, but it's true.
He started acting very nasty in fall 2009, and had a million complaints about me. Little things like it annoyed him that I waited until I finished cleaning the house before taking a shower, true things like I was too fat (the MLC diet took care of that!), and things I could not control like being too short. He gave me that I love you but am not in love with you speech on January 9, 2010. I read his email, and learned that he was having a very hot, x-rated online affair with one of his language pen pals from Russia. I hated him, was filled with contempt and bitterness. A couple of days later, he was playing the piano, and I was sitting on the couch glaring at his back. I started praying "Lord, H is wrong, he is doing wrong to me, show him the error of his ways and make him love me again." I swear Dawn, that I heard a voice say out loud "Linda you can not change your H, but you can change yourself." And I was filled with the most overwhelming love for him. Amazing overwhelming pure love. My H does not believe me, even though I still feel the same love today, over three years later. He says the only reason I love him is because I am in danger of losing him. But it is not true. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. It was a pretty amazing experience, and I've always longed to hear that voice again, but never have.
Yes, you're right about feeling hate. I guess you cannot help your feelings, but just need to live them, accept them, and try to let them go. And it does mean that he is still in your heart, even if it is in an annoying way. I am just afraid that it is eating you up inside.
I do not know how to stop hating. I hate my H's girl friend. Hate her. Truly hate her. I have not asked for forgiveness, and have not asked God to help me to love her, because I do not want to give up my hate yet. I recognize that about myself. I think when I am done writing this, I need to go and ask for forgiveness and for some help with this horrible feeling.
I read something on facebook once that said harboring hate and forgiveness in your heart is like eating poison and expecting the other person to die. He or she is not even aware of your feeling, but it is eating you up.
You are right that explaining your sitch to the DB coach can take up the entire first session. The sessions are only 50 minutes long, and I figured I should not take more than half that time explaining. What I did was to type out everything I wanted to tell him, and then read it out loud while timing myself. Hahaha, I think it took well over an hour. Then I trimmed out all of the less important things, and actually added some other stuff I"d forgotten, until I got it down to 25 minutes. Then I read it to Chuck. He asked me a couple of questions while I was reading it, but I went back to my script so I could get the whole thing in. I had also made a list of things I wanted to ask him, like HOW LONG WOULD THIS TAKE (Don't bother asking that it's a waste of time, he said 3 to 5 years, maybe up to 7 years), and also whether I should institute No Contact and the Last Resort Technique. Because a lot of people on this list were telling me to institute that, also to kick him out or give him an ultimatum. Since I tried to organize myself, the session was pretty helpful. Chuck answered my questions and gave me a lot of suggestions about things I could do to help my relationship. For our next session, I was a big fat mess. My H had just told me he plans to go to Moscow to boink RT for a month, and I again made a list of questions, like what I should do and what I should say. Chuck was so helpful. He asked me what kind of things my H does and says that "push my buttons," and gave me very specific things I could say and do at those times. He also asked what things I thought about myself had made my H fall in love with me 38 years ago, and told me to try to do those things and act that way again.
It's pretty expensive, because you have to lay out the money for all three sessions at once, but well worth it I think.
"I have been reading more Christian lit. as it's how H and I first connected, it's nice to read that even a M so deep rooted in misery (as mine) can be brought back, I know it's in His hands if I just trust the process, also like DBing"
Yes, all things are possible with God, even straightening out a crazy MLCer! And restoring our marriages. I love you Dawn, sorry if I have been preachy. It's a big fault of mine, sorry.
) when I tell them this story, but it's true.
