Don't understand, why now???? Plus what do I do??

[Dubious Hills]

She might also be trying to equalize your relationship somehow. After all, for years, she was the partner who had it together and took primary care of your kids while you were struggling with an addiction. It might be that she resents your recovery because it throws into sharp relief how much you weren't present for the vast majority of your marriage.

[ct man 1969]

Help!!! I saw progress when I first started the last resort, but now it seems stagnant. I have taken a few backward steps here and there as the book predicted. She was snooping around (trying to look thru my phone, and facebook account) and invited me out with her and our daughters a couple of times. But nothing in the last two weeks. Is this normal? My divorce date is quickly approaching and I just don't know what to think. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks in advance and God bless.

[ct man 1969]

Dubious,

We were married for 16 years and been together 23 of the past 26 years, all the while I was a drinker with a problem. I was a drinker when we first met. She came into the relationship not once, but twice knowing that. I'm not using this as an excuse, just giving some more background.

So, if she's trying to equalize somehow, that means that she'll go through with the divorce. Plus this means that she won't forgive me another 23 to 26 years from now. That's just heart-wrenching just thinking about it.

I don't know what's worse right now. Accepting the fact that she's going through with this divorce, or knowing that she utterly hates me. She can't stand being in the same room with me, or even talk civilly to me. When we do talk, she always has one word answers, and she'll never divulge information unless specifically asked.

I am truly in the most pain I've ever experienced. Sometimes I wish I'd never stopped drinking. What I thought was a blessing from God to finally beat the bondage of an addiction has only been a curse. My wife is leaving me and trying to take my children as well.

[DigDeeper]

Hi CT, have you read sandi 37 rules?
I feel your pain, but have you ever wondered your wife might be feeling the same as you now only she didn't show it to you.

You need to have patience, this is not a sprint but a marathon.

Your wife have given you the gift of time. Try to think of all the complains your wife have voiced over the years and start doing 180 on them.

[Lostinpain]

Hi ct man 1969.

Welcome to the forums. Regardless of my age, I had a drinking problem for many years and it's a difficult habit to kick. Kudos for you for doing so. You will so much healthier in the long run. I too kicked the habit after my H then bf complained about it over and over again. It interfered with my medications so in my case it was hurting me in more than one way.

Let me offer a wild suggestion, being that you and your wife have had this dynamic relationship for so long, she may have had a moment where she could sit down and build up regret. After all, she was probably continuously worried about your safety for years on end. When she had a moment when she no longer had to worry, she might have finally had time to think of all the hurt you brought into the marriage. This is probably a good eye opener.

Now, that's not to say you should go out and drink to win her back. Fact is, you probably have had a broken marriage for quite some time and now your eyes are no longer shut to that fact. But you should look at this as an opportunity to build up a healthy relationship with her if that is in the cards, and more importantly work on yourself. I know myself that drinking problems do not stop when you stop consuming alcohol. If you're not already in Individual counseling, I strongly suggest going. Many people drink for reasons other than a convenient addiction. Not to mention the difficulties of not drinking even after you quit. The temptation will follow you everywhere, and therapy usually helps with that.

Getting back to your relationship with your wife, it will be difficult. All of us here feel that pain. You are not alone, and it will take a lot of time and patience. Your wife has a lot of anger she needs to deal with herself, and right now you can only control yourself. Trying to think about her motives or moves will only put you in this endless cycle that can drive anyone crazy. Go out and find a new hobby to keep your mind on how you can improve your own life, and that of your daughters. I know it's difficult, but many people on this forum have great advice and are a good source of support. Keep venting on here if that helps. Sometimes it takes members a bit of time to respond so don't give up. Just keep your head up.

[BklynMom]

There is a program that both of you should check out - called Alanon. It works

[ct man 1969]

Bklymom,

I've tried to get her to go. She will put absolutely no effort into trying to fix this marriage. I even tried an end around and have her friend suggest al-anon, because she's a counselor there. That backfired. She went and told my wife that I spoke to her, which infuriated her. We went to marriage counseling for a few sessions, but when that counselor "urged" (she literally used the word urge) my wife to date other guys, that was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back for me. After that we went to a christian counselor, where I got my wife to admit that she was "talking" to another man. When the counselor told her she needed to break all communications with him to focus on fixing the marriage. She again got angry, said that she didn't want to fix it and that was the last session she went to. A couple of months later, I asked my wife if she ever went to counseling with the intention to fix the marriage she told me, not really. This truly is breaking my heart. I can't even speak to her without her rolling her eyes, huffing and puffing or just totally ignoring me. I've tried to pour my heart out to her, and she'd just rather not hear it. I don't even know who she is anymore. The most loving, giving, cheerful person I've ever known has turned her back on me and become this evil, vile, poison-spewing person. To tell you the truth, I don't even know how I still love her through all of this. I still cry pretty much every day, just now I try to do it privately. She's told me that I need to stop whining and grow a set of balls and that I'm a whiny little b*!ch. I'm just trying this last resort technique, because it literally is my last resort. Truthfully, I don't see her changing her mind, unless some sort of miracle happens.

[chl0901]

Hi ct man,

Several people on here have also mentioned that they cannot believe their spouse could "change" from a loving person to such a hateful one, and it makes them question on how they could continue to love someone who says/does such mean and hurtful things. These thoughts have also crossed my mind regarding my H, who has said some awful things to me. I have learned that WAS are also scared and confused in most cases, even if they don't show it. Keep on trying to follow Sandi's 37 rules and work on your 180s and GALs, so regardless of how your sitch goes, you will end up a happier and better person, for both yourself and your Ds. Best of luck!

[ct man 1969]

Thanks chl0901,

Much appreciated post. I know what you've said is true as well as the sandi's 37, It's just so hard to apply and live out those things. Then again, if it works, it's worth the difficulty. Thanks also for your well wishes.

[ct man 1969]

Using the last resort technique, has anyone noticed that their spouse seemed to start to act as the book predicted, and then all of a sudden just get mean? when I started, she would be nice one day, then kind of nasty the next. Now it's just nastiness. Any input would be appreciated. I'm running out of time here. Only 31 more days until they finalize the divorce.

Thanks again