Am I ready for this?

[TSquared2]

Hi MM,

My W would show similar behavior after she crossed lines, the kids said something, or such, through this since she worked through the "anger (aka, spew) stage". I would just dim a wee bit...see where this goes...let her lead (but DO see your L a least about rights and such, if you haven't already).

I got BD#3 end of April, told her I would be the bad guy and file end of May, and she's still in house and nothing filed to my knowledge, and no increase in "extra curricular" activities that I can see...

I agree with Chuck, reality was delivered by another hand besides yours. If you W is like mine at all, she may be mentally toying with the D idea, playing it out, trying it on, maybe doing the math...

As Snodderly always says, best to sit quietly and the answers will come...

T^2

[reachingHigher]

Good Mm, good to hear those positive vibes coming through. Not everyone has to get to the brink of D, thankfully!!!

Good post from T^2 too, as always

[Mtnman]

I spoke to my attorney. She's a family friend so we are very frank with each other. She isn't a dber but gave me the same advice. Let w present you with separation papers, then we will look at them for 30 days, file for an extension for another 30 days. She told me not to worry about pushing from my end, it won't mean a thing.

Basically, wait her out.

Of all the things w said in her email, the one that hurt the most was her claim she didn't spend more time with the boys because I was always home and didn't offer to leave. She stated it was awkward to be here with me when our relationship is over. I think someone is choking on a big helping of guilt.

Thanks rH and T^2!

[Mtnman]

And, right on cue, Ms. "It's awkward and over" parades up to my office to show me the boys new paintball guns. And is hanging out downstairs. WTH?

[TSquared2]

Heh...never underestimate the speed and breadth of a MLC-er!

[Mtnman]

Oh it's a riot man!

Question. My employer offers free ic to employees/families. I have an apt by phone Friday. Should I make them aware of the dbing method? Jim conway technique or what?

[reachingHigher]

She needs lots of space but is still interested in you. I think that's not an all-bad place.

About the IC. I wanted to wait to see what anyone else thought. We had to use an employer-offered counseling also. I spoke to one woman to set up an appointment on the phone and didn't click with her. I had an actual appointment with a man and it was TERRIBLE. I finally found this current one as she advertised on the web as "solution-based". Still a company referral.

IMO, it's more important to find one that clicks with your values. She had never heard of DBing or MWD, but has a balanced Christian perspective. If you want one for the long haul, don't be afraid to shop around.

This counselor had never seen some of the deeper issues in MLC that we had despite saying she deals with MLC and has a graduate degree in the field of counseling and years of experience. She assumed we were going to get a D right away and never expected me to hang in there or him to come back like he did.

So....I think it isn't so easy to find the right one, but if you have one that you like, and can understand what YOU want out of the experience, it is as good as finding someone who has actually heard of DB. Just my two cents.

[Mtnman]

Thanks rH! I'm not sure what ill end up with but I will make sure they understand what I'm trying to do.

She is still interested in you? Can you elaborate on what that means for us? She can't let me go? She knows she still loves me? What do you mean? Just curious what your prospective is.

[reachingHigher]

Mtnman, I was always looking for that too. Some hope that my H could still have me tucked deep in his heart. Some sign he still loved me and wouldn't always be playing with my heart.

While I was over in Newcomers, I remember a post by someone D, I forget who, but he said that he really knew his W was "done" when she took no more interest in him. Treated him businesslike. That gave me a lot of hope, as I knew my H wasn't "done" yet.

I don't know you and your W, but she reminds me a lot like my H was. No visible A. Moved out of the house but still visiting and doing some family things together. Dressing up and going out drinking with friends. Seems lonely but doesn't wanna commit to come back. And seems lost after losing a close family member. These are all similarities in our sitches.

She also seems to maintain a connection with you personally. Wants to connect, do some amount of touching, interested in the boys in a distant kind of way. This is also similar.

I had some really low times last year and this one too, and I would never wish that on anyone. But it was part of the process.

After my H insisted on D, and I felt he was still playing with my heart, I did tell him the day after D I was never looking back again. I said that if he wanted to reconcile, now was the opportunity. I was planning a new life, not including him, nor ML with him after D. I think he knew I was serious.

This, somehow, was mixed with continuous connection with him. Lots of texting (got some flack from here about that) and sometimes flirting. I always tried to be "available" emotionally for him as he needed. I don't know how we got through. We talked often about the "why" we got to where we did. I felt like it was the two of us moving through a squeeze tube meant for one person.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think maybe with your W, try to look at where she missed something growing up. It seems to me she looks at you like a father-figure (accentuated by the fact you are a good father to your boys) mixed with a boy at school she wants to tease and is flattered by the fact you are devoted to her.

Somehow, with time, she will move past this. She is a grown woman and won't always be in this adolescent stage.

I think its important you don't appear like a father to her, just like I couldn't appear like a mother to my H.

I wish I could say more to help. I know after my H said he felt torn in so many ways. The life of ease -- spending a lot of $, dressing up and getting a lot of attention, no responsibility -- the call of that life is strong.

I mean, who wants to come home (like my H did last night) and work all evening on fixing a plumbing problem in the master bath, do dishes, drop off a car for repair, etc.? We balanced it with some fun times -- dirt bikes and a dip in the pool -- but how can that compare to an evening of drinking and friends with the opposite sex thinking you are clever and funny and you can just come home and crash? For a teenager the choice is obvious. For a grown adult, the family has value.

Your W just has to grow up and she doesn't want to do that right now. How was her R with her father? That may give you some clues to this mystery.

Was this any help? I don't seem to be able to help without always mentioning my own journey. Hope it's some help for you

You're on my mind now, and I want the best for you and your family. You all deserve it, all four of you!!!

[reachingHigher]

I do want to add, to avoid misunderstanding, that the constant reminders from people here not to txt too much or be too available to my H helped keep me in check or I would've gone overboard for sure! Many thanks to all who helped me through!