Am I ready for this?

[reachingHigher]

Mtnman, I was always looking for that too. Some hope that my H could still have me tucked deep in his heart. Some sign he still loved me and wouldn't always be playing with my heart.

While I was over in Newcomers, I remember a post by someone D, I forget who, but he said that he really knew his W was "done" when she took no more interest in him. Treated him businesslike. That gave me a lot of hope, as I knew my H wasn't "done" yet.

I don't know you and your W, but she reminds me a lot like my H was. No visible A. Moved out of the house but still visiting and doing some family things together. Dressing up and going out drinking with friends. Seems lonely but doesn't wanna commit to come back. And seems lost after losing a close family member. These are all similarities in our sitches.

She also seems to maintain a connection with you personally. Wants to connect, do some amount of touching, interested in the boys in a distant kind of way. This is also similar.

I had some really low times last year and this one too, and I would never wish that on anyone. But it was part of the process.

After my H insisted on D, and I felt he was still playing with my heart, I did tell him the day after D I was never looking back again. I said that if he wanted to reconcile, now was the opportunity. I was planning a new life, not including him, nor ML with him after D. I think he knew I was serious.

This, somehow, was mixed with continuous connection with him. Lots of texting (got some flack from here about that) and sometimes flirting. I always tried to be "available" emotionally for him as he needed. I don't know how we got through. We talked often about the "why" we got to where we did. I felt like it was the two of us moving through a squeeze tube meant for one person.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think maybe with your W, try to look at where she missed something growing up. It seems to me she looks at you like a father-figure (accentuated by the fact you are a good father to your boys) mixed with a boy at school she wants to tease and is flattered by the fact you are devoted to her.

Somehow, with time, she will move past this. She is a grown woman and won't always be in this adolescent stage.

I think its important you don't appear like a father to her, just like I couldn't appear like a mother to my H.

I wish I could say more to help. I know after my H said he felt torn in so many ways. The life of ease -- spending a lot of $, dressing up and getting a lot of attention, no responsibility -- the call of that life is strong.

I mean, who wants to come home (like my H did last night) and work all evening on fixing a plumbing problem in the master bath, do dishes, drop off a car for repair, etc.? We balanced it with some fun times -- dirt bikes and a dip in the pool -- but how can that compare to an evening of drinking and friends with the opposite sex thinking you are clever and funny and you can just come home and crash? For a teenager the choice is obvious. For a grown adult, the family has value.

Your W just has to grow up and she doesn't want to do that right now. How was her R with her father? That may give you some clues to this mystery.

Was this any help? I don't seem to be able to help without always mentioning my own journey. Hope it's some help for you

You're on my mind now, and I want the best for you and your family. You all deserve it, all four of you!!!