uRworthy, The thing is, i realize i have caused this but i am getting angrier by the day that this was the outcome. I can wish things would be different, i can wish she would have sat me down and looked me in the eyes and told me if things didn't change, she would leave me, but i understand that she didn't feel comfortable with me or with the fact that even at that point if she had done it that i would even change then.
This. This, so much. If I had an ultimatum, I would have changed. Hell, I was about to change right before the BD when I found those texts. Part of me thinks a big part of the reason the W has acted the way she has since was embarrassment and shame at me discovering the texts. Mindreading, I know.
Maybe my W did warn me as best she could. We asked for therapy the summer before the BD. Our finances were rough, work was killing me (double the usual workload), and my dad was in and out of the hospital. I thought we could hold on. If I knew then what I knew now... Ah, hindsight.
Quote:
But the confusing part for me is, my needs were not being met in our M either. She would never say "i love you" out of the blue, or ask me how my day was. She was never there to offer me a hug when i was having a bad day. Maybe she was hurting or just felt like it was no use, but eventually it starts to affect a H as well.
Again, this sounds familiar. I think my W and I were just too scared to reach out to each other. I realize now (too late) my unhappiness with my M wasn't inherent. It was unhappiness with the way things were in the marriage at the time and unhappiness with myself. There was nothing wrong with the marriage that couldn't have been fixed if we had tried.
God, things got ugly towards the end. In the last few months before the BD, my W unilaterally decided I was responsible for fixing dinner all the time since I got home a couple hours before she did. That would be fine, but she also refused to cook breakfast. "I don't do breakfast." Stuff like that.
Quote:
all my anger right now is trying to figure out why i want her back so badly.
Again, you could be. Some of my anger is at myself for being such a rotten husband in the first place, too. Do you ever worry that you might be co-dependent? I do.
Quote:
i feel like everything now is on her terms and i hate it. It is so hard to give up control and that was another big part of the reason for D.
Again, get out of my head! I don't think I'm a control freak, but it is so hard to have little or no important about such an important thing like the end of a marriage.
Quote:
I just want to walk up to her and tell her to wake the F up, we can make this work as long as we put in the effort, but this is the mess i have created and i know this will never work.
You're not alone. I think about this all the time.
Quote:
Another part of me that is struggling so badly is the fact that she has mentioned 3 or 4 times during all this that if she sees true change in me we can start dating again. WTF? Again, it is now on her terms and i can't control that.
This is a BIG plus. Don't obsess over this, but take some joy and comfort in it. It is more than some get.
Quote:
I have read on here so many times that it takes months even years for the fog to lift for the WAS. Being controlling and impatient, it is very hard to read things like this.
My W and I were only together for 5 years and married for 3.5 before the BD. Hearing that it could take years (if ever) for the fog to lift is very, very hard. Especially when your W said things like "we are still young enough that we can find someone else." I feel like she is going to rush right into another long-term relationship.
Quote:
Sorry, i just kind of needed to vent a bit today. Feeling a little down and can't seem to get this mess out of my head.
Been there, am there. You're not alone. Hang in there. We can get through this.
