Blindsided

[chl0901]

Hi Hwy, I sure do love pedicures!

I have been getting really positive feedback on my appearance lately (with the working out/eating right, my clothing style, and now my "new" hair) - that makes me feel good. I'm still hoping H notices and likes, even if he doesn't say anything about it to me.

I haven't snooped since last week when I looked at the phone bill and saw OW and H texting multiple times daily, so I have no idea how often he is talking to her now, but I'm sure it's still a lot, which of course really bothers me but I am trying to be the bigger person at this point and continue to work on myself and see where that gets me. I just started DB and will post soon on my set GALs and 180s to help keep me accountable. I hope everyone has a good day!

[sthelen]

Thanks for your response in my thread. I'm sorry you've found yourself here. It's such a difficult time. I wish I had words of advice, just know I'm thinking of you and hoping things turn around.

My H was also texting someone else in the beginning of this. He swears nothing physical ever happened and I have no proof otherwise. I haven't mentioned it since May and neither has he. I'm really surprised I've been able to let it go so easily...but I've told myself if there is someone else it's just a symptom, not the problem. And if we can't figure out what the problem is we have no hope anyway. The truth will come out eventually. I actually really regret making such a big deal out of it during the 5 days he moved home. I think that pressure to end all contact with her immediately was the main reason he moved out again and filed so quickly. If I had kept my mouth shut and practiced DB techniques (that I knew nothing about yet!) it may have died on its own (and I suspect already has, but with him out of the house and a D hanging over our heads).

I wish I had found this forum sooner!

[chl0901]

Thanks for stopping by, sthelen. Even if what I'm positive is an EA is also a PA, I have no proof and he would lie and freak out if I asked him about it. There's no point in me trying to snoop (even though it's very tempting!) because he erases his text messages and I just feel bad afterwards.

"...but I've told myself if there is someone else it's just a symptom, not the problem. And if we can't figure out what the problem is we have no hope anyway. The truth will come out eventually."

I really like that POV. If things were great with us, he would talk to me instead of OW and I wouldn't have to worry about him lying and cheating, so even though I in no way condone it, I need to try and put my jealousy and anger on the back burner and work on things to better myself and be a W he would be a fool to leave.

[RoofRackDude]

If at all possible, split the phone bill. When the W took it on herself to pay for her own phone, that ended the snooping for me and helped me let go of obsessing over how much she texted a certain friend.

I would wager that LOTS of EAs are fueled by texting. It's a little secret relationship, right in their pocket!

My $.02
RRD

[chl0901]

I don't know if this is good or not, but I am starting to feel disconnected emotionally and physically from my H. Even though we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed, we have almost no physical contact and we have been pleasant to each other for the most part lately (except when he gets in one of his bad moods, which I leave him alone until it passes). It really makes me sad to feel this way. I guess I thrive on having that connection (both emotionally and physically). Kinda feeling melancholy today I guess...

[chasingpavements]

chl.. I am feeling exactly the same way right now, that I am disconnected emotionally and physically now. Because I was usually the initiator of physical contact, I have now backed away from initiating as part of 180's. It is making me feel so disconnected. I also know that if I did initiate hugs, kisses, etc, that he would probably back away or feel uncomfortable about it at this time. It's a sad feeling. Hopefully we can manage to get that back into our relationships somehow. I am hoping my H will reach out to me one day, in my mind that would tell me things are getting better between us. One of my major goals with the DB'ing is that my H will reach out to me with affection, start planning dates, etc. Baby steps for now!

[chl0901]

Hi Hwy,

I'm used to H being the intimacy initiator, but because one of his previous complaints to me has been that he wishes I would take more initiative in the bedroom, I tried multiple times last week and was shut down each time, the final time I tried he told me he was getting really sick of me pouting about it and I'm pushing him away. So I have not tried since then.

However, I'm usually the one to send "have a good day!" or "I love you!" text messages every once in awhile, but have stopped since trying to DB and he had already stopped responding to those since the BD last month anyway. Now we don't text anymore really unless it's business.

I'm also having a really hard time dealing with my feelings of jealousy about the fact that I know he is texting and talking to OW about God knows what. I know I need to let it go and that I cannot do anything about it but it is driving me mad. Don't worry, I will not confront him about it - I've learned that much. It is really difficult for me to know this though.

[chl0901]

Also, I like your goal about having your husband show affection towards you, planning dates, etc. I would love for my H to do those things, too! He used to do those things a lot (years ago), but I really really love that kind of attention from H. Hopefully, it's not just wishful thinking on my part.

[chl0901]

Hi RRD, thanks for the phone bill idea. From what I understand, if we split up our lines, it will cause a price increase because we are currently on a family plan. I'll have to look into though to make sure. And knowing myself, I'm sure I would still obsess over it all anyway because I would know in my heart H and OW are still texting and talking all of the time. Such a disappointment.

Thank you for stopping by and for the advice; I really appreciate it!

[chl0901]

Still trying to read DB when I can...I have only been reading a little bit at a time when I can secretly. I don't want anyone at work or H especially to see me reading it (I haven't told any family/friends of our problems - everyone thinks we're just great - H I'm sure has told OW).

I was feeling really down last night laying in bed next to H watching tv (normal routine) with everything that is going on. I was hoping, wishing he would put his arm around me or "make a move," which of course didn't happen. I really miss his touch and that level of comfort it gives me (even though when I did have it he was still unhappy and I didn't know).

H actually texted me this morning, "have a good day." That was a pleasant surprise, but I'm trying not to look too much into it. I responded, "Thank you, I hope you do too!" I really wanted to add "I LOVE YOU" at the end but did not, because I do not want him to feel pressured to say it back or be disappointed if/when he didn't. He responded back to me, "I'll try."

I've been doing really well with the eating right and exercising since the BD and am starting to see a difference in my waist when looking into the mirror. I made the mistake of getting onto a scale the other day (I knew I shouldn't have but it was so tempting!) and had not lost as much as I thought. However, I have been doing some strength training a couple of times a week so maybe that's part of the reason. I'm not going to get discouraged though, because I was already wanting/needing to make these changes and this whole deal is also great motivation.