Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

No responses or advice, so I guess I'm just journaling here. I kinda hoped I'd get some kind of pointers. Maybe I'm just not helpable? Possible. I am pretty lost. I'm starting to feel like I may go crazy...well, felt that way awhile now, actually.

I don't get why I'm struggling so much again, I was starting to accept this a little...now all of a sudden I'm back to obsessively worrying, waking up 10 times a night to worry, trying to think of the future on my own & being overwhelmed by fear & dread (that has been a constant). I'm not sure I can make it emotionally, physically, financially. Not that I'll have much choice...but it's still a real concern.

H texted me this morning that he is "really homesick this week for some reason".
I replied, " Because we are SO awesome :p" , then , "probably because you honestly believed you were going to get laid off".
He ignored those comments (usually,if he wasn't 'sad', he'd have jokingly replied), responded only about another subject we'd also been discussing (a meeting on Friday that may keep him late & unable to come home earlier in the week as he'd planned).

I really wish I could detach. I just have no idea how to do it 1. Without losing feelings for him entirely, 2. While living together weekends/staying in contact (which, I obviously have to..not that I couldn't make some changes to the current forms of contact..but I worry that I AM starting to see some baby steps regarding his belief that he'd be happier with a new life, & this would set it back).

I've also mentally kind of put a time limit on how long I WANT to keep holding out so much obvious hope for the M, before really getting myself prepared for life as a D person. I'm going to try moving on in Oct. IF I don't see more progress towards reconciliation.

I also plan to have a R talk at that time.
In the meantime, I'm going to keep up my 180s & attempt to keep being friendly/engaged with H. Keep the road home smooth.

That will all pull back significantly in Oct. at the 1 year BD anniversary if he is still feeling like a D would make him happier. I just see that he had not done ANY work on himself, & it doesn't appear he's done much deep thinking on our relationship or how to fix it or move forward...but who knows? He's not sharing that kind of info with me, yet (if ever). H had never been sn emotionally forward person, so this one is hard to really know. I guess I'll get my answers in Oct. if he choses to share at that point. Either way the relationship goes, I hope he'll give me that much.

I will consult a lawyer at that point regarding alimony & an official legal S , plus attempt to find alternate housing (hopefully in NM, giving me space & a "fresh" start in a new area without memories of "us" tired to petey much every location).
I'm currently researching the area, utilities costs/deposits, job availability, so forth. Maybe thats why the sudden backside with fear? This while thing is getting mighty real. The thin veil of denial is slipping away....