Any suggestions on how to get this message through to my W?
You really can't do it directly. The remedy is time and patience, you work on it by NOT working on it, as odd as that sounds. Shining a light on it stops your progress.
A couple suggestions for you -- after an EA when you start piecing sex is often an issue -- the LBS wants to have it again and the WAS needs to go slow.
The issue is that physical touch can really help bring you back together, but often innocuous touching leads to thoughts of sex for the LBS, and fear of sex for the WAS, which makes even benign touching tinged with anxiety.
One thing to try is this: Your W must initiate all physical touch, and you agree that you will reciprocate, but not escalate. If she hugs you, you can hug her back but no more. If she kisses you, you can kiss her back, but no escalation.
Another good habit is to try hugging before you leave the house in the morning, when you get back together after work and before you fall asleep. Hugging for at least 30 seconds has been shown to release minor resentments, to encourage "bonding chemicals" to be released, and to center both of you back in the relationship. Make it a habit and it won't be awkward. It's good for your kids to see you do this too, BTW, it's a good thing to model. 30 seconds is a long time, so that takes a little getting used to.
Finally, it can be useful to agree on a frequency when you will have sex (i.e. once per week, once every two weeks, whatever) but then leave it up to your wife to choose when. This can help her to mentally prepare for it which really helps.
These are some things that helped in my sitch, sorry if you've already covered some of this or are doing it already.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
