But the confusing part for me is, my needs were not being met in our M either. She would never say "i love you" out of the blue, or ask me how my day was. She was never there to offer me a hug when i was having a bad day. Maybe she was hurting or just felt like it was no use, but eventually it starts to affect a H as well.
I really doubt that anyone here is 100% responsible for the crumbling of their marriage. The WAS was an active participant too. But BD does strange things, at BD the WAS suddenly remembers nothing good about the LBS, every problem the WAS has ever had can be traced straight to the LBS and therefore the WAS needs to get away from them so their life can be all unicorns and rainbows. Strangely, the opposite happens to the LBS. They can remember nothing but good things about the WAS. They forget about all the WAS's issues and problems. Accuray posted something interesting about this yesterday, he said he read a book that talks about how the LBS actually has chemical releases that make them want the WAS more than ever, that even though before BD they too may have wanted out of the M, that BD does something chemically to them to change their perception. Anyway, that chemical release might last a few months or a year, but eventually it goes away and the LBS will remember things a little more clearly.
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That seems to be part of the anger for me right now. After all this, her telling me ilybinilwy, or her telling me she is done, or her saying she sees me changing for the better but she is still filing for D, all my anger right now is trying to figure out why i want her back so badly.
Are you seeing an IC? That anger thing is what you really need to address. You're channeling your pain into anger and that is not a good thing. It's OK to feel pain, but anger hurts you and those around you.
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Another part of me that is struggling so badly is the fact that she has mentioned 3 or 4 times during all this that if she sees true change in me we can start dating again. WTF?
Typical WAS talk. "If you do X, then maybe I'll be interested again." They'll usually hold it over your head later, "well you never did X, so what did you expect?" Or if you do X, then it'll be "sure you did X, but you didn't do Y and Z, I shouldn't even need to tell you to do those!" Just stick with your changes, but don't have any expectations. Dealing with a WAS's demands is like walking through a minefield.
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I have read on here so many times that it takes months even years for the fog to lift for the WAS. Being controlling and impatient, it is very hard to read things like this.
Welcome to the Controlling And Impatient Club, I was president of it for years If I can find patience, ANYONE can. You can do it! Just do what I do- take it one day at a time. Get out and GAL. Do things to make YOU feel better about YOU. Do it for YOU and no one else. Stick with your changes for YOU. The benefits will affect your life, your PMA and your self esteem. That trickles down to your WAS, but also your kids and everyone else in your life
If I can find patience, ANYONE can. You can do it! Just do what I do- take it one day at a time. Get out and GAL. Do things to make YOU feel better about YOU. Do it for YOU and no one else. Stick with your changes for YOU. The benefits will affect your life, your PMA and your self esteem. That trickles down to your WAS, but also your kids and everyone else in your life 