Wow...that's a lot to take in especially when you are in the thick of it with W.
So I'm angry and hurt. I'm trying to control it and I did well in front of her. We're still going out tonight. But I am seeing red. I need some insight from someone who isn't spinning befoer I spend the evengin with her. I feel like I just want to pack all of her bags, say "enough already... grown up and get it over with!" I'm hopeless in this moment feeling like the sooner she leaves the sooner I get on with detaching and getting over her.
Your feelings are understandably valid and you do have every right to feel them! This isn't easy at all. What you are wanting to see happen is for YOUR PAIN to stop right now so you are very much wanting to make the decision for W so that you can begin to heal. That would be a temporary fix and not the real solution. It will just cause much more pain for you two.
From what I've read here and seen in real life myself, the WASes will waffle and loop back and forth. That is the roughest part of DBing. It is hard for the WASes to wean themselves off from the OP.
Ruby had a great line to H when he was waffling between the OW and coming home: "My love for you is unconditional, but a relationship with you is not." Someone said somewhere in here that it is difficult to work on the R when there is someone else in the picture.
Let's dissect W's comments one by one. Here we go!
- I feel guilty that I am here with you and missing AP. I don't think it's fair to you.
I am sorry that you feel this way. It cannot be easy on you at all. It isn't fair to us or to the marriage when there's someone else in the picture. My love for you is unconditional, but a relationship with you is not.
- Being home with you makes me feel stagnant again like before and if I go to her she will teach me how to be a real estate agent and get me out of this rut in my life.
It looks like W is blaming you for her feeling this way. She needs to take ownership for her own feelings and situation. She can learn to become a RE agent while with you. The "rut" is of her own making since she isn't working and isn't actively looking for a job. You can offer her support in that area. Ask her what W would like from you in regards to the job search. Remember, you cannot fix things for her. The onus is on her if she wants it badly enough.
- If you want the honest to God's answer, I want to go to her and see if it works but I want you to stay here in our house in case it doesn't.
It looks like you want safety in case things don't work out with AP. I get that and it seems that you are feeling scared that things will fall out underneath you. I am here for you and for our M if and when you are ready to do the work. It won't be easy at all...there will be bumps along the way for the two of us. However, the reward will be well worth it. This cannot happen when there is another person in the picture.
- I know it shouldn't play a factor but she lives close to all of my family.
We can agree that family is important to the two of us. Ideally, we would like to live near our families. Physical proximity is not as important as the heart connections with our sisters, parents, etc. We are a family and we just had fun times with my sisters when they were here. Distance doesn't matter...it is a person's perspective and heart-connection that counts when it comes to family.
RT, there are some clues that tells you that W feels unsupported by you (right or wrong).
- I still have some resentment and blame you for my weight and not having a baby
We all know that a person's weight is something we cannot control. What's happening with the baby part? What is W's thought process in regard to these two issues?
Life with AP looks and feels like a fresh start and I think I need a fresh start.
Marriages go through cycles and they do sometimes get into a rut. Validate and own your part of the rut...say that you recognize your role in that and you're working on addressing it. Ask her what a fresh start would look like to her. And listen quietly and carefully.
I am sure others can give you more useful information and insights.
