Circles no more

[shouldistillhope]

uRworthy,

You are absolutely correct in the fact that i don't want to act in this manner anymore, this is part of what caused my D in the first place. The thing is, i realize i have caused this but i am getting angrier by the day that this was the outcome. I can wish things would be different, i can wish she would have sat me down and looked me in the eyes and told me if things didn't change, she would leave me, but i understand that she didn't feel comfortable with me or with the fact that even at that point if she had done it that i would even change then.

Wishes don't mean anything now, and it's time for me to start acting like a man.

But the confusing part for me is, my needs were not being met in our M either. She would never say "i love you" out of the blue, or ask me how my day was. She was never there to offer me a hug when i was having a bad day. Maybe she was hurting or just felt like it was no use, but eventually it starts to affect a H as well.

That seems to be part of the anger for me right now. After all this, her telling me ilybinilwy, or her telling me she is done, or her saying she sees me changing for the better but she is still filing for D, all my anger right now is trying to figure out why i want her back so badly.

I am in no different sitch than most on here, but my controlling nature is telling me that i can get through this on my own. I am not so sure of that anymore. By me being so controlling, i feel like everything now is on her terms and i hate it. It is so hard to give up control and that was another big part of the reason for D.

I just want to walk up to her and tell her to wake the F up, we can make this work as long as we put in the effort, but this is the mess i have created and i know this will never work.

Another part of me that is struggling so badly is the fact that she has mentioned 3 or 4 times during all this that if she sees true change in me we can start dating again. WTF? Again, it is now on her terms and i can't control that.

I have read on here so many times that it takes months even years for the fog to lift for the WAS. Being controlling and impatient, it is very hard to read things like this.

Sorry, i just kind of needed to vent a bit today. Feeling a little down and can't seem to get this mess out of my head.

Thanks everyone.