Be really careful about letting your 12yo be the conduit of information about what your W is doing and how you feel about her actions. Don't put him in that place, and don't let him be there if he's using complaints about mom as an easy conversation topic to have with dad. Your care and concern in response to his comments will encourage him to report more and get more of that positive attention. It's just my opinion but I think if he's feeling down about lack of attention from his mom, focus on teaching him some ways to address that directly with her such as to ask her to make a plan to play a game with him or do an activity with him. He's going to need to learn how to navigate the relationship with his mom and get his needs met, and he's old enough to start learning how to do that. I would discourage him from reporting her dating activities to you, and if he complains to you about it perhaps tell him it is completely normal for divorced parents to date.
This is a very tricky situation. I would say I am putting a lot of this into practice in the way I'm handling it - maybe not to the letter, so to speak.
When he tells me these things, I just listen, almost to the point where I'm just simply collecting data. I really don't offer too much of an opinion, and he's the one bringing this up almost all of the time of the time. I'm not perfect in this regard. I do offer suggestions on things he can do to spend time with Mom, and even asked him if he's discussed some of these things with his Mom. I remind him his Mom loves him, and I believe she does.
There is some fear there, that I will handle myself the same way as Mom. It has opened up a discussion on how I do intend to handle myself post-D. I have candidly told him there may come a day when I will want to date, I just don't feel like now is the right time. I have told him I don't intend for him to meet anyone unless it's reasonably serious. I have asked him if he would want to know if I'm dating anyone when the time comes. He said he would like to know, but he didn't want to meet anyone unless it was serious.
There's a fine line here between letting him decide or learn what's right or wrong and avoiding throwing Mom under the bus, which the latter is highly inappropriate IMO. Not that she doesn't do it to me because he has also told me about some things she's said. (e.g. one of things she's told him is that I'm delaying the whole D process, yet I've been waiting on her almost 7 weeks now). Again, on those things, I have listened, but not really provided any feedback or defense.
Originally Posted By: adinva
You personally sound like you're in a pretty good place; it's been a long journey, huh?
Yes, I think I'm generally in a good place. I have my moments and days, but overall and all things considered, I think I'm doing well. And yes - it has been a l-o-o-o-o-n-g journey for sure. I think you know a little bit about that.
