Not confused...moving towards acceptance

[BRNR]

So feeling really detached today. Today was the first time someone asked about my H and I felt/said like "Ya know, he had the choices to make, I am not trying to figure them out, and he can't hurt me anymore, because I KNOW I was a good wife/woman and deserve way better than he can give me right now."

Strange?!?!

I guess, I just don't want to let him hurt me anymore than he already has. I am starting to heal from the wounds, and want to move forward with that and not get stuck or digress.

My H was a good man. I don't see that anymore. His MLC has consumed him. OW directs his life, actions, choices, and I just can't be a part of that.

His anger is still there and accrues daily it seems. Can I set a boundary here? I am not sure if that would add fuel or quell the fire. I wouldn't even know how to talk to him about that.

I know it is not wise to contact him with any OR talk. And in the midst of me filing those civil actions and no acknowledgement on his part in regards to them, it probably isn't wise at this time to do so.

I feel as my H has made all the choices and they don't seem to have worked out for him. But rather than him stopping, reevaluting, and "trying something new", he continues forward with the choice (OW) bound and determine to make "it" work. So there you have it...my H is stubborn. Combine that with MLC, I don't see any turning back, whether right or wrong.

Okay, so enough about him, back to me.

I have been reflecting all the positives/negatives in my life lately and my positives are far outweighing the negatives. At least today. At times I miss having my H, but not the version he is today. The kind, caring strong, intelligent, successful man/husband/father he was. That is all I want in my future. Someone like the man my H used to be.

I recently interacted with two friends who were holding on to OLD relationships. One has been holding for 5 years with his Wwas doing it for the wrong reasons and it seems now he is really getting nailed to the wall. The other, has been one of my encouraging coaches all along and he finally dropped the rope in his sitch after 4 years. And then their is my other friend who gave me guidance in the beginning that he saw positives in my sitch. I haven't talked to him in about 2 months in regards to anything, but he went through his own sitch with his wife, we both agree that may have been MLC, but his sitch only lasted 8 mos from BD with a reconciliation. 4years later, they have more good than bad in their marriage, but they are still struggling along.

I guess the reason I share this is because I see that no matter the outcome the journey is looooong. And rather than skip the chapters trying to get to the end of the book, I am trying to just sit back and enjoy reading each chapter, sentence, and word.

My marriage is over. My H gave up on me a long time ago and now is deciding to punish me for everything that is wrong in his life. I am leaning towards choosing to walk away from this, and him too! I deserve better, and probably always had even during the good times of our marriage.

I guess I am getting to the end of my road with patience...at least for H anyway. I know everyone says dig deep, but I am not sure that I should waste my time, my life, digging.

Letting the thought linger on me...I am not sure if I will feel the same later, tomorrow, next week or a month, but right now I feel empowered, self loved, and respected in this mind set.

until next time.