Thanks rH! I can see that my w still connects with me on some level, but, like you said, I'm a father figure to her. My pastor asked me yesterday what I thought w was missing in our relationship and looking for. I told him she was looking for an escape. It wasn't about what I did or didn't give her, she wanted to be free. Similar to your thought on how your h had to fix the plumbing yesterday. It's part of having a family. Raising a family isn't "fun" most of the time. It's work, responsibility, sacrifice.
Just yesterday I was mowing grass after work. S6 comes crying around the corner because S9 was being mean to him. I had to stop, discipline both, get the compressor out, restaple the bottom of the bifold door they broke, hang it, then go back to mowing. I hadn't even thought about it since, til I read about your h's evening. It's just what you do.
Her relationship with her dad was special. He was the nurturing parent, always taking her to stay all night at a friends, going to her activities, etc. He never disciplined her. She was his little girl. Keep in mind, he had an alcohol problem during her teen years and her mother coped by drinking and escaping during that time. I'm not sure what it all means? She has said she's out looking for her father.
Continue to use your situation when you help. It gives evidence to what your saying. It provides me with proof.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I told him she was looking for an escape. It wasn't about what I did or didn't give her, she wanted to be free. Similar to your thought on how your h had to fix the plumbing yesterday. It's part of having a family. Raising a family isn't "fun" most of the time. It's work, responsibility, sacrifice.
I would say there is quite a bit of this in my sitch as well, now that some things have percolated through the filter. And W has said that she "burned herself out" with being a parent in the style of parenting she wanted.
Quote:
He never disciplined her. She was his little girl. Keep in mind, he had an alcohol problem during her teen years and her mother coped by drinking and escaping during that time. I'm not sure what it all means? She has said she's out looking for her father.
That is an interesting tidbit, MM...some more info on that? Maybe there is a key to understanding there...?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Her dad was an older father. Never wore jeans or tennis shoes. Educated, and old school. Played the banjo, loved politics. Stayed inside and read books all day.
I'm not like that. I'm outside as much as possible. But, he and I are very similar. Even in shorts I dress neatly. Work in the yard with my shirt tucked in (or off in summer). Love politics and he and I both have/had a good sense of humor. Even though we were from diff sides of the debate, we talked politics constantly. They loved it when I went and visited him in the nursing home. We would talk politics from years gone by. The rest of his family hated politics.
The only thing she has said that she wished I did like him was play an instrument. Thing is, he quit playing when he quit drinking. Most people have said he and I were a lot alike. Most thought I was the son due to hair color.
Should I go on?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Maybe she likes the thought of having a musician that does the drinking/bar scene. But her dad was very responsible and only played with friends. And drink while they did. FYI- you know the difference between a savings bond and a musician? A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
So, ms "awkward and over" has been here since 9:30 doing laundry, showering, etc. We are avoiding each other for the most part. I'm sure she's hurting. I know I am.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Today w and boys go off for the weekend. I've never been away from them more than two nights. Maybe three will be manageable. Yesterday w did not come up to the house. First time in a long time. She and I did text about boys.
Last night she went out with a responsible girlfriend to the movies. Maybe it did some good. I have suspicions that it was orchestrated by someone. The friend called me first to see if w was around instead of ws cellphone. It was planned spur of the moment and the friend is usually too busy for that. Leads me to think someone asked her to go talk sense into w. Maybe not?
W has not mentioned speaking to an attorney. But, she is making an effort to spend more time with the boys and be away from me. Our SIL texted me when she heard I wasn't coming with them this weekend for the visit. She's concerned because I usually take care of the boys and she knows its going to make things more stressful for everyone if I'm not there. We both agreed it could be an explosive situation.
I'm not sure what I'll be doing this weekend. Other than sleep.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Hi Mtnman, your W's behavior is interesting atp, and not as easy to figure out what is in her mind.
You must be worried about the boys on this trip, if you're usually the one to shoulder the majority of their care.
But it will be a little (much-needed?) break for you.
Are you concerned she is mentally preparing for a break with you since she is taking them more?
It was very interesting to read about your W's dad. I'm so glad you had a great R with him. Do you think W never had a chance to be that "bad girl" and is testing out what that feels like without letting go of you?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hi rH! I do worry she's mentally preparing to leave. She gave me a really long, tight hug before they left. May have been for the boys to see? Could've been the responsibility of traveling with them without me.
She has texted me a lot from her brothers. Asking about blowing up an air mattress, if oldest son is due for medicine, etc. Very hard for me to read her.
She told me in the beginning she missed out on dating. But, she didnt. I do think in her mind she thinks she missed out on being a "bad" girl. She was always very responsible. But again, she had her share of fun.
Me and my FIL were great friends. I could sit and talk to him for hours. We never had a cross word. He treated me like a son and i like to think it was because he knew I would always take care of his daughter.
It's been nice to relax this evening, but I'd just soon be busy with my boys. I've got a load of mulch coming tomorrow. My brother and i are going to work on flower beds Saturday. It'll be nice to spend some time with him.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
In keeping with her new attitude, w has unfriended me on FB. But, texted me until midnight and started again this morning. Hurts, but I wished she would let me try to let her go, if that's what she wants. I imagine she's thinking it will help me if we can remain friends. It hurts far more than it helps.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
