Emotional Connection and Attraction

[BC39]

Thanks Accuray, fantastic post.

ILYBINILWY was actually the first book I read after BD a year ago. I should read it again.

The book goes on to say that when people say "ILYB..." what they're really complaining about is lack of loving attachment, they have in fact become detached.

There's a very strong chance this is exactly what my W was saying during BD.

I wasn't giving her what she needed. There were times I took her for granted, felt entitled, didn't tell her how I felt about her often enough, didn't make her feel special often enough etc etc. I've always been 'good' to her, but 'good' just wasn't/isn't enough.

On top of that I had anxiety disorder that held me back from doing a lot of things that W got the burden of doing.

So its no wonder there was a problem with her loving attachment.

I've tried to 180 all those things and work on myself.

I guess what I'm saying to you is give yourself a break -- I think this "attraction" goal you and your wife seem to share is going to be unattainable, and the quest to try to foster it will put unneeded pressure on both of you. You will feel like you're failing for not inspiring it in her, and she will feel like she's failing because she doesn't feel it.

Any suggestions on how to get this message through to my W?

Your goal should be to get "invested" in each other again. This is fed by listening, sharing, generosity, physical contact (not just sexual), being supportive, sharing a sense of humor, and going the extra mile for each other.

I'm certainly trying to do this.

Thanks again for advice, glad to have you on my thread.