Honesty. Whoa. Be careful what you ask for. You may not like what you hear. But I needed to hear it. Lunch hour turned into lunch 3 hours. Talking. She just cries and cries. I tried to help her. I asked her to put words and empotions to the tears. After a little coaching on how expressing her truth will eventually make her and I both feel better, these are some of the things she said to me today. My head is still spinning a little bit.
- I feel guilty that I am here with you and missing AP. I don't think it's fair to you.
- I go back and forth on leaving or staying. Today I want to pack up and go to her.
- Being home with you makes me feel stagnant again like before and if I go to her she will teach me how to be a real estate agent and get me out of this rut in my life.
- I still have some resentment and blame you for my weight and not having a baby.
- If you want the honest to God's answer, I want to go to her and see if it works but I want you to stay here in our house in case it doesn't. (oh yeah... you read that right. She actually SAID what we all know they are thinking!)
- I know I fit all the molds for typical affairs but I think AP and I are different because we have known each other so long. I almost dated her 17yrs ago but we didn't because she was with someone else. (It seems their morals have deteriorated over the yrs b/c now infidelity is ok?)
- I know it shouldn't play a factor but she lives close to all of my family.
- Life with AP looks and feels like a fresh start and I think I need a fresh start.
When I said it all seems pretty clear and her decision was made she said:
- I don't know what I want. In two hours I will want to be here with you.
So I'm angry and hurt. I'm trying to control it and I did well in front of her. We're still going out tonight. But I am seeing red. I need some insight from someone who isn't spinning befoer I spend the evengin with her. I feel like I just want to pack all of her bags, say "enough already... grown up and get it over with!" I'm hopeless in this moment feeling like the sooner she leaves the sooner I get on with detaching and getting over her.
Nothing makes sense. She's bat chit crazy. How can anyone end up in this position?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? How can anyone (me) keep putting up with it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Breathing, breathing, breathing.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
