Just got a call from W. She said she's gonna move out and take the kids. Then she sent me this letter...
Dear doright, I struggle daily knowing I cannot have a straight conversation with you. I have told you all my feelings, desires and experiences-and to all of them you have said "no". You have disrespected the truth of what I have expressed. Telling you where I was emotionally last summer was the hardest thing I have ever done. What followed was even harder. I never expected to feel as terrified of you as I did. Your unpredictable behavior has shaken me to the core. Whenever we attempt to discuss anything, the conversation goes to the most irrational place-that we are breaking up because I won't do the work. This makes me furious. I have spent over ten years doing the work. I now believe that the only way out of this moratorium is to face the reality of our situation. We are living separated under the same roof. I have asked you for a divorce because I no longer want to be your wife. Being honest with myself and you that this marriage is wrong for me has been excruciating for both of us. I gave this marriage everything I could and by the time you came around, it was too late. I am leaving this marriage, and only the marriage, because I do not love you the way you deserve to be loved and also because I deserve the right to pursue a life which is right for me. Since you have chosen to ignore my need to move forward with my life without you, I have taken an opportunity to move into a separate space with three bedrooms for me and the kids, very close to where we are now. It will be available August 1st. Prior to then we will have to discuss how to divide household items, what I can take and what I should leave, finances and so forth. I am writing this first to avoid useless conversation. I will discuss the particulars with you when you are willing. Living under the same roof is confusing and ultimately destructive for the children, me, and you.
I told her on the phone that she should not make this decision without us figuring out what the family can afford first, otherwise she risks putting all of us in financial ruin.
I'm not sure what to do next or how to react. She said on the phone that she won't be able to respect me unless I give her a D. I would like to figure out a way to give her the separation she seeks without the D. She wants to see a mediator to go over the money, she doesn't trust that I will tell her the truth in regards to money.
Maybe it would be possible to see a mediator so that her concerns about money are taken care of, but with the condition that we don't get D after the mediation.
Not sure how to proceed.....
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Maybe it would be possible to see a mediator so that her concerns about money are taken care of, but with the condition that we don't get D after the mediation.
that we are breaking up because I won't do the work. This makes me furious. I have spent over ten years doing the work.
She's done. The best thing you can do is let her go. I wouldn't even contact her now other than to say, "contact me about he mediation details".
You are in a place where every time she has contact with you she's reminded of why she doesn't want to be with you.
Leave her be. Stop trying to control.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm going to mention this to you again. YOU have to come up with an EXACT plan of how this separation is going to work. YOU have to be sure that plan addresses her needs AND yours as best as possible as individuals.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you labug and Mr.Bond. I have come to the realization that I cannot stop this from happening. I will do everything possible to create an amicable D and I want my STBXW and children to be happy. I want a fair deal for all of us. I will not abandon my kids and will structure my life to be near them and available for them. I think and hope that my STBXW will take the high road also, though that remains to be seen. Yes Bond, you were right! I don't know whether the outcome would have been different if i was better at DBing and may never know, but I do know that the principles behind this approach are positive and for me to use now and in the future. I'am very sad that this is happening to my family.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
"I have come to the realization that I cannot stop this from happening."
Yes you could have. What you have to understand is that you cannot stop YOUR W from wanting this.
"I think and hope that my STBXW will take the high road also, though that remains to be seen."
There you go again. Your W has been totally honest with you from the get go. Stop thinking that she's been out to screw you over. That's just your pride taking a hit talking.
"Yes Bond, you were right! I don't know whether the outcome would have been different if i was better at DBing"
Yes it would have and still can be.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I don't think my w has been or is out to screw me."
Yes you do. That's why you posted..."I think and hope that my STBXW will take the high road also, though that remains to be seen."
"Mr.Bond, I don't understand how the outcome could still be different. Please explain..."
No. I'm not going to waste my time going over this again because it was all said before. And I think you like the easy way out where we go through the trouble of telling you what to do and you don't follow through. If you want to find the key to success, then go back and read and absorb all the posts.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
