Questions without answers...will the hurt stop?

[albamarie]

"you've been thru SOOOOOO MUCH FOR SOOOOLONG - (don't hate me for thinkin/sayin this ) maybe you've been thru the "worst parts" and now are impatient for an end to it- you know, darkest before the dawn kind of thing? i hate to even think it- but who the heck knows???"

I'm hoping this for Dawn too, Nero. Hoping hoping praying and hoping. Dawn have you ever read reachingHigher's threads? She and her H were on the edge of divorce. He turned it around and came home, but still put her thru hell for a couple of months dipping back into his replay activities. He's doing them less and less. It's a long slow process.

Thanks you both so much, I have been thinking that maybe I am being impatient for an end, and I see that I have gone through most of the worst parts. What kills me is the depression.

Thanks Linda for the stages....I have them copied as well but only when you put it out there did I read it again. I have learned that H suffered from dep pretty much his whole life, growing strong in his teen yrs, and as he got older coming up with really off the walls way to get " over" it!

I M the man I brought out of him, through unconditional L, humor, trust, affection, he gave me the man he always wanted to be. Now he's soo beat down by life his dep took him away.

I am actually really into psychology, I would be there for him, work OT to be available if he asked. But, he sees it as an evil in him, he says I'm dep...two min later...this isn't dep it's my darkness, that's why I want to separate myself.

It's just all really become sickening to me...he has a great family and he " wants" to stay stuck, his words.

Last night he said how could you and the kids have done anything wrong, it's me, I feel this creeping in me and when I'm like this I have no control. It won't let me worry about eating, or your feelings, or my life, when I say leave I mean leave you here to not get sucked into my hole.

See that's all just babble to me...and after so many years it has gone from serious concern, to OMG really! I don't like that I think of him like that, I'm really at the STFU stage, it's meaningless words, so I said, I'm well aware as to what " it " is, and walked away.

I'm not running away Nero, not as far as I know. He can't run this house. It's my house, and thankfully we don't live large, the bills could be sized down and paid if he dropped out.

I agree about getting work, it's not easy though, and I am coming out as a SAHM.

I could have a life right here, enjoy my family, work, GAL, all that, it's hard to get past that sickening felling of him acting like a ghost right in front of me, that's what he calls himself here. I got angry and said be a human, he said for what!

That is my prob tho, it is something I need to work on, it sounds like I have resentment towards him to work thru, and I do.

I need to take a vacation....I'm looking at the first week of August to see where I can get away to. H will be working variously at that time and will be coming home hyped up, and exhausted every night, I don't want to be here to see his fake happiness mood, only to have him drop when the gig is over.

No wifey poo here, unless he still holds on to a clean house and constant soap in the bath, I don't do anything for him personally, but I guess I don't have to, he knows I'm not going to live in squaller to spite him.

He called me starter than him, in a better position that him, and in control here, does he want me to do something? Am I missing the larger pic? I have to learn to be more forceful, I'm a mush, my kids say it.

I'm going to look for that getaway! By car or plain I need this!

Also, Linda I will read RHs threads, I am very interested! Thanks ladies! Your words help me wake up and have a positive start.