Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[MrBond]

"I just don't understand how to turn this around at this point"

The key is in the old posts.

[dorightman]

[/i]After rereading some of my past posts on my "Stuck between a rock and a hard place!" , this is what I got out of it.

My erratic behavior and not really listening to w were her biggest issues with me.
Also dumping my anger on her and ignoring her.

From her last letter:
[i]I struggle daily knowing I cannot have a straight conversation with you. I have told you all my feelings, desires and experiences-and to all of them you have said "no". You have disrespected the truth of what I have expressed.

I didn't validate properly. I didn't think I said no to w with all our conversations, but that was what she heard.

I never expected to feel as terrified of you as I did. Your unpredictable behavior has shaken me to the core.

I understand how she felt scared of my emotional reactions early on. What I don't understand is how she doesn't understand why I had them, I'am a passionate person.

Whenever we attempt to discuss anything, the conversation goes to the most irrational place-that we are breaking up because I won't do the work. This makes me furious.

This is my messing up the DB techniques. I should just validate her and STFU.

I think this letter was her forcing a move towards D. She knows I can't afford to pay for the apt she wants to rent and knows that this will force me into mediation and that is a step closer to D.

I told her to call the mediator and figure out what she wants to take from the house. I felt like it's over after reading Labug's post. But after reading Bonds post I had a sliver of hope again. The problem is I can't flipflop again. I told her I'd go to mediation and now I have to go.

If I have a conversation addressing all of her concerns with me, do you think that would help at this point?

If I say to her that I will move out to give her real space, if I show her I get where she's coming from, if I show her her POV matters, will that help at this point?

If I ask her what she needs me to do to feel safe will that help?

If I respect her wishes and understand her needs, will that help?

I'd like to have this conversation with her asap or send her this letter:

I understand how you feel based on the letter you wrote me.
I'd like to address your feeling safe with me in the house, what can I do to make you feel more safe? We already discussed a "safe word".

I understand the truth of what you expressed and I'm sorry for all the ways I hurt you and made you feel ignored. I will do my best not to do that anymore. I will listen to you express your needs to me and will not argue them anymore.


I think I'm getting closer right Bond? After reading the last couple weeks of my posts, I realize what an a## I've been. I just now got it! Bond , thanks again and my sincere apologies again!!!!!

Bond, you really are awesome and I can't express in words how much I appreciate your support.

Labug, Advina, thanks to both of you too! what are your thoughts at this point?

[dorightman]

Thanks Lovethehub, this makes alot of sense. Do you have any other insight for me since my w's last letter?

[dorightman]

Next conversation with w.

I understand that you feel done and you want a D.
I feel that we have not given each other enough time and space to see if our feelings could change. I love you and I don't want a D. I'm asking you to give us 6 months of a proper separation, I will move out and get my own space. If after the next six months your feelings haven't changed, then I will accept a D.

Is this a good plan?

[labug]

No.

I understand that you feel done and you want a D.
I feel that we have not given each other enough time and space to see if our feelings could change. I love you and I don't want a D. I'm asking you to give us 6 months of a proper separation, I will move out and get my own space. If after the next six months your feelings haven't changed, then I will accept a D.

Now you tell me why this isn't a good ides.

[dorightman]

I'm not sure why Labug?

Is it because she will think I'm not listening again? or because I'am listening, but I'm ignoring her needs? or because I'm putting a time limit on it? All of the above?

This is so difficult because I'm really stuck in a catch 22 here. How do I listen, honor her needs without giving her the D she wants?

[LBH_LC]

As much as it hurts, you have to let her go. Why would you want to keep her in a relationship in which is she unhappy? Follow the DB/DR processes and trust in them.

[labug]

You're only in a catch 22 because you put yourself there.

I don't know what state you're in but does she really need you to "give" her a D?

What kind of R do you think people have when they are forced to stay together? Is that what you want? Do you think that's good for your children?

Is it because she will think I'm not listening again? Yes or because I'am listening, but I'm ignoring her needs? Yes

Really listening is getting to what the other person needs, even if you disagree.

Your W needs to be away from you. Do you love her enough to make that happen while working to preserve the R with your children?

[Tallula]

No.

I understand that you feel done and you want a D.
I feel that we have not given each other enough time and space to see if our feelings could change. I love you and I don't want a D. I'm asking you to give us 6 months of a proper separation, I will move out and get my own space. If after the next six months your feelings haven't changed, then I will accept a D.

Now you tell me why this isn't a good ides.

You are also saying here that you think she is "wrong" for her feelings. She clearly feels that she has given this time. She asked for space, you didn't give it. Show her you have changed by giving her what she wants.

[dorightman]

I'm in a no fault state, but it would take a year from now if I didn't sign.

What kind of R do you think people have when they are forced to stay together? Is that what you want? Do you think that's good for your children?

I'm not talking about staying together, I'm suggesting a second chance at separation because we only had 3 months apart. I have no interest or power to force us to stay together.

Your W needs to be away from you. Do you love her enough to make that happen while working to preserve the R with your children?

Yes I do have enough love for her, but my question is could we create that with a separation rather than a D?