Wow, my typing is bad, it's that thumb typing, and iPads corrections that screw me up!
H does a really good job at talking to me, he keeps the conversation going and gets angry when I am not able to hear between his babble. When he says I don't get to use the driveway to clean out my tools because your car is in there and now I'm not ready for work, I take it as blaming me!
He gets frustrated w me and says, no, how could I be blaming you, your not doing anything wrong, I can't move your car because I'm to erratic and i have messed up everyone's car moving them. It's nothing your doing or them.
When Linda says and then I read above in stages that he is living w a lot of guilt, I for some reason don't see it, as if I do, then I'm making excuses for him that he doesn't deserve. I want him to be the bad guy without excuses because he hurt me so much!
He's so insistent on being there in any way he can for us other than personally, because he is not a person. He is almost begging me to have fun and live and enjoy the family and our home!?
Why is that hard for me! Do I not trust that, am I fighting the part where I am doing this without my partner? I don't like being and island. He called them my kids, he's not a F, by his own standards of how he's not even human!
Funny, if I'm home w him I feel contempt or hate, or even see him as an idiot. If I'm out all day when I return I see his as sad, lonely, broken. If he's gone all day I feel free, wishing he never return, more able to enjoy my home and family!
When he's out he puts me completely out of his mind, he says, so he can be rebellious and stay away from dep. his crazy way of healing! He says when he does call me, I remind him of home, make him feel tired and put to much goodness out there for him just in my voice??!
He calls EA because she sounds like a Mac truck and it's driver in one, excuse me while I hack all over the phone
I am convinced its not about me at all, that only took forever, but what do I do with that?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
