You're focusing on things you have no control over.
Is DB making you a better man?
I am not sure if "DBing" is making me a better man. But yes, I am much more aware of my short comings, and I am trying to improve myself in that regard. I feel the two things are separate, but I agree they must connect. I do beleive I can become a better man without my wife. However, I am still trying to hold on to hope that my marriage will survive this. Right now, things aren't looking so good for my marriage. Actually since BD, they never have. How long do I hold on to that? How long do I let things continue to go along very awkwardly? She is literally right under my nose making a new life for herself. Shouldn't I be doing the same? It is tough, with a constant reminder that she and my daughter are right here, like they are under a glass cabinet in a store I can't shop in. I wish to reconnect, but I can't. I don't know how. We don't even talk anymore, unless it is in regards to daughter. How can that be? We were together for 12 years, shared family, shared friends, shared our inner most secrets. Now we are complete strangers?.....I know, its normal. It just hurts very deeply today for some reason.
Originally Posted By: labug
You and W are going to move further away (emotionally) from each other. You're getting a D.
This was the same thing that my family brought up. They said there has been no form or even an interest in reconciling between wife and I. Therefore, how long do we let it go with her living here, with us paying her utilities, putting a roof over her head, etc.? They said, "if she wants to be out on her own....she needs to go OUT ON HER OWN". There arguement is, she doesn't even know what it is like to be separated or indipendant. She needs a taste of reality, and I need to be able to keep my head together enough to work at my business and heal emotionally.
Originally Posted By: labug
About your W's stuff, you're going to take time in the busiest part of your season to have a garage sale? If it bothers you, box it up and put it somewhere, then tell her she can come and get it.
The thing is, summer is about the only real time we can have garage sales around here. Also, wifes stuff isn't something I can just box up and set aside. There are literally ROOMS FULL of stuff that need to be separated.
Originally Posted By: labug
I went back to your first couple of posts:
Quote:
On top of that, my wife does not want to change her ways of partying and socializing. I guess in reality there is nothing wrong with that. She has been extremely loyal to me throughout our relationship and she is a fantastic mother. I just worry that she can be put into "single type" situation that would not be good for her. I also feel that she party's a little too often. Perhaps, most of the problem is just my own insecurity. I think most people would consider us the sarcastic bickering couple. We nit pick each other constantly. Really, I guess our biggest problem is just engaging each other and communicating our needs and feelings. We tend to walk on each others feelings instead of lifting them up.
Your W likes to have a good time and socialize, and now that she has someone who will do that with her, she may do it more for awhile. Your W hasn't changed and her sociability is probably one of the things the drew you to her.
And again you say, "She is a fantastic mother." I don't know what that means to you but you can be a fantastic parent and not spend every waking moment with your child. In fact, it takes some amount of adult time to remain a fantastic parent.
You also said you nit-pick each other constantly.
That is true, at least on your end. It's not productive, let it go.
I guess you are right, La. The truth hurts, and I am just hurting. At least I am not turning that hurt into anger. That's a good sign. But, I do need to come into focus that she is probably gone forever. I just can't. I can't let go of it. I haven't been this sad since BD. I find myself crying about every hour or so, for no real reason. I never in a million years would have thought my emotions would dip back down to where they were in the beginning. I cannot believe that someone (wife) would be able to hurt me so deep emotionally. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her, how much I miss her...but I can't. DBing says I must "act as if". That is pretty hard right now. My whole life seems pretty hard right now.
