Still...mana mana, doo doo doo doo doo! Part 3

[Tallula]

Thanks KG and Steve! Regardless of what happens, having a supportive partner during the end of this pregnancy is a gift I do not take lightly. I was prepared to go this alone, so this suprise is quite joyful.

I had IC last night and the main focus was the R with my mom and family. We discussed a little of my issues with triggers for affair stuff, but honestly, I just deal and move on. It's weird what will trigger a thought. Sitting in bed and looking down at his leg and the thought "Other women have touched that leg..." He'll see the look on my face and say "where are you." For awhile I'd say, "I'm ok, just give me a second." but he said "you can tell me, I need to know and help you if I can." I figure they will either go away, or they won't and I decide then how I want to live.

My IC gave me some real great things to think about with my family. So I called my mom and spoke with her for the first time since her mean text. She apologised, like she always does. But through the conversation I just saw how much she tries to manage everyone and everything in this family. It was our first real conversation about my H being back. I just needed time to sort through what I was going to do, and then she stopped returning my calls...and here we are. So I listened to her concerns and complaints. I simply said "I'm doing the best I can mom. I took some space because I didn't know what I was going to do. I hope you all can see that I see a difference in H enough to allow him home, but I am not going to justify my decision to anyone. I understand your concern and worries, I have plenty myself. But I'm taking it a day at a time. Also, he is my H and I refuse to compartmentalize my life. You all haven't been in the same room since thanksgiving..." So, she interupts and says that no one knows what is going on, my brothers are upset, and that I should have a sit down with my whole family so we can talk it out. Um...what?!?! So as she is talking about what she thinks I need to do to make this a smooth thing and constantly saying that they all have a right to be mad (which I have always said they all have a right to whatever feeling they have) , I just think "I'm not doing that?!!" No one has called to ask me what is going on, if they are so concerned, flipping call me. This is what she does. If my brothers are in fact concerned, then THEY should call me, not her figuring out how I will discuss this and make everyone ok with my decision. I was silent for awhile and said. "I'll call everyone individually and tell them H is back. I'm not having a "meeting" about this. This is between you all and H and you all can work out your R. Not at some sit down, just at a birthday party or whatever. Or heck, the birth of #3. Everyone has a right to feel how they feel. I have allowed this separation for too long and it's not my job to manage it. It will go badly or well. Not in my hands."

Sigh. H doesn't want to see them, cause they hate him. They don't want to see him...because they hate him. Fun stuff, but the cool thing is, I know today it's not my job to fix it. Today, I just get to worry about me. What I do. It's my life, not anyone else's. This stuff with my mom is deep. I'm peeling the layers away. I've always known she judges my life and decisions and takes that as a direct insult to the way she lives hers. She said that last night. "I feel like you don't agree with the way you were raised." Um...left field...what?!? How are we making this about you? This is why I need stronger boundaries with her.

Her opinion matters, it still does. Not as much though. I saw that for the first time last night. In one breath she was asking in what ways he has changed, I told her I wasn't going to justify my decision, so she got mad and said that if I could step outside myself I would see what a mistake I'm making. I calmly said she is entitled to her opinion...then she says she supports my decision, in her "I totally do NOT support this" voice. My parents best friends had this happen early in their marriage. He walked out when she had a newborn and they were separated almost a year. Now they have 3 kids and my parents don't hate him. She said she'd ask them how they got her family on board and snidely adds "But he wasn't as mean as H was." I took a deep breath and said "Well, from what you told me, it seems he was. But, whatever mom. I understand that you are mad at him. I'm your kid." She said a few hurtful things. But it's ok because I know my truth. It's MINE. She doesnt' have to get it, no one does. I feel such freedom in that. Today, just for today, I will not let the opinions of others influence my truth. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!