Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

Saddest thing of all, is that somehow I didn't get across to H, over the last 26 years, that we are on the same team..I'm not the enemy. I'm H biggest fan outside of maybe his mom (as it should be).
I just wish he felt he could turn to me for the support he so desperately needs right now (he does a little, by text...but I could give so much more if he trusted in me & allowed it).
It hurts to know I'm a failure in that.

[chl0901]

Hi Demoted, just checking on your sitch and I agree with the poster that said your husband is acting like an entitled teenager (I think my H does too sometimes). I'm sorry that you are so down, please try and focus on bettering yourself and keeping your head up, regardless of your H and sitch (I know that sounds impossible!). Best of luck to you and I hope you have a good week!

[Demoted26]

H just doesn't get it. I thought he was a WAS, but now wondering if there's MLC in the mix. Guess it doesn't matter, except to try & understand the "whys".

H texted me tonight that he was going for a motorcycle ride, then rented a movie to watch with his D buddy & his kids...how he's going fishing with his bro on Wed..Nice for him, HE's GALing anyway.
While I sit here with no gas or groceries in 98° weather. I mentioned I had neither, to his credit he told me to fill the car & go to the store, but be "reasonable". It works.

H said I sounded "down" in my texts, then asked "why"?. Usually I blow it off. Today I said screw that , and said "I'm lonely".
H said he knew & was sorry.
Wow, that was nice.
I said, "why be sorry"?
He replied, " They moved me down here (work), now you're there alone".
I replied, " That's one way of looking at it, lol".
Then I slipped for the first time since Feb.
I texted, " Come home, we'll make it work".
He responded, " If only it were that easy", then
" I'll figure something out" &
"It'll happen soon".

I just responded "ok...have a fun/safe ride & enjoy your evening".
He replied, "thanks!:) I will. I'll text when my ride is over so you know I'm safe".

Not sure what to make if it.

[Demoted26]

Thanks for checking in chl, I really appreciate it. I hope you are doing ok today, yourself!!

[chl0901]

Thanks, Demoted! Hmmm, I'm not sure what to make of your text conversation, because to me, that sounds hopeful, but I know a saying around here is to believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see (I think I got that right!). Maybe a vet or two will have some good feedback on that. Have a good day!

[Demoted26]

I want to believe its hopeful. But then, isn't that why we are ALL here, because we still care & want it to work out?!

Texts are so hard, because you can take anything & put a spin on it so you get what you want to hear. I hope I am not doing that. If anything, I generally tend to swing the opposite way, being pessimistic by nature. We don't do phones though, which would make knowing how things were meant easier. Too many really negative associations (lots of traumatic calls) from when his D died 11 years ago.

H never texted me he was "safe" last night, which kinda bent me a bit since HE offered it, I didn't ask. He knows I an a chronic worrier...the bikes being a big one, considering my dad wrecked & was injured a few times, and H was hit in the fast lane of the freeway by an SUV & went down... That that call was important to me.

I didn't text him (did write, then erase one), nor did I mention it today. BIG, BIG 180 for me!!!
I'm really proud of myself, not texting about that. Kept reminding myself, I'm not his mommy & I'm not his keeper.

Today H had texted me 4x by 8am, when I woke up. He offered to get my Dad from the hospital when he's ready to go home (no one knows when that will be yet, but thank you God, Dad IS coherent again & seems to be recovering well. He's cussing & angry about being there...so yeah, he's acting like my Dad again. Poor nurses. I'm gonna owe them a HUGE box of chocolates, Lol).

H also mentioned trying to re-work his Friday work schedule so he could come home Thurs. night instead. He also said there's a movie we should go see to escape the heat.

This all sounds positive to me, but not anything particularly "different" from how he had been prior. I was glad my comment didn't have him distancing. I was preparing for it, thought it might have when I got no "I'm safe" text.
Happily I was wrong.

Today is supposed to be over 100°, D has the day off. We are headed to the library & I told her I'd spring for Icees.
A little GAL, nothing crazy...but it'll get me out & doing something I enjoy for awhile today.
Tomorrow is a local fruit market I haven't attended yet (been here 3 years!), gonna go check that out since we should be back in the 90's. 100°+, like today, & I tend hide inside. Luckily, the library is 2 minutes away...so I can get out today, for a bit, despite the heat.

Tomorrow I'll take a short scenic drive too, since I can get gas. We pulled the hard top off the convertible for the summer, so it'll be fun to get some more color. I'm getting a good tan this year from driving that (tanning in the real sun is a guilty pleasure of mine..I'm a 80's teen, what can I say?!).
I'll then hit the fruit market & find stuff to make a nice fruit salad for D & my dinner. Maybe they'll have blackberries for cheap. Yum! Should go good with the cantaloupe & watermelon I already have.

I know I ramble (kinda using this forum as a venting outlet/journal since physically writing hurts me), but I would still love to hear from AS again (know he's dealing with a lot himself, ATM) or any vet, just to get insight from someone with more experience under their belt.
Thanks, though, chl for keeping me company in my thread. I read yours last night, but dozed off mid reply. Nothing really brilliant to add, just support & to let you know I'd dropped by with a hug.

