wife hardends heart-2

[planet]

sandi2
i accept responsibility for my in-actions. Now and before.

I should have said something when i first became uncomfortable with the OM coming over under the pretense of friendship with me and my family. Instead, i gave him the benefit of the doubt. Feelings grew as a direct result of my in-action.
I can't believe i have the bloody propensity to take 'nonsense' flying at me and keep quiet.
This will become one of my 180 regardless of the end result.

[fade]

OK, here is a 2x4 coming to reinforce what it looks like you are starting to realize. You need to step back and realize that allowing some other man to insert himself into your home and family like you have done is absolutely insane, and for any self-respecting person it is inconceivable that you would allow this to happen. So what if he apologized to placate you, he is not going to stop manipulating to try to take what is yours, and your wife is on his side.

Women cannot love a man the don't respect, and no one can respect a man who will accept this level of disrespect in his own home.

To your wife, he is not "almost OM", he is the man. He is actively taking over what was yours and you are standing by watching, and being polite about it. To her you are the "almost OM" she is trying to extricate from her life and her children's lives. Trust me - you will be the last person who will ever know that they are sleeping together, and laughing at you, and turning your kids against you.

So what if you are getting a divorce. This is still your house. You are still the man. It is your job to protect it from predators and "Almost OM" is a predator.

[SemperFi00]

Planet, haven't been in your specific situation but you are getting great advice here.......

I would not expect that it would be easy and certainly understand the discomfort you expect to feel. My sense is that if you have the conversation and take steps to address the "almost OM" situation it is very likely to make you begin to see the whole situation in a new light.

Everyone on this board will be around to support you as work on things.

Stay strong!

[planet]

I told him off that night.
I told him he's not allowed to my house anymore nor taking my kids out.
I told him this is my family and he's to stay out of it.

[fade]

I wish I could remember the name of a documentary I watched about primates a few years ago. It really lays bare how this process plays out in an accelerated manner because while humans are no longer polygamous, the underlying psychology is all basically the same. We humans just do a much better job of hiding it.

Anyways, the alpha male gets all the females in the group, other males live more or less alone or on the periphery of the group. The alpha is not who necessarily wins fights, he is whoever the females choose to follow. A strong male kept trying to challenge the alpha male, they kept squaring off and fighting, and the alpha's attention was always on him and no longer on the females. Meanwhile a weak omega male had started moving closer and closer to the group, and whenever the alpha would leave or was preoccupied with his challenger, the weaker male would move closer in, interacting more and more with the females and infants. Not seeing him as a threat, the alpha male tolerated this and never reacted, until one day the weaker male walked off and the females and infants followed him.

I see this same practice again and again in my cases - sure human women do not blindly follow whichever male they come across that they perceive to be strongest, but most women are nonetheless attracted to strength in terms of self-confidence and self-respect and are instinctively repelled by weakness and submissiveness. Women in particular link attraction with respect. All of this psychology of attraction occurs in the subconscious limbric, or lizard brain and is exactly the same whether you are a human or a gorilla. I can pretty much guarantee your lack of action to chase off "almost OM" is perceived by your wife as a disgusting display of weakness and submissiveness and his encroachment is seen as attractive dominance, even if she is not consciously aware of this.

The 180 is a strategy to help people initiate self-protection in the most difficult situation most people could ever encounter, which in turn can help them survive and move-on from a divorce situation. Whether or not you end up divorced, the best outcome is for the left-behind spouse to use this process to grow, improve and become stronger. I would suggest you use this horrible time in your life as a catalyst to grow stronger in terms of protecting your self-respect, not accepting disrespect, and establishing and protecting your boundaries. The first step is to assert your dominion of your home and forcefully and unmercifully chase off this omega male trying to sneak his way into your rightful place. You will not be placated by his false apologies or SOB stories. You will not be affected by your wife's anger, tears or projected guilt. You will feel much better about yourself and everything in your life. Your wife will be distraught and extremely, severely angry at you, and she will respect you.

Good luck!

[fade]

I told him off that night.
I told him he's not allowed to my house anymore nor taking my kids out.
I told him this is my family and he's to stay out of it.

Ooh, I missed your post. That is great! Understand he will keep trying to weasel back in and your wife will try to help him or undermine you. Stay strong and firm against him, and also your wife!

[LBH_LC]

I wish I could remember the name of a documentary I watched about primates a few years ago. It really lays bare how this process plays out in an accelerated manner because while humans are no longer polygamous, the underlying psychology is all basically the same. We humans just do a much better job of hiding it.

While I'm sure there is a small element of truth to this, to categorically accept it seems like reductive biological determinism. We are more than just primates.

[planet]

I have CCTVs installed around my house before moving in which is more than a year ago. So there's nothing 'really bad, not even touching' going on when i'm not around.
W admitted having 'feelings', kinda like 'liking someone as close friends'. it's the best translated version.

[planet]

Well it's been a couple of days.
Just been trying to be nice and having small talks with W. as usual, she's disinterested and cold.
I have been GAL these couple of nights since I had the talk with OM and later that night with W.
Can't help wondering what's been going on with her. She have been going out as well. Did the OM continue persuing? She did rejected his advances. I believe she may not want their friendship to develop any further. He never confessed his feelings to W.
She haven't told her family and friends about getting D. Says she could not handle the pressure. But her actions tells them otherwise. She made plans with her sis to go on a holiday without me. It's like she's screaming out to her that something's going on. I think others are beginning to pickup on these and just didn't want to ask what's up.

[planet]

W came up to me asking if she could take my kids to movies with OM. I said I'm not comfortable with that.
She said that he's not going to replace me as a father. She only treats OM as a friend. She wouldn't have told me if she's really going out with him.
Accused me of being selfish and only wanting to hold on to her. She trown a lot of accusation at me. She didn't even believe me when I said I did not over-react when I confronted OM. She didn't even believe me when i said I went over to my parents to talk to them over our impending D. I validated her. Hope it's the correct kind of validation.
What am I to do? I don't want my kids to go. I told her that OM had intentions many months ago even before we talked about D.
Was interrupted then and I left it as it is.
I'm not sure I'm right. Shed some light please!