[Demoted26]

No responses or advice, so I guess I'm just journaling here. I kinda hoped I'd get some kind of pointers. Maybe I'm just not helpable? Possible. I am pretty lost. I'm starting to feel like I may go crazy...well, felt that way awhile now, actually.

I don't get why I'm struggling so much again, I was starting to accept this a little...now all of a sudden I'm back to obsessively worrying, waking up 10 times a night to worry, trying to think of the future on my own & being overwhelmed by fear & dread (that has been a constant). I'm not sure I can make it emotionally, physically, financially. Not that I'll have much choice...but it's still a real concern.

H texted me this morning that he is "really homesick this week for some reason".
I replied, " Because we are SO awesome :p" , then , "probably because you honestly believed you were going to get laid off".
He ignored those comments (usually,if he wasn't 'sad', he'd have jokingly replied), responded only about another subject we'd also been discussing (a meeting on Friday that may keep him late & unable to come home earlier in the week as he'd planned).

I really wish I could detach. I just have no idea how to do it 1. Without losing feelings for him entirely, 2. While living together weekends/staying in contact (which, I obviously have to..not that I couldn't make some changes to the current forms of contact..but I worry that I AM starting to see some baby steps regarding his belief that he'd be happier with a new life, & this would set it back).

I've also mentally kind of put a time limit on how long I WANT to keep holding out so much obvious hope for the M, before really getting myself prepared for life as a D person. I'm going to try moving on in Oct. IF I don't see more progress towards reconciliation.

I also plan to have a R talk at that time.
In the meantime, I'm going to keep up my 180s & attempt to keep being friendly/engaged with H. Keep the road home smooth.

That will all pull back significantly in Oct. at the 1 year BD anniversary if he is still feeling like a D would make him happier. I just see that he had not done ANY work on himself, & it doesn't appear he's done much deep thinking on our relationship or how to fix it or move forward...but who knows? He's not sharing that kind of info with me, yet (if ever). H had never been sn emotionally forward person, so this one is hard to really know. I guess I'll get my answers in Oct. if he choses to share at that point. Either way the relationship goes, I hope he'll give me that much.

I will consult a lawyer at that point regarding alimony & an official legal S , plus attempt to find alternate housing (hopefully in NM, giving me space & a "fresh" start in a new area without memories of "us" tired to petey much every location).
I'm currently researching the area, utilities costs/deposits, job availability, so forth. Maybe thats why the sudden backside with fear? This while thing is getting mighty real. The thin veil of denial is slipping away....

[Not Quitting]

I really wish I could detach. I just have no idea how to do it 1. Without losing feelings for him

You're not alone there. Detaching is the one thing I've really struggled with, and still do. Don't want to come across as cold and uncaring, but don't want to be weepy and emotional. This rollercoaster ride isn't an enjoyable one.

The advice I've been getting from friends is GAL and do whatever you can to maintain a PMA - not easy, but I've done it by reminding myself that I need to stay strong for my son's sake. He can't see how down and depressed I am by this sitch because h'es got his own struggles with his dad not being around.

We just need to remember that we're not alone with all the great people and advice on this forum.

[Demoted26]

Thanks for the response NQ, I'll have to read your sitch! Detaching [censored], especially after promising not to (getting married) & honestly really liking your spouse as a person. Or, the person they were when THEY liked US, I guess is more accurate.

After H texted me, I got to thinking. Maybe I should kind of open up. I've been pretty avoidant when it comes to R talks from either of us. One, because we aren't supposed to bring it up & two, because hearing him say he doesn't love & might be happier without me in his life kills me a little each time.
But I was thinking, maybe I need to validate, try & open him up.
I'll try that next time, as he seems to be making comments about missing home a lot lately.

I again blew it today, instead. I was getting a frozen yogurt with my daughter at H & my's usual place. We used to go weekly. It was our little "thing" for about a year. So, I got a brilliant idea, since he said he was home sick to text him, "At (yogurt place) getting our usual. Not having my partner in calorie crimes here is a bummer!! Miss you xxoo".
Yeah, probably not brilliant. Just wanted him to know I was thinking of him, missing him.
H just texted me about something else, his usual avoid anything I don't want to talk about method. I'm glad he opens up to me about his feelings, but I'm sad I can't open up about mine to him. Even on a non dramatic level.

I probably should have asked what HE was missing about home, asked if there was anything I could do to help?
Who said validation comes natural to women?! It might, just not THIS one.

[Not Quitting]

Detaching [censored], especially after promising not to (getting married) & honestly really liking your spouse as a person. Or, the person they were when THEY liked US, I guess is more accurate.

You're so right about detaching - it really does suck. Although now H is out of the house and I'm not walking on eggshells all the time, I'm actually finding it a bit easier - as long as I don't have to talk to him about finances. That part really hurts.

Depression does as well. For my H, ADs are a deal breaker so I've never actually gone that route. Fortunately I've always been more in natural health and homeopathy so I chose to fight my depresson with natural products - and they're actually cheaper here than prescription meds. And I pass them off as vitamins and nutritionial supplements and H has never bothered to ask what exactly they are or what they're for. The things we do for love....

Don't worry about making mistakes. We all do it and we always will. We just have to make sure that we learn from our mistakes so we don't keep making the same ones. Why can't there be a manual for life - it would make things so much easier maybe.